2009

Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action.

Genre: Action Thriller

Directed By: Renny Harlin

Running Time: 1:48

Review by: Chad Jarrah

Review Date: 9/28/09

Traveling overseas tends to send that irrational, worry-filled portion of my brain in to overdrive.  I was recently on a trip to the Mid-East and got a chance to re-experience this lovely personal trait of mine. At times, my thoughts became frantic at the prospect of a possible dilemma I might encounter: Will I require the assistance of Wesley Snipes should a band of ill-tempered Europeans hijack my plane? Will my bags get lost, forcing me to wear the same sweaty t-shirt for the duration of my stay? What do I do if I am bitten by an Outbreak monkey during my travels? Fortunately for me my trip was a success as I avoided monkeys and Europeans over the course of my three week trip. I had a great time and boarded the flight home with only a fraction of the crazy thoughts I had entertained on the way over.

The hours on the flight passed slowly but just as I had begun to feel more relaxed, the in-flight movie began. I smiled as I plugged in my headphones, marveling at how great my trip had been. It was fun. I had no problems…things just seemed to be going my way. Even the movie started when I needed it most. The opening credits began rolling and just as I thought my luck was at its peak, it all came tumbling down with one phrase that flashed across the screen; the last thing I would ever want to see at the opening of any movie: WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Films. My stomach turned at what I knew 12 Rounds would give me for the next two hours. Hijackings and monkey viruses had nothing on this. There was no greater fear than being stuck in a metal object 30,000 feet above ground with no way out, knowing you are about to watch a movie produced by the people who brought you the likes of ’Doink’ the clown and (ohhhh yeahhhh!) ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage.

12 Rounds follows the rise to Detective and unfortunate circumstances of Danny Fisher (Cena.) Fisher becomes Detective after chasing down the notorious Miles Jackson (Aiden Gillan) on foot despite the fact that Miles is driving. Miles’ girlfriend is accidentally killed during the chase and her boyfriend swears vengeance on Fisher before he is put away for a supposed life sentence in prison. Yawn. This film is filled with action movie clichés starting with the old ‘I’ll get you for this!’ villain promise. As is expected, Miles breaks out of jail after only a year and begins tormenting Fisher with a series of tests, or rounds. WWE delivers with the bad acting from start to finish. There are no characters that I even remotely felt empathy for and the villain, Miles Jackson, was the most un-intriguing villain I have ever come across in an action movie. Described by an FBI agent early in the film as having, ‘the face of the devil himself,’ Jackson barely passes for a Geek Squad employee let alone a devil. His character wasn’t scary or fascinating. He was just a guy who was mad at a cop.

Cena was equally as bland. He focused on the role of nice guy cop too much and forgot that his audience wanted to see a bad ass cop. He helped people too much and never really seemed to get angry even when everything kept going wrong for him. He just kept playing Jackson’s ‘game’ and threw a couple of bad comebacks to his antagonist after each round. The film was filled with bad dialogue as well from all the characters. Here’s a sample of some give and take between an FBI agent and Detective Fisher:

FBI Agent: “Are you out of your damn mind!”
Det. Fisher: “Maybe.”
(Later)
FBI Agent: “You are out of your damn mind.”

I am no expert on the intricacies of screenwriting, but could action dialogue get any more lifeless than that? This went on throughout the movie and it was a pain to watch.

So WWE delivered on the bad acting…how about the violence? Everyone likes violence, right? Maybe that could save it? That was my hope, but I was let down. The ‘twelve rounds’ of testing where Miles is trying to get back at Det. Fisher are so played out that none of them are fun. At times it was difficult even trying to keep track of what exactly the task in each round was:

Round 1 – Miles blows up Fisher’s house with a hard working plumber still inside. Probably the meanest thing Miles does.

Round 2 – Miles takes Fisher’s girlfriend, Molly. She’s hot but really annoying.

Round 3 – Fisher has to answer a cell phone somewhere or something blows up. Snooze.

Round 4 – Something about safety deposit boxes and something else blowing up. Double snooze.

Round 5 – I honestly don’t even know.

Round 6 – Fisher has to pull a fat guy out of an elevator shaft before it falls. The fat guy says he has a wife and kids and I don’t even care when he dies. I’m not sure whether this has to do with my low level of compassion or the supremely high level of crappiness of this movie.

Round 7 – Stop a bus from being blown up. Speed called they want their plot twist back.

Round 8 – Again…no idea.

Round 9 – Disarm brakes on a street train. Spiderman 2 is on hold.

Round 10 and 11 – These two rounds seemed to be clumped together. I think Fisher’s best friend was supposed to kill someone and Miles was going to kill the best friend. Very muddled but, in the end, two more people were killed.

Round 12 – Yes! Finally done. This should be the most clear and concise round. This is the climax of the movie, right? Wrong. Not clear, not concise. I gathered that Round 12 was Miles getting away, but it was never stated or made clear to the audience. In any case, Fisher screams out to his antagonizer: “Miles, you don’t have to do this!” and surprisingly enough, this doesn’t work. Fisher then decides upon Option B and blows up a helicopter with Miles in it, finally saving his girlfriend and ending this un-epic battle.