There are a few things you can count on with a low-budget horror feature. Typically, when our old friend “nudity in the opening credits” turns up, you can usually count on the movie being a total piece of crap, but in the case of a Hack Movies feature, this is just a harbinger of the fun things to come. I for one appreciated that the film opened with a nice pair of tits (and an unwitting prostitute informing our main characters that if they were going to shove a baseball bat up her ass, it would cost them at least $25 extra). There's a gauge that tells you whether you're going to enjoy the flicks Hack Movies produces. If the scene I described above makes you recoil in horror, you're probably not going to enjoy the rest of the movie and you should trot along and do something else, like clean the lint trap of your dryer or something, because if this is how the movie OPENS, it's only going to get worse from there. If, however, you made it through my description and still want to know more, then perhaps this movie is for you.

I've had more than one friend stomp out of my apartment angrily because I've tried to show them a Hack Movie (pussies) and I had to turn the sound down during Cockhammer in order to keep my neighbors from calling the cops (as it was, the delivery man who came to my door while I was trying to watch the movie gave me a weird enough look) so I know firsthand how offensive these movies can be.

It occurs to me that this review is about half over and I haven't even told you what the movie is about yet. Whoops. So here's the lowdown. The hooker in the beginning of the movie was killed in a sacrificial ritual by the evil Cockhammer, a sorcerer who needs to sacrifice women in order to unlock the secrets of the Black Mage diary (an evil book that looks kind of like that cool ass Evil Dead DVD cover with the dripping skin and sunken eyes). Speaking of eyes, the special effects in the Hack Movies keep getting better and better, and this movie is no exception. The hooker in the beginning who gets her face beaten in with a baseball bat is unfortunate enough to have one of her eyes pop out, and the effect looks as good as you'd see in any bigger budget movie (as far as I'm concerned, it's better than the eyeball popping scene in Hostel...and yes, it occurs to me how fucked up it is that I've developed an opinion on the efficacy of eyeball popping scenes in movies). Anyway, eventually, Cockhammer kidnaps the girlfriends of two of our main characters, and their boyfriends have to save them, and fun times are had by all.

Maybe it's because I have more issues than Rolling Stone, but I found myself enjoying this movie. It manages to adhere pretty well to its plot (threadbare as it might be). Although the Hack Movies press releases constantly brag about their lack of talent, the crew isn't as bad as they lead you to believe (shhh, don't tell anyone). Aside from the aforementioned decent gore effects, there's some decent acting to be found here as well. Once the girlfriends get kidnapped, they actually have some pretty good dialogue about their predicament and how they're going to get out of it. I also enjoy seeing characters from previous Hack Movies and how they play into the plot of this movie (don't scoff, movie snobs, Kevin Smith does this shit all the time). Look, I'm not saying that the Hack Movies crew are going soft (heavens no) and it's not like there's anything Oscar Worthy here (thank God) but honestly, the movie's really not half bad. If you enjoy loads of depraved sexual content, hilarious costumes and bad makeup, halfway decent gore, and sickeningly immature jokes, then you might love this movie as much as I did.

Keep 'em coming, Hack Movies. Your flicks just keep getting better and better.