Cinemusings

Back when we weren’t writing about movies, we somehow had much more time to watch them. Oh yeah, we didn’t have a child then, either. In those days we’d just rent up a passel of movies (often ones the wife wanted to watch) crack open a few cold ones and let ‘er rip! Soon enough, and totally at random, we’d be watching a movie like Ulee’s Gold, starring Peter Fonda. Then the wife would go to bed and we’d watch a horrible ‘80s horror movie like Spasms and wouldn’t you know it? There’s Peter Fonda again! What a great, but totally unintentional Double Bill. That’s what synchronicity or coincidence or whatever will get you. You see, there’s so much stuff going on all the time that if you look hard enough, you’ll find some type of connection between almost any two things – and what a great way to come up with your own fun double feature.

Fast forward ten years and we got the silly idea to make a column out of the Double Bill concept, conveniently forgetting that these coincidental Double Bills were always cooked up AFTER THE FACT. Way to go, Kurt! So now we’re lookin’, sweatin’ trying to figure out how to keep you entertained with oddball Double Bills that seem effortless, but we gotta tell you, it ain’t easy! (Nor is grammar, film criticism, or typing for that matter, never mind the fact that in my almost ten years of online film criticism I’ve made a grand total of 42 dollars, and that money came in one lump sum after the first few months, with cash nevermore crossing our threshold.) Yes, this kind of work can be devilishly hard. Devilish, I tells ya! Like this month’s Double Bill featuring two demonically bad boys, the Turkish terror know as The Deathless Devil, and the movie that tapped that nail further into Linda Blair’s cinematic coffin, Exorcist II: The Heretic.

To its credit, The Deathless Devil was never meant to be more than goofy cinematic pulp, an ultra swift cash-in on all things connected (in particular) to American Movie Culture. But oh how bad it is. Bad enough to be impossible to review in standard terms; this is the type of movie for which the term psychotronic was coined. Filmed in Turkish and subtitled in English, this movie moves so fast and senselessly I have almost no idea what it’s about. A scientist has developed something powerful. Someone is killed. Another young man, Tekin, learns he’s the son of a slain superhero. Tekin instantly adopts the guise, style and numerous fighting skills of his heretofore-unknown dad, The Copperhead, in order to do battle with supremo-mustachioed baddie Doctor Satan, a guy with a really crappy robot and designs on stealing that awesome invention. Tekin has a goofy friend, Bitik, who provides all the comic relief, and can balance on his head – while on top of someone else’s head.

The Deathless Devil keeps up a breathless pace, with so much action in every ten minutes as to defy description. The plot, awful dubbing, horrible subtitles, low-rent sets and fast-motion fight scenes (one about every three minutes) also defy description. The robot appears to be made of cardboard and you can see the actor’s arms showing through in the final fight scene – but there’s lots of weird nods to America, including musical versions of the Pink Panther theme song, Wichita Lineman and the early synth hit Popcorn by Hot Butter during the ludicrous coda to keep you slapping your forehead as tears and sweat spring from your dome. Check it out on its own double bill DVD from Mondo Macabro, with another Turkish delight, Tarkan and the Vikings.

But let’s continue to pledge allegiance to Satan, The Devil, or Pazuzu in this case, with a movie just as ridiculous as The Deathless Devil, but far more pedigreed. John Boorman’s film of Exorcist II: The Heretic, as it’s billed, is the much anticipated 1977 sequel to the original classic, The Exorcist. Where the first combined monolithic fear with abject despair, feelings assayed by delicate manipulation of pressure points – and despite the employment of punter-pleasing shock effects – Heretic trots out pseudo-psychiatric claptrap, Catholic Ethiopian juju, and absolutely nothing frightening whatsoever in an effort to destroy the careers of anyone connected with it.

Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair auditioning for a picture in Webster’s next to the word Nubile) has been remanded to the care of quack Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher). Tuskin (Tuskin, Tekin – there’s your post-facto Double Bill connection!) works in an ultra-cool ‘70s psychotherapy setup, a place that looks like an oak and glass beehive – it’s really cool. The pathetically senile nursing home patients in The Exorcist (subtly terrifying) have been replaced by cute deaf and autistic kids doomed to roll huge padded nuts and bolts around the beehive while Tuskin attempts to hypnotize them with a ‘synchronizer.’ The synchronizer is a pair of bright flashing lights and a tone generator. Tuskin has such faith in her technique she swears by it, until she disavows it moments later saying it has no proven value.

But Regan really has no hope, as her other savior is another Catholic Priest (Father Lamont, played with stupid-lethargic frenzy by Richard Burton) who tries to beat a blazing fire to submission with a wooden crutch while screeching ‘the flames! The flames!’ Can Lamont save Regan – a gal who seems to be doing perfectly fine without all the hypnotic meddling, by the way – with the help of James Earl Jones, a bunch of locusts, and some of the stupidest double-exposure effects in history? (Effects meant to be scary, but only reinforcing the fact that Heretic is two-hours of utterly misguided hilarity.) We really don’t care, because we get Blair’s cherubic face, deliciously bouncy boobs and buns, and a show-stopping sequence intercutting between MacNeil tap-dancing and Lamont getting stoned by angry Catholic Ethiopians. It doesn’t get any worse – and better – than this!

Whatever bedevils you, it will all be better if you sit down with your favorite snack or beverage, and this Double Bill featuring the least scary Exorcist movie ever, and a certified grade-F hunk of Turkish action lunacy. The Deathless Devil and Exorcist II: The Heretic – heaven help you!

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