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“Employee of the Month gonna fuck you up!”
Leighton Meester, my god woman. How do you
go through this entire film and still manage to come out roses? You hot.
And yes, that far from anything that resembles subtlety or grace, but
damn, woman, you’re truly a vision. I’ve been enraptured with you since
“Surface,” and I’m still rather smitten with your unusual beauty and
ability to make this piece of garbage worth sitting through? It’s
simple. The “directors” go through great pains to display Meester in
every compromising position in all sorts of skimpy outfits through every
excruciating minute, and they almost get away with it. Almost.
Originally titled “Hellaburger,” the DTV
horror slasher named “Drive-Thru” provides a unique concept for a
slasher flick, and somehow fucks it all up in every corner. Hell, the
movie begins on a high note: A demonic clown killing two obnoxious
wiggers? That’s beautiful. And featuring Morgan Spurlock? It’s another
obvious but utterly great high note, so how does the team behind this
mess everything up from minute one? I just can’t understand it. Horrible
dialogue, worse acting, and characters set up to die that are more one
dimensional than the pages of the script for this. Where the hell do I
begin? How about the story that seems to just make shit up as it goes
along, without ever considering logic, or consistency?
Does the killer Clown kill only at the
drive-thru or not? Is he an actual employee of the Drive-thru? How did
he get into the fast food joint without anyone else noticing? Why does
our lead suddenly have the ability to foresee the killer’s next move
through a Ouija board? Why is this device never touched on or mentioned
again? Can the killer actually contact MacKenzie telepathically?
Seriously, the clown only wants MacKenzie so he can have sex with her?
My god, Cowles, and Kuhn seem just be unable to create a story that
follows cogent continuity, instead they just pull plot devices out of
thin air, characters are introduced then offed, and for no reason people
develop abilities to stop the killer that are never explained. It’s
embarrassing. They should be embarrassed at this hack job. The script
reads almost like two high schoolers got together to make a slasher they
felt would be “totally awesome” and just got an F in creative writing
class. There are nuggets like “This party is as dead as Nixon,” and “You
try to relax with Ronald McStalker on your ass” peppered that I was
never sure were meant to be funny or taken seriously.
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The film is really just making it all up as
it goes along, and you’ll find yourself often confused,
asking numerous questions, and eventually you’ll just let it
lead you where it wants. There’s really just no use fighting
it after the first thirty minutes, folks. It’s almost as if
the script was too short, so the writers were asked to pad
it, and they’re idea of the padding was adding plot devices
out of nowhere.
The “writing” duo also
shamelessly borrow from the likes of “The Omen,” and “Final
Destination” where we’re led into pictures that tell a story
and lead our heroine to clues of demises, and did I even
mention the direction? |
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You can tell Meester is struggling to muster
up some hint of horror, but she’s obviously as bored as we are. Her
character is dull as day old bread, regardless of how much the “writers”
try to give her an edge. She fronts a crappy rock band, she has Blink
182 posters on her wall, she’s so punk rock! She’ll give that clown a
run for his money! But honestly folks, you’d do much better to check out
something of a better quality, than this piece of utter garbage. It’s
worse than anything out there today, and that’s saying something with
the volume of sheer junk littering video store shelves. I love slasher
flicks, guys, but this movie asked too much of me. Some movies just ask
you to put your brain on auto-pilot, but “Drive-Thru” asked you put your
brain, common sense, logic, plausibility, suspension of disbelief, and
bowels on hold from minute one.
I don’t know which movie was worse or more
ridiculous, “Black Xmas,” or this. Either way, if you’re looking for a
reason to commit suicide, watch these pieces of pure garbage one after
the other, and drive the knife into your gut. It’ll be a worthy exit
from a society that allows these movies on the shelf. I’m still gasping
in horror hours after watching this.
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