These guys are so tough and manly, their clubhouse is a dimly lit motorcycle shop which is also a tattoo parlor with no seats; you just sit on the motorcycles when you get inked. These guys are so manly and tough that the two women in the movie are afterthoughts and cheap plot motivators. They only exist to get beaten and tortured so that they can be rescued by men. Tellingly, in the end credits, they each only have one name, while all the men have at least two. Stallone, Lundgren, Lee, and Schwarzenegger are all looking their age; they all look leathery and beat up.

However, we get to see who would win in a fight: Stallone vs. Steve Austin, Jason Statham vs. a basketball team, Jet Li vs. Dolph Lundgren, a knife vs. a basketball, Charisma Carpenter vs. an abusive boyfriend, Mickey Rourke vs. his sad memories, Coture vs. Austin, Cargo Plane vs. Pier, automatic shotgun vs. watchtower, Lundgren vs. a drug addiction, The Expendables vs. Pirates, honor vs. greed, a small army vs. a really small army and The Expendables vs. common sense. Spoiler Warning: The winners are Austin, Statham, Lundgren, knife, abusive boyfriend, sad memories, Coture, cargo plane, shotgun, Lundgren, The Expendables, a tie between honor and greed (I mean, they take the job they said was too risky for the right reasons, but they still get paid in the end, right?), a small army and The Expendables. End Spoiler Warning!

The action scenes more than balanced out all of the oddness and boring parts. All credit to Stallone who didn’t push himself to the forefront in all things and gave almost everybody a chance to shine in a fight or two (except for the women, of course).