In my life, I've
viewed hundreds of horror movies. Some were
good, some were bad and some simply toed the
line between the two. Sadly, where most things
improve over time, the horror film has not. At
most we get a handful of truly good ones dropped
to us while the rest are mediocre wastes of time
and effort. Or, as my friend Gabriel has labeled
them, "SciFi Channel movies". It's what I use to
refer as bad movies too, now, because it's
gotten that bad. The past is full of excellent
low budget films in this genre, many of which I
haven't even seen. So, I must ask, why so many
large budget horror films blow so badly?
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The
answer lies with film makers, guys
like Eli Roth or The Asylum. All
hype, no payoff. Not just that
though, they're also killing horror.
Think I'm being too harsh? Hardly.
Eli Roth makes bad movies about
torture. The gore is the only
selling point, and I've seen some
better scenes of gore in various
older b-movies. In the entire time
Roth has been around this industry,
the only thing he did that I enjoyed
was his Grindhouse trailer
"Thanksgiving". And The Asylum?
Bloody hell, don't get me started.
With titles like "Pirates of
Treasure Island" and "Snakes on a
Train", you just know they're
putting out quality material. The
problem is that it's not a good
quality but the low grade kind you
find in flea market booths full of
bootleg Korean goods. The one good
thing they have going for them are
their DVD covers which, as editor
Felix has pointed out, are amazing. |
Halloween is
coming up, horror is heavily on my mind and I
know it's on the minds of many others. Some of
you may want to go watch the new Halloween film,
but I tell you to stop right there. Stop and
think, ask yourself why you should go watch it.
Go watch the original, go watch some of the
better sequels, but please don't go buy a ticket
to see the re-make. I'm so tired of this tired
formula. "Hey, I'm an edgy director! I'll go
re-make a classic horror film that doesn't need
it and change it almost completely!". For fuck's
sake, people, don't support this tripe! Sean
Bean is an excellent actor, but does that mean
"The Hitcher" re-make is good? No, it does not.
I love him, but he's not Rutger Hauer. The sense
of apprehension was not there at all, the main
characters looked like models and I didn't care
if they died at all. Halloween is the same,
Malcolm McDowell is not Dr. Loomis. Only one man
was ever able to pull of the character, and
that's Donald Pleasance. Michael Myers did not
need more back-story nor did it add anything to
his character. He was not tortured, he's not
emotionally disturbed, he's not misunderstood.
He's evil, that's it. Anything else is just
bullshit time filler. Myers is interesting
because he's pure evil, that's why we watch the
movies. There doesn't need to be motivation
beyond that.
I do not go to see horror movies so that I can
sit through psychobabble about why the killers
do what they do. Killers kill because they want
to kill. I watch movies because I want to, not
because of some deep rooted need buried in my
tortured subconscious. I draw because I enjoy
drawing, just as I write. We define our actions.
It's called free will. So, everyone needs to
just shut up and sit down before go Myers on
you.
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Moving
on, I must also speak to you all
about something else that's been
bothering me. Ghosts. No, I'm not
being haunted. I mean ghost movies.
The Ring was good, The Grudge was
bordering on bad, the sequel crossed
into bad. But were these three
movies the entire scope, I'd be ok.
No, they pump out so many of these
things a year that I feel like
killing myself so that I can haunt
the people who make them. Hollywood
took a Japanese class of horror
movie and have raped it to death.
Seriously, if I see one more ghost
movie hit theaters I may lose what
sanity I hold within my tenuous
grasp. Even more annoying than the
sheer amount of them though are the
people within them. |
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They don't try
fighting back, they just freak out and end
hurting themselves or killing themselves trying
to escape the damned ghost. Here's a clue
people: If a ghostly girl is heading towards
crawling out of your television, break the
bloody screen. If a woman is grabbing you while
making a weird gasping noise, punch her in the
face. Seriously, even the kids in the Elm Street
films put up a fight. A few of them kicked
Freddy's ass, so what has happened? Does
everyone in these movies now have to be complete
fuck-ups? I don't want to watch idiots running
from ghosts, I want to see some survival
instinct.
In closing, I will be watching horror this
month. It will not be the horror that many of my
generation will likely be watching, but sweet
suffering' fuck will it be much better. Happy
Halloween.
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