5. Have you
ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your
shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the
whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that
shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an
American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can
goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first
major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s
important to remember that apparently, by
elimination, dishonesty is the second-best
policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in
the universe, then I’d have to say that the
universe aimed rather low and settled for very
little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does
it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English
language, and there are seven you can’t say on
television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7.
They must really be baaaad. They must be
OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that
large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad
words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You
know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on
TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,
motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves
that sometime, somewhere, someone said to
themselves, “You know, I want to set those
people over there on fire, but I’m just not
close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m
the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life,
they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s
an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches
everything you do every minute of every day. And
the invisible man has a list of ten specific
things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do
any of these things, he will send you to a
special place, of burning and fire and smoke and
torture and anguish for you to live forever, and
suffer and burn and scream until the end of
time. But he loves you. He loves you and he
needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark.
Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered
light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless
endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later
everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those
executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t
music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade
teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a
tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker
from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an
unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic
comedy, you can usually find me next door
playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the
average American recently passed each other in
opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition
is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing
changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a
happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs,
you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t
finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for
concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going
slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that
doctors call what they do
“practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as
rules you have to follow, but more
as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the
comedian to find out where the line
is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a
ticket to the freak show. When
you’re born in America, you get a
front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the
main purpose of buying cocaine is to
run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one
night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I
don’t trust any organization that
has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a
member of a group whose symbol was a
man nailed to two pieces of wood. |
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41. Have you
noticed that most of the women who are against
abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in
the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my
motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go
along with that, take him outside and shoot the
motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s
always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the
age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We
are the proud parents of a child who’s
self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need
us promoting his minor scholastic achievements
on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet
them; I loathe and despise the groups they
identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought
he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster
than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make
life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle
of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social
obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would
you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was
the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are
so interested in encouraging people to volunteer
in their communities? It’s because volunteers
work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to
get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president.
That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t
care about you until you reach military age.
Then you’re just what they’re looking for.
Conservatives want live babies so they can raise
them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always.
Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask
an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them
has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything.
When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s
edge: You only have assholes on three sides of
you, and if they come this way you can hear them
splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post
“Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit
adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a
building full of lawyers, judges, and
politicians. It creates a hostile work
environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of
hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of
religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in
a Christian manner. I will not, however, be
responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to
rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This
title offends all three major religions, and
even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here
is a message from the National Institute of
Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was
probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud
eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has
a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always
smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is
delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening
to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some
guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream
is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed
on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day
weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned
it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get
fired and get paid just enough money not to
quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably
selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably
it’s because at the moment they’re not actually
dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to
drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be
told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit
order makes a lot of sense. In this country
there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long
bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to
commit suicide but want to get in a little
practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It
attempts to work things out so that everyone
gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting
violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do,
however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on
the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I
just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the
work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
By beholding to my
Gonzo lifestyle, the counter-culture had a few
heroes, all of which seem to be petering out in
recent years.
We lost Hunter to a
gun, the only way he’d ever want to go anyways.
Bill Hicks was lost
years back to pancreatic cancer.
Rodney Dangerfield
and all the comedians who gave comedy something
that will never be lost, something that comics
from now until the end of time will be aping,
are lost.
And the counter
culture is missing yet another hero.
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George
Carlin was a hysterical presence to
be around. Just being in the same
auditorium with him in Lawrence back
in 2004 caused a stir. The followers
of Fred Phelps boycotted the event
of course, and the inside was like
the exact opposite of the Fred
Phelps camp.
People
from all walks of life: hippies,
conservatives, liberals, students,
moms and dads, parents,
grandparents, you name it, they were
there at the Lied Center, and they
were all hysterical having to wait.
The electricity of the room, the
emotion, it was all palpable. Like
you could cut it with a chainsaw and
you’d still be missing chunks of
what was seeping around that room.
Then he
came out on stage. An old, angry
man, and he was still a presence to
behold. He was much larger than he
let on. |
He looked so much
smaller than the titan you remember, the loud
booming angry man heard on your dad’s records
when he wasn’t home from work yet or his old HBO
tapes or cassette tapes or what have you.
Reading the books in secret. Listening to the
tapes down low. And then getting to discuss them
with my dad while I was still less than 10 years
old is still a memory I hold tight when talking
about the 7 dirty words and what they all really
meant.
My dad was a big
proponent for my gonzo lifestyle as it is today.
He’s the reason I’ve fashioned my life after
these freaks and weirdos. And he embraced it,
just as I did.
Anyways…
Carlin came on stage
and the room just exploded. It was perfection.
It was amazing. It was downright one of the
funniest live performances I’ve ever been in the
presence of (followed the same year by Lewis
Black’s wonderful performance in KC as well).
And he left the
stage, seemingly mid-joke, to leave us wanting
more.
And he has left the
physical plane at 71 years old, to leave us
wanting more.
One of my friends
said it best: he’s up there, making Jesus laugh.
Now I may not
believe in the same crazy religious things as
some of you, and in fact, would go so far as to
think some of my atheism is due to George.
But I do think this:
regardless of what you believe in, he’s
somewhere else just completely railing on about
something that’s pissing him off. He’s out in
our collective ethos telling us to remember him
or don’t, it’s all good.
I do know that I
will watch Car Wash tonight. Youtube some
Shining Time Station. Pop in Jersey Girl, Dogma,
or Jay and Silent Bob. I even used to watch his
TV show where he played a cabbie.
He was my hero. I
truthfully don’t know if any of my heroes are
still gonna be alive after this (one left I
think).
He just wants us to
laugh. And to expect more from people in power.
And to make our own choices.
That is why I will
always hold George Carlin in my heart. And
someday, we will meet and share pork chops.
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