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Acrophobia, Nictophobia, Mysophobia, and Kinemortophobia.
These are my primary phobias that plague me day in and
day out. But... mainly that last one has been a nagging
more insane but very troublesome phobia that has grabbed
on to me since I was old enough to walk and hasn't let
go. Kinemortophobia (or
Ambulothanatophobia)
can be described as fear of the undead, or more
importantly fear of the walking dead. Sure to some of
you, it may sound idiotic and something to laugh at, but
when you're a little kid trying to sleep unable to go
five minutes without looking behind you or sleeping near
the edge of your bed, it's not funny. And it's quite
traumatic. No, this is not meant to be a satirical
article, this is quite real to me. I simply can not
explain it. I've tried to figure out why since I was a
child, but I simply can not explain it. I have a fear of
zombies. Not vampires, or mummies, or anything else
undead, but specifically zombies. The walking dead, the
brain munching, gut gnawing, glazed over, staggering,
shambling, moaning, groaning, mobile, green skinned,
mouths agape, oozing, bleeding, rotting monsters that
have become so absolutely prevalent in modern death
obsessed pop culture.
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They
frighten me to the point where I'll be
reduced to tears if exposed to a certain
image of a zombie that just hits me where it
hurts. There's one zombie in particular that
I just can not look at. No matter how much I
tell myself "It's just make-up, that's just
acting, it's only a movie," my heart jumps
from my chest every time. In one word:
Flyboy. Ever since I was a kid this is a
zombie who plagued my nightmares every
single god forsaken night and even as a
grown man who has confronted heart disease,
fires, muggings, and near heart attacks,
Flyboy is that sole image in horror films
that has left me on the verge of panic
attacks and incapable of staring at him for
long periods of time. I love "Dawn of the
Dead," don't get me wrong. But I've only
seen it twice. I could only sit through it
twice. I'll sit through "Day of the Dead" as
many times as possible, I'll watch "Night of
the Living Dead" a dozen times, I'll see the
remake as much as possible, but... "Dawn of
the Dead" I've only seen twice. I have the
Ultimate Edition DVD set on my shelf and
I've never cracked it open. |
Seriously. The first time I ever saw "Dawn of the Dead"
was in 2004 before going to see the remake in theaters,
and I couldn't sleep for two days, spent a better
portion of the movie with my eyes covered, and came
close three times to stopping mid-way. The second time I
saw it alone in my room. The Independent Film Channel in
America celebrated the release of George Romero's "Land
of the Dead" by playing "Dawn of the Dead" one night.
So, I took my bat and set it down beside me, locked my
door, turned the lights on, made sure to distract myself
as much as humanly possible all the while watching "Dawn
of the Dead" for the second time. And it was just as
horrifying to sit through the second time. I guess my
best approximation of my Kinemortophobia and when it
started could be when I was a mere toddler. My primary
image that is eternally burned in to my subconscious and
continued to linger in my dreams is the image of the
climax in "Day of the Dead" where the zombies are
lowered down along the platform in to the military
bunker preparing to feast on the soldiers residing in
the underground base they've reached for all those years
after the apocalypse.
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horrifying yet mesmerizing image thanks to
old daddy Romero, and one that I continue to
have nightmares about in spite of adoring
"Day of the Dead." But really, I think I
have my dad to thank for this paralyzing
fear of the undead. My dad of course is not
a horror fan in spite of the fact that I
grew up around horror geeks all of my life.
My mom, my uncles, my cousins, they're all
horror geeks and I became one as well, but
my dad has an aversion to horror films. Most
specifically: Zombie films. My uncle
constantly recalls a time where he begged my
dad to go with him to see "Night of the
Living Dead," to where my dad refused
insisting it looked stupid and corny.
Finally managing to persuade him in to
seeing it, he watched in surprise as my dad
nearly jumped out of his seat in a crowded
theater during a crucial moment in Romero's
film. That's when he discovered my dad had a
fear of zombies, and surely enough my dad
passed it on to me. Speaking with a
psychology student, I was able to learn that
my fear of zombies can stem from certain
aspects of my life, particularly the fear of
death. |
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Zombies
are walking death, the signifiers of mortality and
endless mobile death, and that may possibly touch
something in me that has struck a nerve. Mostly though
zombies are a symbol of loss of identity and loss of
control, not to mention the fear of being eaten alive.
Or as I was told could be a symptom of fear of the
Wendigo psychosis which is the intense craving for human
flesh. As with most phobias, the primary one always
stems from one or two insignificant or sub-conscious
ones we've never quite confronted until faced with this
primary emotion. The fear of death is a likely strong
element in my fear of zombies, one that reaches in to a
core phobia of dying or most importantly dying suddenly,
which is a common occurrence with folks constantly faced
with health problems.
My
uncle explains that zombies don't scare him because
there are much worse things to be afraid of out there,
but that's the thing about phobias. They don't make
sense. They're irrational, and inexplicable, and
illogical and just plain idiotic at times, but to the
person bearing said phobia, it's not at all beyond the
realm of understanding. Zombies have been with me most
of my life. They're in my nightmares, in my fantasies,
and in my older age nearing my thirties, I've made
efforts to embrace this fear and use it to my advantage
both creatively and psychologically. I've broken down
this fear and in many respects used it as a tool to
empower me and use it as fodder for my writing. Many of
my nightmares inspired me to venture in to zombie
fiction and I've written a series of "Dawn of the Dead"
fan fiction that has been published by me on
Fanfiction.net that has garnered much acclaim from
readers. Why?
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Because
these images you read on my fan fiction are
images that have come directly from my
nightmares. To this day I still have epic
zombie nightmares that have such a vivid
realm and dimensions with settings, and
tones, and characters, and situations, and
climaxes that I can feel the environment
around me. I can smell the rotting flesh,
see the glimmer of blood and guts, feel the
darkness engulf me when I turn corners, and
in one dream where I picked up a corpse, I
could feel the back of the corpses head and
neck joints pressing against my palms. I
don't exaggerate, this has actually touched
my mind and stuck with me throughout my
life. Back in 1994, I sat down to watch
"Return of the Living Dead" with my brother
and after about twenty minutes when the
zombies began rising from their graves,
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I shut
off the VHS and never looked back. I was able to see the
film in its entirety without flinching many many years
later. 2008, to be exact! For years I was that horror
geek who never saw "Return of the Living Dead" in spite
of its rabid following in the horror community and I was
often mocked by my fellow fan boys for never having seen
it. And yes, to answer your question I think "Return of
the Living Dead" is quite great, and worth every bit of
hype it receives. I had a blast watching it without
pissing my pants. But my theory was that it was better
to be mocked by my consortium of horror geeks than to
spend two nights unable to close my eyes for fear of
having my brain munched by one of those fucking ghouls.
Ridiculous, melodramatic much? Yes, but that's what a
phobia is. It's ridiculous and melodramatic. I've met
people who have nervous breakdowns at the sight of small
roaches, my sister can not listen to anyone vomit and
has an instant impulse to cry and run as far as away as
possible. That's what a phobia is. It makes no sense in
spite of being able to be traced back to a point of
origin most times. It's a psychological tick, and as
such my kinemortophobias has been a major influence on
my life both in the negative and positive aspect. It's
kept me from fully embracing the horror genre due to my
fear of the walking dead, but it has also allowed me to
take a more thorough look at my mental prowess and my
willingness to overcome most obstacles in my life. I
wish I could grasp and embrace all of my irrationalities
to my benefit, but I can't. I'm only one man. But I can
proudly proclaim that in spite of still being absolutely
petrified of the walking dead, I have taken that fear
and used it to spark my creativity and inspire the
imagination like Bruce Wayne did with his fear of bats.
| I'm not
about to dress as Zombie Man and fight
crime, but I have taken the fear and made it
my bitch. Like many people insist, you have
to desensitize yourself on your fear and it
gets easier to cope with it. And I've done
that over the years. I certainly will not be
watching Romero's horror masterpiece about
the dead parading the halls of the shopping
mall anytime soon (and you can't make me),
but I've learned that whenever I have one of
my epic zombie nightmares that usually
involve me running and hiding from the
stalking dead in elevators, and hospitals,
and street corners, I take it as a sign from
my brain that perhaps I should be writing
this down and using it as material for my
next story where I pay homage to George A.
Romero, the man who brought the walking dead
to the homes of millions of people and
traumatized a generation of horror buffs
like me who looked for thrills and got a
glimpse of their own mortal fears that still
just doesn't make a lick of sense in the
wider scope of things. |
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Over
the years I've exercised the demons in my head, and have
shared them with many people like me in hopes of
conveying this stifling and petrifying little devil on
my shoulder who still inspires me to lay in my bed with
my body facing the door so I won't be surprised by
anything sneaking in. It's disturbing and nagging and...
it's the price you pay for being a horror lovers
sometimes.
Hello,
my name is Felix V and I am a kinemortophobe. Do you
think there are therapy groups out there for someone
like me? It's possible. I'm willing to bet it's a group
of people like me who have weapons in hand in case
Flyboy or the flannel zombie come out of the shadows
prepared to chow down on their innards. Perish the
thought. I'm going to watch "Ed, Edd, and Eddy" now.
Sweet dreams.
Thanks to Nite Owl, and The Bodyguard for help with this
article!
P.S.
Don't send me pictures of zombies as a gag in response
to this article, I won't find it the least bit humorous. |
