Here's a rather hilarious predicament for "All Soul's Day". Stay with me: in the film, the town are celebrating Dio De Los Muertos which means in English "Day of the Dead", now this is a film including cannibalistic zombies... you see where the predicament lies? How to make a zombie film revolving around the holiday "Day of the Dead", yet not being able to call it that at risk of being compared to the famous zombie film "Day of the Dead", or risking copyright infringement. Amazing, even when the Scifi channel aren't even trying, they're ripping off other people's shit. But, trust me, at this point, Scifi would benefit in being compared to "Day of the Dead", though don't think I didn't see the small hints at the title around the movie!

Either way, "All Souls Day" is a gigantic, colossal piece of shit that I just couldn't take. I'm not sure if the movie was intended to be serious horror and ended up becoming campy, or was actually played for comedy, but I just couldn't fathom how awful a movie could be until I finished watching this. Imagine "Manos: Hands of Fate" combined with "House of the Dead" (Is it a surprise the writer of this movie is the writer from "House of the Dead"?!) and you'll inevitably get "All Souls Day", one of the worst "horror" films I've ever seen. The Sci Fi Channel in the US has experienced something of an evolution. This is a channel that went from showing classic science fiction shows and "MST 3000" and replaced it with shit like this. What an evolution, eh? To try and explain what in god's name the point of this movie is would take a conjuring up of the brain cells I lost while watching this and form them in to words.

I immediately got the impression that this was going to royally suck, as I always do, ten minutes in to the film where a town industrialist dressed in modern clothing (in 1892?!!) catches one of his miners sneaking, what looks like a WWF championship belt under his floorboard and Trejo makes him kill himself and then leads a horde of the towns people like
sheep in to the mine and blows them up. He wants the gold in the mine, but kills everyone in it by an avalanche? Anyway, moving on, the film continues with padding in the tradition of "Manos: Hands of Fate". There's padding, padding, padding, and the segment with Jeffery combs? Padding. See, the movie attempts to be clever by sneaking in horror references when really it's about as subtle as a car crash. Oh, Jeffery Combs was in "Re-Animator" and this is a zombie movie! How clever. So, we, oddly flash forward to 1952 yet again with more padding with a family of ho hum tourists who stop in Mexico and hold up residence in the only hotel in the town.

We spend about forty minutes with characters we'll never see again, all for the sake of adding time to this shit. Anyway, after a really ridiculous sequence of more awful acting that renders it pointless, we're introduced to more people, two really obnoxious people Joss, a dorky pussy ass guy who should really be the leading man's best friend but, we're supposed to believe he's the hero, and his Mexican girlfriend Marisa who, is Mexican, which they make abundantly clear without a subtitle reading "She's a Mexican!" every time she's on-screen. So, after nearly crashing in to a girl who just had her tongue cut out, they seem pretty calm about it, and even check in to the hotel, and have sex. And we're introduced to more padding which means inane dialogue between the two characters, horrible acting, and unbelievably terrible editing.

Joss announces "let's get out bags from the truck" and their bags magically appear in their hands seconds later, and we manage to learn some serious life lessons like: someone from Orange Country can arrive in Mexico in under two hours, zombies are incredibly slow and walk in circles like its the rodeo, people can have sex without taking off any clothing or
humping, people can get drunk by taking two sips of wine, night comes really fast in Mexico, just because they're called flesh eating zombies doesn't mean they actually eat flesh, zombies don't groan but hiss like snakes and moan like cows, crashing in to a barely stable stick fence can completely total your car beyond recognition and still not harm the drivers, a couch that can be lifted by one man, can keep out hordes of super strong flesh eating zombies, one of whom threw a large desk across the room, and faced against impossible odds, seemingly normal people turn in to commando superheroes who can lock and load, aim and shoot without hesitation and can fight kung fu like nobody's business. Ah the wonders of movie-making.

And this movie is so stupid it doesn't even work as a campy horror film. Thirty minutes in to this and I was rolling in my seat laughing so loud. It's obvious there wasn't really much of a script to work with, so the makers let the character Joss improvise most of his lines as is apparent by the dining scene. And suddenly two characters are introduced in the middle
of the movie for no reason other than to pick up the slack but can't act for shit. The two actors introduced are funny. One is your stereotypical blonde bimbo, and the other is a walking talking African stereotype and what's sad is, even the actors don't look like they're buying this shit.

While I was trying to figure out what that fine assed Marissa sees in Joss, I just couldn't help notice that the characters are complete idiots here, the black character becomes Doogie Howser all of a sudden while, after looking out the window onto a horde of flesh eating zombies deduces like Sherlock: "I don't like this", and the main character Joss decides to run to the sheriff's office for bullets while his girlfriend covers him with a gun by... shooting in the air. Good plan, sweety! And poor Laura Harring, poor poor Laura Elena Harring hamming it up, and looking noticeably miserable while walking around throughout the entire movie holding a candle, and she didn't even show us her bigguns! Not even this movie could make me not love her anymore, she's a stone cold fox. Regardless, the movie just drudges on with more inconsistencies and we're never given any explanation about who the zombies are, and why sacrificing a Mexican girl keeps them away, but either way, this is a humongous piece of shit that I couldn't believe I wasted time on.

I can't explain how horrible this movie is, but forty minutes in to this and I had to put the remote away so I wouldn't throw it into my Television screen to stop the torture. This is horrible, and one of the worst horror movies I've ever witnessed, by far.

• Can you believe this was in Sundance? The nerve.

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