Hollywood is a lot like that idiotic kid of yours who, no matter how much confidence you allow, just can’t do anything right. You set up some optimism, let some benefit of the doubt slip in, and there he goes disappointing you yet again until you just stare at him thinking “Can’t you do anything right?” While Paul WS Anderson is that bad influence who keeps digging his hands into your affairs and fucking it up. In one drawn out obnoxious plot device, the sexy cheerleader girl asks her humble love interest: “Now… are you looking at me or the clock?” It’s almost as if she was talking to me, and I had to answer: “The Clock… the clock. Is it over yet?” It’s bad enough that the scene is so utterly stupid, pointless, and meaningless when you consider that these people are all just walking corpses prepared for the slaughter, but the acting just stinks. Period. I cared for no one, not the army chick, not the pizza guy, not the bad ass ex-con, not the hunter guy. I know this sounds stupid, but I really didn’t memorize anyone’s name because the characters here are extremely interchangeable and so broadly drawn that they’re more concepts and clichés than individuals with personalities and charisma, and they face generic conflicts that are more melodramatic than anything.

Will the sheriff prove himself as a leader? Will the army mom get the respect of her daughter? Will the bad-ass ex con teach his brother respect? Did they nuke the entire town including the babies in the hospital?! Will the cheerleader love the pizza guy? Will bad ass ex-con dude ever figure out how to use Predator’s gun? The biggest problem though, among many, is that the film takes such lengths in topping its predecessor with gore and violence that it never focuses on the truly annoying aspects from the first like boring characters, a weak plot motivation, and cheesy dialogue. But no we have to show a kid being killed by a chest burster: whoa, an alien popped out from a pregnant woman’s stomach: wow, a face was melted; who cares about the tricks when the magician is so annoying? That’s the question I kept asking. Meanwhile the Brothers Strause never quite ace the primary motivation for seeing this movie: Aliens fighting Predators. Instead I never knew what was happening because all of the action is confined to small dark spaces where all of the movement and excitement is incredibly incoherent because the Strause brothers never aim for an epic scale, they just film the fights in small shots and the general atmosphere is one of pure apathy.

Shapes moved, screams were heard, and I sat there constantly confused as to what was occurring before me. If you’re selling this battle royale, why keep us from watching it? And if you’re aiming for a hardcore R film, why not show the actual gore? Much more severe, is that Shane Salemo has two narratives that are so different that they never combine to form a strong uniting arc. At one point we’re dealing with a light and bittersweet CW drama about a small town and an ensemble of characters trying to overcome conflicts in their lives. The next point we’re down in the darkness with the Predators and Aliens tussling, and I’m left wondering why I felt like I was watching two different movies that never quite came together as a parallel arc beyond the clunky “They’re all fighting personal wars” motif that was about as subtle as a falling boulder and twice as clunky. Even when the characters are blasting aliens, and tough talking, I’m still hearing the theme song to “One Tree Hill.”

Did I hate it? No. Did I despise it? No. Did I think it was the worst of 2007? No. Did I like it? God no. Did I have fun? No, no, no, no. The biggest reason why this movie fails beyond belief is that it can never combine narratives and create entertainment. I wanted to love it, but wanting and having are two different things, and “Requiem” proves it. You want a good movie, but you get a lackluster effort.

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