2004
Rated: PG for violence, mild language, and stupidity.
Genre: Action Adventure Fantasy Romance
Directed By: Pitof
Running Time: 1:50
Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.
Review Date: 8/21/05
CATWOMAN

 

Funny thing about bad movies. They can reflect either the utter refusal to be resourceful from a filmmaker, or they can mirror the utter vanity of its makers. Such is the case of "Catwoman" a film touted as a bonafide hit before we saw the true horror. Bad movies with large budgets, and big stars ensuring a hit regardless of pre-conceived notions and even ensuring a good film after the general reservations from looking at the monstrosity that is the Catwoman costume. Films like these, from the standpoint of a movie-goer, and a comic book fan make me blood thirsty, and I revel in bringing out the claws (Pun not intended) and knocking it down a notch.

There is NOTHING redeeming about this film, there's nothing here that I can point out was a mild positive aspect. This is a film that screams sheer vanity from its star and filmmaker, and is truly thirty minutes longer than it has the right to be. Not only does this pride itself in being a humongous rip-off of "The Crow" (watch the teaser) and Dark Angel, but it takes pride in ripping off the aspects from "The Crow". There's a cat that guides her (check), a humble leading character turning in to a daring anti-hero (check), a comedic relief (check), a humongous city landscape (check), sexy but menacing villains (check), and the inevitable showdown that ends on a high rise with disastrous consequences (check!). This movie was so bad, even DC Comics distanced themselves from it claiming it wasn't their character, just some catwoman. Someone in DC Comics saw this and set off the alarm that they had to distance themselves as much as possible, but the problem is people didn't buy it, goes to show how stupid corporate execs are.

Can you imagine if "Superman Returns" sucks? This is not our Superman, it's just A Superman. So, not only do we have an immense travesty called a film, but we're given the usual clichés altogether. There's the voice over narration, because this movie wouldn't make sense without it, the obligatory opening credits with cats and Egyptian crap, and then we open with a Sunset Boulevard style opener that is incredibly hackneyed. And we meet our main character. Berry milks this role for all its worth and just so we know that she's weak and nimble, she's called Patience Phillips; subtle as a car wreck in the middle of a meteor shower. She's also incredibly clutzy, wears ugly pajamas, and really lays it on thick for the
audience with her emoting and whimpering with every scene she's in. There on, she stumbles on to a ridiculous youth cream secret, and is killed because of her mistake, and is brought back to life by a group of the cheesiest and most obvious CGI animated cats ever made. But here's where the makers mess up, instead of just giving her character traits of a cat, they give her every natural aspect of a cat.

She loves fish, hates water, and, then the writers go too far turning it in to a campy crapfest when she follows fish in a tank instinctively, and even begins sniffing catnip orgasmically. When did Berry think this would grant her a hit? I expected her to jump on to a couch at one point and begin scratching at it while Stone batted at her with a newspaper. It's just played so ridiculously that you just can't help laughing and cringing at the same time, because you get to witness the fast decline of the career of this talented actress with this vanity film. Everyone manages to pull in really bad performances here, and I'm still not sure whether to blame the actors or blame the director. Either way, Berry is at her plain worse here with exaggerated facial expressions, horrible delivery of horrible dialogue and she looks horrible in that monstrosity called a costume.

Instead of a superhero she resembles more of a psychotic supermodel who has had enough. The costume is so intent on looking good, it forgets to hide her identity, be thought of as convenient, and makes her look incredibly dumb. I mean, how the hell does she put that on when there's an emergency, give me a break! Nah, no one can identify you in a barely there costume, and cheap mask that exposes your facial features. Stone is very over the top, and Bratt is reduced to nothing but a bland love interest with no depth. Then there's your horrible dialogue attempting to garner a popular catch phrase, so the writers throw one-liners our way non-stop to the point where there's not a single paragraph of dialogue spoken. There's a catchphrase and one-liner thrown everywhere that are so bad they would make even Steven Segal cringe.

And the cat puns are thrown everywhere as you can assume, but where was "Kittens got claws"? Or "Getting arrested is a cat-astrophe"? Or the penultimate "You sure are pussy whipped". Be creative with your bad puns! The direction (or lack thereof) is literally staggering. There are some sequences that are so hastily put together, I was just incredibly dizzy. The director is named Pitof for god sake! You know this movie will blow! We're subjected to non-stop quick cuts that were utterly dizzying, while the awful hip hop soundtrack blares endlessly, meanwhile there's an empty void throughout the entire film. Yes, to call a spade a spade, this is a pure piece of shit intended solely for the ADD crowd, the mental defects, and Berry horn dogs.

Halle Berry looks a fool, Sharon Stone becomes a tool, Benjamin Bratt does nothing but drool, Pitof thinks he's really cool, all the while we're given endless bad dialogue, horrible direction, lackluster action, a nonsensical plot, and a movie that is just a colossal waste of time. This is an awful movie, truly the purebred of awful superhero flicks.
Halle, give the Oscar back.
 

  • Sean Young thinks she's catwoman.
  • Stunt Doubles for Berry were men.
  • DC warns this is not their catwoman despite many references to Batman.
  • The fighting style Catwoman uses is Capoeira.

 

 

 


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