While "Cellular" is ultimately not a perfect film, it sure is a lot of fun. This is the guilty pleasure you can boast proudly about, the guilty pleasure that insults your intelligence but you decide to turn the other cheek. "Cellular" may very well soon be included in a two-pack DVD with "Phone Booth" in a bargain store, hell it's written by the same screenwriter, but as a standalone, I had fun, I'll admit. There are many flaws, but much of that seemed to really just melt away amidst the fun action and the utterly compelling performances by the great cast. As always, we're given an average Joe thrown in to an extraordinary situation that he just can not get out of. Imagine if Hitchcock had a bastard mongoloid child with Michael Bay, and you'd ultimately get this film.

Part suspense mystery that's really enthralling, part actioner that's--well--that's that. Conundrum: Don't you hate it when you're out on a sunny day, having fun, you just had an argument with your girlfriend Jessica Biel, and suddenly there's a hostage who calls you and needs your help or else she'll die? But you can't hang up or else you'll never find her? That always happens to me! But I digress, such is the predicament surfer boy Ryan finds himself in one day after Jessica Martin is kidnapped by a gang of men who threaten to kill her son and hide her in an unknown location. Jessica, being a Science teacher, manages to gather a signal from a smashed phone, and stumbles on to Ryan's signal. Them Science teachers are natural MacGuyver's.

Either way when your life depends on a surfer boy, you know she'd be desperate, and we commence with the action thriller which supplies us with some great characters, and juicy acting. Not to mention the appearance of Jason Statham as the main villain. The presence of Statham instantly sold the film for me, because, simply Statham is pure bad-assness incarnate. With all the Russell Crowe's and Colin Farrell's in Hollywood, people like Statham are a rarity that go unnoticed. The truly grizzled, hard jawed villain who knows how to slap some woman around and actually make you root for him. As I was. Because he's Jason Statham. I'm a fan. You rock, dude. Watch "The Transporter" to know his bad-ass-itude.

Moving on, desperate to save her life, the Human Torch (Evans) must not only find a cop to help him with his situation but must contend with cell phone problems like keeping from driving in to a tunnel, not being able to go too deep in to a police station lest he lose her signal and, of course, the dying battery. And there's also the gunmen who will kill Basinger any minute, can't forget about that. Yet, as the film goes on, we discover the rabbit hole goes much deeper than a blonde chick being held by a British LAPD officer. For a film like this, it really does know how to be tense when it wants to, relying on some great plot twists to up the "Oh, shit" factor that will make you slap your forehead in disappointment while hoping human torch finds another way out of his predicament.

Kim Basinger is at a nine here (Corny, ain't I?) with a really inspired performance where she managed to take a simple one note hostage character and turned her in to this real human fighting for her life. And she can scream. There's Statham, we talked about him, and then Chris Evans, who I was surprised actually had the lead role in the film up until the film ended. I've only seen the dude in a few movies, but he manages to show some real range and utter distress in his slacker character that must take on this responsibility of a human life. Evans is talented in this role and does more than scream and run around... he also drives. Seriously though, Evans makes his character really fun to watch. He's really unlikable at the first half and is cold-hearted to Jessica's pleas for help, but he manages to redeem himself, and Evans despite his occasionally uneven deliveries, really packs the talent in his performance to an otherwise fun flick.

The film is often, very often clunky, and is utterly rigid and sloppy in storytelling. As with a film like this, you'd expect no character emphasis, but there is, and unfortunately there is the usual vapidity you'd expect for something like this. It's all just paint by numbers character introductions that is so clunky I was just cringing. Instead of displaying
characteristics of the main hero, we're told by his ex (Jessica Biel in a very short role) what type of person he is, almost spelling it out for us, so we can go: "Oh, he's irresponsible, and now he has a life on his hands! Quite the conundrum!" And the set-ups for Macy's character is also pretty sloppy as he basically almost introduces himself while on the phone which is just dumb.

And Jessica's character is often the MacGuyver when it comes to convenience towards plot. She can wire a smashed phone to work, but can't think of a way out, the criminals never hear her talking on the phone, but they can hear noise on the phone. I wish my science teacher knew how to make calls out of smashed telephones! They could really break in to the White House. And had the film taken itself a lot more seriously, this could have been much more enjoyable. It's often very campy teetering on excruciatingly cheesy from comedic relief from eccentric characters to one liners that just fall flat, I mean Ricky Martin jokes were funny four years ago. Very often the film has these dumb elements to their plot that were just cringe inducing.

Macy's character in a mud mask? The obnoxious lawyer? The constant funny characters he encountered along the way, it's all just so hackneyed. And the film relies mostly on plot holes and devices that were just too obvious to be taken seriously and really took me out of the narrative all too easily. There's always a cab when he needs one, there is always an escape route, there are hardly any cops around, and who keeps their fishing bowl on a shaky pedestal by their couch? Honestly! Also, Jessica knows how to perform amazing tricks using her knowledge of science to get what she wants.

Wow, my science teachers always used their text books for answers and sat behind their
desk like a lump on a log. By the last scene and the closing credits, it was so obvious that the writers just couldn't take this material seriously, so ultimately, "Cellular" has the two movie syndrome, one part that often feels like a tense, taut thriller, and the other is an action comedy, both of which never mesh in to anything remotely watchable, yet it all just feels so completely forced.

I was on a two scale with this film. I loved the thriller aspect with the plot twists, tension, and suspense, but I disliked the action comedy that was often cheesy, padded, and bland. Otherwise, it's a fun film with great performances.

• My plans for a sequel:
  ATM
  There was "Phone Booth", "Cellular", "Pulse" and now "ATM", where a man needs ransom money for a random stranger, but, damn it, they can't find a working ATM anywhere in the City. Patent Pending. Spoiler - Turns out he's over his balance and has a brawl with the bank clerks saving the day. You know you want to see it.
• Statham used to be a black market salesman, and knows martial arts. Who's bad?

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