2007
Rated: PG-13 for adult language, sexual humor, and being a shitty comedy.
Genre: Comedy Adventure
Directed By: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Running Time: 1:25
Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.
Review Date: 1/23/08
Special Features:
Audio Commentary by Writers/Directors Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
Storyboard-to-Scene Comparison
Family Affair Featurette
Casting Tapes
Touring The Chocolate Factory with Your Host Adam Campbell Featurette
EPIC MOVIE

 

It’s sad that the days when a spoof showed potential of pure brilliance or cult standing are long gone and now usher in nothing but incredibly awful or mediocre movies that assume spoofing is done best when satirizing the scenes and not the ideas. “Epic Movie” is the next step in the evolution of this sub-genre where you can see the writers getting collectively lazier with each title as the years pass. “Epic Movie” pretty much just takes every popular movie in the last year and a half and just basically mimics scenes beat by beat assuming its material for bonafide laughs. That’s why rather than subtly jabbing at these fads and concocting a plot, “Epic Movie” is just a pastiche of pop culture crap that’s formed into a monstrous bastard of unfunny physical comedy, awful acting, and jokes that are outright flat on delivery. “Epic Movie” is not in the area of, say, “Date Movie” where I contemplated homicide and mass murder, no.

Instead I just sat in my seat for as long as possible, gazing blankly at the screen and considered other methods of distraction…

10 minute mark:
Is that Jayma Mays as Paris Hilton? They kind of look alike. Damn does my ass itch. Paris Hilton jokes are as worn out as Paris Hilton. Get over it, people! Damn cold blisters.

20 minute mark:
I whipped out my Nintendo DS and began finishing the brain teasers for the day on “Brain Age 2.” I declined in progress with Word Scramble, but I’m getting much better with the Block Count. The hardest, “Memory Run,” has been mastered. I rock.

25 Minute Mark:
I am thinking how shockingly hot Jayma Mays is, and how sweet she is for trying to be funny. I liked her in “Heroes” and wondered where she went wrong. Seriously, she was Charlie. Her little lisp is so adorable, what a sweety pie. And god I love red heads.

28 Minute Mark:
It’s depressing. They turned Diddy into a fawn which is the unfunniest moment of the film, and I’m still bumming about Heath Ledger’s death. Man that “X-Men” spoof was stupid. Carmen Electra collects another paycheck playing Mystique.

 

29 Minute Mark:
They’re still doing “Scarface” spoofs? Score! 556 points on Virus Buster for “Brain Age 2”! I almost beat the record on Hard. Go me. I’m currently at 29 years old for Brain Age. 9 beats away from the ideal brain age in two months. Word.

35 Minute Mark:
I love Kal Penn even in pieces of shit like this. Watch "The Namesake" for proof of that. They’re still doing “American Pie” jokes?! You were in Christopher Guest movies, why are you in this, Vanessa Coolidge?! More dwarves being used as props for gags, how disgraceful.

40 Minute Mark:
Not to sound racist, but why must we always have a sassy African girl balancing the uptight Caucasian girl in these new spoof movies? Will people even get the Nicole Richie jokes five years from now? Damn, I flopped on “Word Blend.”

41 Minute Mark:
The beaver is a slang speaking sassy African beaver who is gay, and also acts as a double entendre for vagina. You can almost hear the producers laughing about this in the writer’s room. Shite. Did they take all the best stuff from Youtube and put it on the big screen without crediting the creators?

43 Minute Mark:
I like the animated head in “Brain Age 2.” He’s so friendly. Okay, that “Superman Returns” spoof was funny. I’ll give them that…

44 Minute Mark:
“Are you sure you want to erase this recording from your DVR?”

44 Minutes, 28 Second Mark:
“Yes, Erase.”

Remember kids: "Memory Run" is just about adding and subtracting, "Block Count" boils down to imagining the blocks, and don't be afraid to go hogwild with "Virus Buster." Oh yeah, this movie sucks like a black hole.

 

 

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