It’s sad that the days when a spoof showed potential of pure brilliance
or cult standing are long gone and now usher in nothing but incredibly
awful or mediocre movies that assume spoofing is done best when
satirizing the scenes and not the ideas. “Epic Movie” is the next step
in the evolution of this sub-genre where you can see the writers getting
collectively lazier with each title as the years pass. “Epic Movie”
pretty much just takes every popular movie in the last year and a half
and just basically mimics scenes beat by beat assuming its material for
bonafide laughs. That’s why rather than subtly jabbing at these fads and
concocting a plot, “Epic Movie” is just a pastiche of pop culture crap
that’s formed into a monstrous bastard of unfunny physical comedy, awful
acting, and jokes that are outright flat on delivery. “Epic Movie” is
not in the area of, say, “Date Movie” where I contemplated homicide and
mass murder, no.
Instead I just sat in
my seat for as long as possible, gazing blankly at the screen and
considered other methods of distraction…
10 minute mark:
Is that Jayma Mays as Paris Hilton? They kind of look alike. Damn does
my ass itch. Paris Hilton jokes are as worn out as Paris Hilton. Get
over it, people! Damn cold blisters.
20 minute mark:
I whipped out my Nintendo DS and began finishing the brain teasers
for the day on “Brain Age 2.” I declined in progress with Word Scramble,
but I’m getting much better with the Block Count. The hardest, “Memory
Run,” has been mastered. I rock.
25 Minute Mark:
I am thinking how shockingly hot Jayma Mays is, and how
sweet she is for trying to be funny. I liked her in “Heroes”
and wondered where she went wrong. Seriously, she was
Charlie. Her little lisp is so adorable, what a sweety pie.
And god I love red heads.
28 Minute Mark:
It’s depressing. They turned Diddy into a fawn which is
the unfunniest moment of the film, and I’m still bumming
about Heath Ledger’s death. Man that “X-Men” spoof was
stupid. Carmen Electra collects another paycheck playing
29 Minute Mark:
They’re still doing “Scarface” spoofs? Score! 556 points on Virus
Buster for “Brain Age 2”! I almost beat the record on Hard. Go me. I’m
currently at 29 years old for Brain Age. 9 beats away from the ideal
brain age in two months. Word.
35 Minute Mark:
I love Kal Penn even in pieces of shit like this. Watch "The
Namesake" for proof of that. They’re still doing “American Pie” jokes?!
You were in Christopher Guest movies, why are you in this, Vanessa
Coolidge?! More dwarves being used as props for gags, how disgraceful.
40 Minute Mark:
Not to sound racist, but why must we always have a sassy African
girl balancing the uptight Caucasian girl in these new spoof movies?
Will people even get the Nicole Richie jokes five years from now? Damn,
I flopped on “Word Blend.”
41 Minute Mark:
The beaver is a slang speaking sassy African beaver who is gay, and also
acts as a double entendre for vagina. You can almost hear the producers
laughing about this in the writer’s room. Shite. Did they take all the
best stuff from Youtube and put it on the big screen without crediting
43 Minute Mark:
I like the animated head in “Brain Age 2.” He’s so friendly. Okay,
that “Superman Returns” spoof was funny. I’ll give them that…
44 Minute Mark:
“Are you sure you want to erase this recording from your DVR?”
44 Minutes, 28
Remember kids: "Memory Run" is just about adding and subtracting, "Block
Count" boils down to imagining the blocks, and don't be afraid to go
hogwild with "Virus Buster." Oh yeah, this movie sucks like a black