Like every red blooded male, we love action movies. A good action movie
provides an experience, it provides a form of escapism, and it provides
a reality where explosions don't kill you, women jump into your pants,
ammo never wastes, and people are killed without consequence. We love
the blood, the kicks, the tits, and the bullets. So just to pay homage
to one of our favorite genres, and to some of the men who inspired us to
appreciate the genre in all its appeal, we present you with some of our
favorite action stars of all time, summed up with our usual wit and
brilliance. Lock and load, and prepare for Our Favorite Action Stars of
All Time!
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How
to describe Ashley Williams? You call him a
self-centered, vain, egomaniacal, prickish moron who
is in it for himself even when facing down the
humongous hordes of demons seeking to take down a
society. Then he flips you off, hurls a cheesy
one-liner at you and saunters off with a smirk. And
you still admire the bastard. Could it have been
perfected without the likes of Bruce Campbell? No
way in bloody hell, buster. In "Evil Dead," he was
the hapless Ash who went on a simple vacation with
friends and found himself at the mercy of monsters.
In "Evil Dead II," he was Ash yet again except
wiser, more aware, and loonier. In "Army of
Darkness," he was cliche superhero with the cleft,
the attitude, and the horrible one-liners that hurt
so good. Sure, Bruce Campbell made other action
movies, we get it, but as Ash he's so damn good. How
to describe Bruce Campbell? "I can't vouch for the
script because they never gave us full scripts for
"Spider-Man." They would only give you the pages,
and they all had serial numbers, and if it ever
wound up on the Internet, they would sue you and
murder you and take your children." Nuff said. |
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Before he went cuckoo for Christian puffs with a
penchant for alcohol fueld anti-semitism, Mel
Gibson was a rock star of the eighties action
genre. He was young, he had a nice mane of hair,
and he had a rocking Australian accent that made
him stand out. Pegged with another iconic role,
Gibson became another of the many chameleons in
this list as the post-apocalyptic warrior known
as Mad Max, out for vengeance facing nomads,
tribes, and war zones, and using every resource
to his advantage. And there will never be
another character like Briggs, a suicidal
psychotic officer forced to team with an older
more disciplined officer to face off against
equally maniacal gangsters. From our beloved
"Payback," to "Braveheart," right down to
fighting for his son in "Ransom," Gibson is our
favorite wacky Australian whose talent as an
actor, director, and action star are undeniable. |
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Back
in his prime, Harrison Ford was simply one of the
greatest action stars of all time who also gave some
great performances in dramatic roles to boot. Though
Alec Baldwin was indeed the first to helm the
character, Ford is now known as the quintessential
Jack Ryan, in two rather good films. As you know,
Ford started as the man known as Han Solo, the
roughneck space pirate shipping cargo for
intergalactic mob bosses in the original "Star Wars"
trilogy, and then rebounded with the iconic Indiana
Jones in the wonderful series of movies, now
continuing with a fourth part. From "The Fugitive"
to "Air Force One," Ford can take the cake as the
cleft chinned, smooth talking valiant crusader and
add a bit of himself in every single role. His
consistent change of pace has made him a star and
kept him from being typecast, and we know when he
goes, there will never be anyone like him. We love
Ford, even if he'd bust us in the chops if we told
him. |
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Statham was always built for action cinema and
it's good we have this chiseled, gruff Brit to
remind us what an action hero once looked like.
Statham is simply one of my all time favorites
of modern film. From his growls and grimaces, to
his muscle bound body, Statham can take almost
anything and make it pop. From "Snatch," to "The
One," the man is a powerhouse. We of course know
him from the hit or miss "The Transporter" which
became a great vehicle for the man as a
chameleonic messenger who delivers various
things for different crime lords. And of course
who can forget "The Transporter 2," a much
better film with a cartoonish premise, but a
formula that works thanks to Statham's over the
top performance. And could "Crank" have worked
without the man? I doubt it. The utterly
ridiculous film became a deserved cult classic
with Statham playing a mobster injected with a
drug that will kill him if his adrenaline goes
down. Statham has much more in store for the
action genre, and it also helps that he's a
pretty damn good actor. |
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He's
Snake Plissken. Is there anyone on this list more
deserving of a slot than him? I think not. Where can pinpoint
this man's body of work in the action genre. John
Carpenter graced him with the persona of the
futuristic Eastwood as the patched, mysterious
warrior known as Snake who is given the mission to
rescue the president when he lands in Manhattan. To
a lesser degree, there's Snake in LA, who has to
rescue the president's daughter. Nonetheless,
Russell is and shall forever be Snake Plissken and
in his roles as a hockey coach, or a superhero, he's
still just Snake. He's always been the Harrison Ford
take off, a man who could never quite pin himself
down to one persona but he's still Snake. His most
recent take in his glorious machismo was the
slithery psycho Stuntman Mike in the underrated
"Death Proof," the man with the hot rod who is taken
out by a bunch of busty women in a beautiful
climactic chase. Tarantino didn't grant him a reboot
he'd boasted of in interviews, but just the same
with roles like "Tombstone," "The Thing," "Big
Trouble in Little China," and "Stargate," the man is
still a living legend. |
Ready the body bags, we're
doubling the fire power with Part Two! >>
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