Remember the kid's cartoon on Nickelodeon called "Inspector Gadget"? Remember the villain on that show, Dr Claw, who always wore a hood and watched everything on a computer monitor while sitting in a chair rocking and stroking a cat? The villain in this movie is the same damn guy, I swear to God. Minus the cat. Same hood, same habit of rocking in his chair, same monitor screens. Same villain. Except he's far less realistic in "Captivity" than he is in "Inspector Gadget." I started this movie with about the lowest expectations I've ever had for a movie and I was surprised to learn that although almost everyone in the world describes this movie as terrible, they don't even come close to doing it justice. It's not just terrible, it's horrid and excruciatingly painful to watch (and this is coming from someone who owns and has sat through such classics as "A Night to Dismember" and "Avia: Vampire Hunter"). As I watched the movie I found myself reminiscing about other movies I've watched recently (because I found it too physically painful to focus on the screen for any length of time) and I mused that even though I hated the similarly torture-themed "Saw 4" I could at least enjoy the plentiful gore in that movie.

And then the rest of the movie happened, and I found myself thinking, "Um...can we go back to not having a plot? Because now it's even worse." I kid you not, I found myself saying aloud several times "Someone PAID someone to write this dialogue?" If you've read any of my reviews you should know that I don't shy away from torture in film, I respect directors who portray it well and even find myself defending films everyone else hates and derides as gratuitous garbage. But I'm sorry, "Captivity" IS gratuitous garbage. The actors can't act, or if they can they're either just cashing a paycheck here and not even trying or they're not given enough time to elaborate their roles so we see their talent, or they're forced to say such atrocious dialogue and appear in such ridiculous situations that we can't see their acting ability. The setup here isn't original anymore and in fact it's getting pretty old and I'd like it to stop now.

I'm glad every mass murderer in movies these days has limitless amounts of money at their disposal to build tons of elaborate torture machines to use on numerous victims as well as the supernatural ability to infiltrate posh and exclusive settings to trap, drug, and capture said victims over and over again. I'm glad that elaborate torture devices can apparently be built undetected in the basements of old houses without anyone noticing the tools or the construction enough to become suspicious while famous women are disappearing all over and being taken to this lair every month. Dr. Claw would be proud. Whatever you think about the Saw films, or Hostel, or hell, even Turistas, at least they paid lip service to a REASON why all this torture was happening and why the police might not have caught on. Here we get nothing, just two omnipotent, omniscient guys who can flit about kidnapping famous women and torturing them with their huge torture contraptions, unhampered by any kind of budgetary restraints, unnoticed in their role as kidnappers and captors, and undetected by the local authorities. It's ridiculous and insulting.

Let's go with insulting. Why is this movie so insulting to me? It's not, as assbag...um, I mean RESPECTABLE DIRECTOR Roland Joffe might suggest, because I'm overly sensitive or because I'm a woman and therefore can't stand to see women be tortured. Now, contrary to popular belief, torture isn't my favorite thing in the world but I seek out movies that can portray the harsh realities of torture because I cry and am moved and feel enlightened by the experience. And even when torture movies are exploitive and stupid, I can sit around with my friends and laugh at the stupidity and find a different way of enjoying the experience. Trust me, I'm not easily offended or shocked. But you know what fucking PISSES me off? When someone copies scenes and elements and ideas from better movies without all the pesky attempts at a plot, throws together a script that was written by brain damaged monkeys, hires a bunch of people who either can't act or are constrained by the factors I mentioned above, films a crappy movie with them and then tacks on a stupid, ridiculous ending that pretends to have a socially conscious plot behind it. Um, excuse me. No. It doesn't work that way.

No Virginia, the movie DOESN'T work. Let's forget for a moment that being abused and tortured doesn't give you an excuse to harm others, and let's forget that saying in an interview that a rapist "got exactly what he deserved" over and over might lead the cops to somehow suspect you, and let's forget that the premise of a ridiculous movie doesn't become any less ridiculous when instead of two random killers the killer suddenly becomes a woman who's already had dealings with the police because of her status as a victim and now the police are wise to the theme and idea of the killings because they caught the killers who used these devices to capture and torture said woman. Let's forget all pretenses to reality and rational thought since those two things obviously have nothing to do with this movie. What the filmmakers here don't seem to understand is that an audience isn't going to stand and cheer for a "revenge" when they haven't been given any reason to like the characters or the movie in the first place. And we're not going to magically forget that the whole idea that this kind of hugely elaborate kidnap/torture operation could continue undetected is ludicrous just because it's now a woman doing the torture and not a man (or two men or two plot devices or whatever you prefer). Seriously, are you kidding us? Are you kidding yourselves? Do you even know how to make a movie? Because all you made here is a mess.