2003
Rated: R for graphic language, strong sexual content, graphic sexual language, graphic violence, and some possibly offensive material.
Genre: Crime, Gangster, Comedy/Romance Drama
Directed By: Martin Brest
Running Time: 2:11
Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.
Review Date: 6/13/04
GIGLI

 

Yes. I am here to say yes, everything you've heard about "Gigli" is true, and then some. But first, a back story shall we? Back when the much hyped over-publicized couple the media so ridiculously referred to as Bennifer were together ad severe nauseum, "Gigli" was in the works. Much publicized and talked about, "Gigli" was said to be a blockbuster potential with a very high budget and the top notch cast, well, top notch depending on how you look at it.

A mildly talented actor and mildly talented actress teamed together to form this piece of cinematic fecal matter. I don't feel it necessary to pry and view into the personal lives of celebrities, especially celebrities I neither admire nor follow, and I did not fall into the media induced hype and supposed "A list couple", and I use the term very loosely in this case.

Conveniently, around the time "Gigli" was being made, the two got together and they were married, or nearly married, whatever. So all this time I thought "Gigli" happened to be a French film when in fact I never knew it was an American film. Suffice to say none of the American public flocked to theaters to see the two on screen, and neither did I. It seems the media's attempts to garner attention to the movie and possibly create a franchise were all skewed and alas "Gigli" gained infamy.

Rising to the top of the list on IMDB's worst movies, being panned by critics, earning eleven Razzie's, and making only an estimated five million dollars gross from a movie made from sixty million dollars, this was indeed a failure on every spectrum and dimension. Why do I give you this back story? Maybe because the over hype tainted the performance of the film, and just to let you know that my terrible review does not depend on personal bias on the two overblown stars, but that this movie is indeed a piece of cinematic fecal matter.

Believe the hype for this one folks, this pretentious armchair critic is tellin' you. Larry Gigli is a brainless stooge for the local mobster who love what he does. It's not pronounce giggly, no, not Hilie, no, but Geely, which, Gigli so eloquently states, "rhymes with really" which caused me to shout "So?!" It rhymes with really? What sense does that make? I guess it establishes the amount of brains he has, but the terrible screenwriters spawned that little tidbit in an attempt to garner a memorable movie quote and really was the only word they could think of?

Get a dictionary people! Here, I have one. Words that rhyme with Gigli that could have been much better and made more sense than really: squealy, mealy, wheelie, you think it up, but "really"? Come on. I bet even Affleck read this and said "What the f--k?!" Gigli, played by Ben Affleck whose Jersey accent mysteriously appears and disappears is ordered to take care of a mentally disabled guy named Brian.

After the two exchange introductions in an obnoxious scene derived from "Rain Man", Gigli takes Brian to his home and has to keep him there. There, the two's relationship is hardly friendly and in walks Ricki ala Jennifer Lopez whose Jersey accent also appears and disappears and sometimes is exaggerated. Her introduction is an attempt at sexual but reveals she's there to help him look after Brian. As would be expected, the two don't take a liking to one another, but soon learn to like each other, as they do Brian. Now Brian would be a good character had he not been so obnoxious and badly performed by Justin Bartha who makes Brian a shrill and rather annoying character with no redeeming qualities.

With a really bad imitation of Dustin Hoffman from "Rain Man" he walks around bobbing his head and spouting little sentences while occasionally breaking into song singing old school rap music to himself, a plot device which was intended to be charming, but just adds to the obnoxious appeal to this character. However, the two equally obnoxious henchmen begin to admire one another and Brian but soon learn their liking for one another is getting in the way of the job, oh and did I mention Lopez' character is gay? Anyway, the two engage in a lot of forced, trite, and overly analytical dialogue with one another as an attempt to get the audience either dazzled or confused within their nonsensical rants to one another.

Gigli is such an obvious, self-indulgent, vain, gawdy, over budgeted film, and it's pretty evident while watching the movie. Had this been a small budget film it would have had an excuse for its quality, but this is so bad but it looks so custom-tailored to be good, that its self-expectation becomes its downfall. Lopez seems to go all out with her dialogue which she spouts, but its obvious by her expressions that even she doesn't know what in heaven's name she's talking about, so the delivery of her "intelligent" monologues and seven syllable words are very forced, and very trite.

There's even one very annoying and drawn out monologue in which the two discuss the intricacies of the female and male genitalia while Lopez flexes her body during yoga, maybe in an attempt to hypnotize the men in the audience to keep from noticing her wretched dialogue, but her dialogue is so self-indulgent and boring that hearing it almost makes no sense as she analyzes why she likes women and the female genitalia and so on, and on, and on that the scene is empty because not even she looks like she believes what she's saying.

The dialogue is so god-awful with trite annoying one-liners and odd switches to long drawn out self-indulgent monologues as everyone analyzes everything despite the fact neither has a brain in their head. There's even a really bad, forced, and ridiculous scene in which Gigli is confronted by a group of punks playing a radio very loudly to which Ricki steps to his defense and uses her brain, and big mouth to scare them out of walking away. She quotes Chinese philosopher's, makes little jokes, the whole kitten caboodle to which they'd expect the audience to clap, while I was just rolling my eyes so much, I nearly got a migraine, not to mention by the worst line of the film in which Lopez spouts a truly obnoxious seduction line on Gigli, one I won't type. It's an awful line you can only hear to gasp in horror.

It's safe to say neither of the characters have redeeming qualities, so we're given a lot of body shots of the two including a lot of glimpses at Lopez' legs and between her legs, and Affleck's muscular physique, perhaps to draw attention from his ridiculous outdated hairdo which looks like a really bad imitation of a fifty's greaser. Then the film gets desperate by slipping in three walk on cameos from Hollywood veterans, the first being Christopher Walken whom I have no idea why he's in the film in the first place. He pops into Gigli's apartment, makes another monologue, and leaves never to be seen again. Wow, even his performance in the film is bad, and I'm usually very fond of his acting, then there's Lainie Kazan who plays Gigli's overly sexual mother who makes a large comedic monologue, interacts with the characters, and is never to be seen from again, and perhaps the most embarrassing is Al Pacino, yes, you heard me right, Al Pacino! He plays the big bossman who, say it with me, makes a long drawn out monologue, kills someone, and then makes another monologue to the two actors. Why Pacino? Why? You broke my heart Al, you broke my heart.

So the plot then takes a turn for the worse as the two are ordered to cut Brian's thumb off and send it to his family, so they're conflicted and sad at their task while I'm screaming "Cut it off! Make that idiot suffer! Gimme the knife, I'll happily do it and shove it into his mouth!" Ain't I a bastard? So, cue the obligatory happy ending as the two realize their fondness for Brian and do something really ridiculous, but wait--what about the mafia who are after them? Oh, who cares? This movie is terrible!

Did the over hype from Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez' relationship taint the performance of this movie? We'll never know, but this is a derivative, cliché awful film with terrible performances, embarrassing dialogue, and a plot that goes nowhere fast.

 

 

 


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