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HOLLYWOOD: WHERE ALL THOSE AWESOME
THINGS THAT SHOULD HAPPEN RARELY DO... AND ALL THE THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN, HAPPEN TWICE
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Remember "Jaws"? Of course you do. Remember "Poltergeist"? "The Exorcist"? Know what those are? They're horror films. Know what they don't have? A masked guy with a knife slicing his way through a bunch of teenagers whose faces you'll never see again. Because that's what horror films used to be. Scary. What do the three movies I mentioned have in common with each other? Not a whole lot, other than the genre. See, if you wanted to scare your friend, you wouldn't hide in the exact same place every time, would you? Then, tell me... why the hell do these movies hide in the exact same place every single time nowadays? Why are all horror films nowadays the same damn thing over and over? I'll tell you why. Because they aren't being made to scare you. They're being made by some fan boy filmmaker who is just trying to pay the bills while paying homage to formulas that used to be original. At some point, he probably dreamed of telling amazing stories using a camera and a crew... but he settled for the steady paycheck by rehashing the same old shit. He might even hate the fact that he's doing it but from a business standpoint, it'd be stupid to stop. It'd be financially irresponsible to step away from such a money-making formula. Make no mistake about it. That's what horror films have become today. A formula. Guaranteed to make money... just ask any no-budget director why he's going with the horror genre and he'll tell you. Well, maybe he won't tell you... but the answer is this: They make money even when they suck. Late-night geeks raid the bargain bins for bad horror films. For movies that are spoofing greater films half as a tribute and half because the filmmakers can't make their own original stuff. It's become a joke, but it makes money. One more time. It's become a joke, but it makes money. That's the creed of our generation's entertainment. See, it isn't "F*ck Hollywood... indie films rule!". It's "F*CK YOU" and "F*CK ME". We're the fan boy generation. The nostalgia kids. We think everything that happened during our childhood should instantly be remade, spoofed, or sequeled. When asked what we think is so great about something so bad, we smugly snicker and explain "You don't get it. It's so bad it's good!" We're wrong. Sometimes it's so bad it's funny. Sometimes it's bad, but we like it anyway... but it's never, ever "so bad, it's good".
Some day we're going to look back at the years from 2000 to 2010 and we're not gonna be quite sure what was happening culturally, other than the fact that everybody was busy rehashing stuff from the 70's and 80's. I'm not just talking about horror films. I'm not just talking about all of those old cartoons that we thought were great even though they were just really long toy commercials. I'm not just talking about movies where guys who'd never changed a flat tire in their real lives were flexing their muscles and blowing anybody with even moderately dark skin to hell with an Uzi. I'm talking about all of it. Don't get me wrong. Great, original works still do slip through the cracks on occasion ("District 9" rocked my socks) and I really do understand from a business standpoint how making a new "Star Trek" movie is a better decision than making something original and unproven with no pre-sold audience. Financially, I get it. What I do NOT get is why we, the consumers, line up for the damn things over and over, regardless of the quality. I loved "Jaws". Would I get in line for a remake by Eli Roth? Never. I played with He-Man toys. Does that mean I need a 2 hour movie about it? No! Also, I'm not saying that every remake or sequel is a bad thing. Sometimes, it makes as much sense artistically to do something as it does financially. In my opinion, a new X-Men series is dying to be made and done right. I also think that a lot of the old "Final Fantasy" games have stories that would translate to huge dollar signs on the big screen, again, if done right. There's a difference between those two deep mythologies with layered characters and say, a Teddy Ruxpin movie. To sum everything up, I think it's time to stop calling things that are mediocre "great" just because we used to think they were. By doing that, we're closing the door on that which truly is. Just because we grew up on it doesn't make it worth sharing. Just because it was part of our childhoods doesn't mean it holds up or deserves to be screened in front of a worldwide audience. Stop being so arrogant. Stop being so dumb. It is time for us to stop rehashing that which may or may not have actually been good the first time around. Fellow nerds... I hereby declare that it is long past time for us to... (wait for it)... grow up. By that, I don't mean to never fight for something you know could be good. I don't mean we should all become film snobs and turn our attention solely to independent or original films. I'm just saying to use a more selfless, open minded judgment. Our generations' need to revisit the old days has flooded the market. That means that every OTHER generation has to sit through all of this garbage while the few of us who remember the original material stare fondly at images cast by an old film projector as it plays our memories right before our eyes. Meanwhile, everybody else in the room is yawning and wondering what was so great to begin with. You know how boring it is when a complete stranger is showing you pictures of the fun they had at the beach? In the words of a certain old man who's wallet is LOVING our nostalgia craze.... "'Nuff said"
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