“This movie is awesome…you gotta watch it,” said my cousin, Fred ‘The Head’, as he handed me a beat up DVD for the movie Pathfinder. I rolled my eyes as I held the dirty case between my thumb and forefinger, hoping that whatever was encrusted between the plastic and front cover wouldn’t pass its cheese smell onto me. “Isn’t that the name of a car or something?” I answered. Looking at the cover, I tried to hide my skepticism until my eyes were drawn to the bright orange sticker in the bottom corner advertising the price: Pre-viewed - $3.99.

“C’mon Fred,” I continued, “I could buy a pack of gum for four dollars. How good could this possibly be?”

“Seriously, it’s good,” reasoned Fred, “There’s Vikings and shit.”

I turned to the back of the case to find any saving grace to my friend’s recommendation. “No one I’ve ever heard of is even in this.”

“I told you…there’s Vikings and shit.”

With that line of reasoning, who could refuse? Pathfinder tells of the legend of the Norsemen who discovered and, by this account, terrorized the Native American tribes of North America 600 years before Christopher Columbus did. One of the Viking children is left for dead by the ruthless Norsemen and is adopted by a Native-American tribe despite deep misgivings.

-          Too many throats are sliced to count

-          Some ugly bastard gets his eye ripped out

-          Someone gets burned alive

-          And I counted about four and a half decapitations (One guy got only the top of his head sliced off so I gave him half credit.)

When all this is going on, all they do is yell out in what seems to be the same voice for every Viking. And they yell for every little thing:

Yarrghh…kill them!!!...Yarrghh!!!

Yarrghh…we must cleanse this land!!!...Yarrghh!!!

Yarrghh…I ordered the McGriddle please, not the egg McMuffin…that’s the one with the pockets of real syrup!!!...Yarrghh!!!

It’s a wonder there’s a football team to their name. That’s like cheering on the Minnesota Rapists.

That’s about it for the acting on the Viking side. They yell, or they yell louder.

Pathfinder opts for action and gore in place of acting and story. That is obvious pretty early in the movie…even before, just by looking at the front and back cover of the case. Despite this, some of the action and gore is fun to watch. Ghost is always emerging from a pile of mud or a lake of water to catch some bastard Viking by surprise. And the Vikings were such jerks that I kinda didn’t mind watching Ghost exact his revenge on them -- It was better watching him push a bunch of Vikings down a mountain than listen to them bellow their irritating war cries.

By the end of the movie it was clear that Fred’s analysis was quite accurate. Some parts were entertaining, but most of the movie consisted of one violent scene after another. Pathfinder boasted exactly what he said it did: There were plenty of Vikings and the movie was total shit.