|
 |
"My friend, can
your heart stand the shocking facts of grave
robbers from outer space?"
In some plane, I
can see why Ed Wood would turn to Criswell
for advice on the future. The man is so
insane and incoherent and yet so stern in
his predictions that he'd naturally be
deemed something of a deity or messiah to
someone as nutty and eccentric as Edward D.
Wood Jr. In fact if I could meet someone
alive or dead, I think I'd love to sit down
with Criswell and pick his brain while
munching on some acid, because I think my
head is doomed to explode from the utter
inanity and absurd circular logic this man
will inevitably spew for hours on end if
given the opportunity. For many, the most
infamous and most attractive aspect of "Plan
Nine" is Criswell, an element of a science
fiction movie so unnecessary it's astounding
to sit and watch. Criswell serves no purpose
to the overall narrative of "Plan Nine"
beyond narration, and even then there's
really no need to explain everything before
our eyes. And whose sworn testimony led to
this movie? When did this happen? How does
Criswell know about these events? Is this
his predictions for the future? But then
there really is also something of a purpose
for his on the nose guidance since deep down
Ed Wood seems to realize that his premise
and script for "Plan Nine" is without a
doubt so convoluted and utterly ridiculous
that he needed someone to sit down and
extrapolate every single moment for us so
that we can catch up to the idiotic
mastermind aliens and their plans to
re-animate the dead and use our sun as a
weapon on this planet. |
"But
one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and
somebody's responsible."
I don't
know, I've seen "Plan Nine" a dozen times and I'm still
not entirely sure what their plan for Earth was in the
first place. I remember when I was twenty my uncle urged
me to see "Plan Nine" when it premiered on cable access
here in America and after about fifteen minutes I gave
up and moved on with my life. I just didn't get it, and
my uncle was saddened that I missed out on the
opportunity to see and experience what is arguably the
worst movie ever made. I think many agree that it's
pretty cliche and otherwise irritating to deem "Plan
Nine" the worst movie ever made when there are a
plethora of movies out there that are so unfathomably
bad and impossible to sit through. For me a bad movie is
one that is impossible to sit through, one that makes
you physically and painfully ill, one that would inspire
you to grow angrier and angrier with every passing
minute. "Plan Nine" is not that movie. It's horribly
made, and terribly written, and has some of the worst
production qualities of all time, but it's also a
creative film and manages to be a damn good time since
it's something of a carnival ride. Step right up and see
the hilariously botched science fiction movie!
|
"Plan 9? Ah,
yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of
the dead. Long distance electrodes shot into
the pineal and pituitary gland of the
recently dead."
Marvel at the
horrific Bela Lugosi stand-in, feast your
eyes upon the actors obviously reading from
cue cards and their scripts, gaze in wonder
at the wondrous lack of continuity in just
about every minute in "Plan Nine"! It's all
one big rollercoaster of inept directing and
embarrassing editing and yet you can't
really call it the worst movie ever made,
not until you've seen "Manos: The Hands of
Fate" or "The Room," not by a long shot. I
can still fondly recall sitting down to
Turner Classic Movies to gaze at the Ed Wood
double feature that was "Plan Nine" and
"Bride of the Monster" and finding it
impossible not to be fascinated by Ed Wood's
absolutely hackneyed direction in what were
two really god awful movies made by a man
obviously filled with the enthusiasm of a
movie buff and storyteller. |
 |
As is
the rule of logic, just because one is a fan of
something it doesn't mean they're capable of engaging in
such a feat and Wood is obviously not a man capable of
directing a competent science fiction film no matter how
in love he is with the genre, and it shows more times
than not in "Plan Nine." Watching the movie is much like
engaging in a game that is much more fun than the actual
experience Wood provides for his audience as the
discerning viewer can pick out at least four of five
really terrible mistakes in the scenery and overall
photography whenever focusing in on Wood's opus and it
makes it all the more an event especially when shared
with friends and like minded movie goers.
"...A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"
"Yeah, either that or its counterpart."
There's
the introduction with Lugosi where he's killed almost
instantly as Wood freezes the film so blatantly that
trees swaying in the wind stop mid-breeze during the car
crash sound effects, and there's just no end in sight
when the day and night shifts occur when characters are
constantly roaming the countryside. And did we ever find
out why the husband and wife in the film lounged and
chatted outside of their house every single time we saw
them? Nonetheless, Wood is a fan boy at heart and he
includes much of his favorite stars and personalities to
indulge him in his absurd alien invasion film about
sentient aliens constantly mocking their human intruders
about their inferior intelligence while never quite
mastering the technology that can re-animate and control
the living dead, but can hilariously malfunction at the
most awkward times. You also have to enjoy how total war
breaks out in the world once the aliens begin appearing
over city scapes and farms without even causing the
slightest bit of hysteria among the populace.
|
 |
"Visits? That
would indicate visitors."
While it is true
"Plan Nine From Outer Space" is something of
a really bad movie, it's that classic movie
that is so bad it's good. Much like "Reefer
Madness," and "Santa Claus Conquers The
Martians," it's a movie so bereft of skill
and common sense that it is charming and
often times a novelty because of its sheer
lack of talent of behind it. As many know
Lugosi died before completing said film, so
Wood did what any other filmmaker has and
would do and improvised and the results on
film are rather laughable to say the least.
What makes "Plan Nine" such a marvelous
little tidbit in cult and science fiction
fandom is that its elements are much better
than the whole, and you simply can not take
this film with a stern tone because it
doesn't stand a fighting chance when
displayed for the uptight cineaste looking
for perfection. |
Wood
does achieve perfection to some degree, not in master
filmmaking, but in compiling the perfect disaster on
film for all to see, and it will stand the test of time
as a cinematic wonder, even if this wasn't his original
intent when he masterminded "Plan Nine." Much like "The
400 Blows," and "Rashomon," Ed Wood's "Plan Nine" will
live on because while it is one piece of tripe, it is
one you can watch for the fun of it and soak in what is
an unabashed demonstration in genre love that does not
translate in to a proper film.
"Perhaps, on your way home, someone will pass you in the
dark, and you will never know it... for they will be
from outer space."
Modern
audiences pretty much miss the entire point of "Plan
Nine," some of them are even going so far as to remake
it. Whether it's remade as a serious horror science
fiction film that Wood meant for it to be, or as a
loving tribute, it will not be as highly regarded as
Wood's original, because it hearkens back to a time
where cult classics were something of an accident or a
result of poor planning and hasty filmmaking. These days
with the easy accessibility of movie making equipment
and literature, filmmakers with little to no resources
are reliant on making movies that can be instant cult
classics instead of allowing them to take on their own
momentum. Wood seemed to really be anxious to create the
next big science fiction epic about zombies, aliens, and
exploding the sun and ended up with a delectable feast
of inanity and hilarity that reached for immortality and
achieved it all with the help of Criswell and his
predictions. Wood is the ultimate independent filmmaker,
the man who reached for the stars and ended up with a
hand full of weeds, and we've loved it ever since.
"My
friend, you have seen this incident, based on sworn
testimony. Can you prove that it didn't happen?!"
 |
