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A SERIES OF TWEETS FROM
THE RECENTLY RE-ANIMATED DEAD Recovered from @FleshEatr87; Dictated By Joseph Ovelito
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Despite experiencing a resurgence in
popularity akin to the kind enjoyed by any fading star who
“accidentally” releases a hot sex-tape, zombies have never had fair
treatment. In the realm of horror movie villains, they are the
nameless drones, the middle children, the pawns on the chess board
of scary cinema. Vampires get to be sex symbols, slashers get cool
back stories, and evil Leprechauns get to explore space and
America’s inner cities (Leprechaun 4: In Space and
Leprechaun in the Hood, represent). Zombies, on the other hand,
exist solely so our protagonists can spend half the movie running
away from them in terror before realizing that destroying the
head/brain isn’t very difficult when the thing that’s stalking you
moves about as quickly as an amputee wading through cement. We never
get to know what they are actually thinking… until now, that is.
With modern technology revolutionizing the way we communicate with
one another/download pornography, it seems only fair that even the
undead get a chance to play with all the new gadgets. Here’s what
might happen if a zombie was equipped with a smart phone and a
Twitter account. Enjoy…
FleshEatr87: So, I just attacked a young girl and was shocked to find out she had no brains in her skull for me to consume. Was confused, then I saw she’d been listening to Justin Bieber on her iPod. That explains that… FleshEatr87: Haha, I think I just ran into the people who used to be my parents, they were all like “oh baby we can’t kill you we’ve missed you so much.” FleshEatr87: I ate the shit out of them. They made it too damn easy for me. FleshEatr87: If any fellow zombies read this thing, seriously, go eat your old family. They just can’t find it in their hearts to kill you, it’s so pathetic. FleshEatr87: By the way, I’m an old-school, Romero zombie, so I move pretty slowly, in case you were wondering. Those super-fast ones are on steroids. FleshEatr87: Man it is effing difficult to type on these small keys when your fingers are rotting off. If any sweet zombie bitches are reading this, though, my dick did not yet rot off. Better get on that shit before it does. FleshEatr87: Yo, I’m getting the hang of this being an evil undead creature thing. Just attacked an old folks home, that was a damn all you can eat buffet. FleshEatr87: See, half the people there might as well already be zombies. They move even slower than we do and look twice as scary. Easy targets. FleshEatr87: The other half are senile and don’t know to run/wheel away from you. I was eating one dude and he kept telling me about how he was on his way to see Dimaggio play ball. FleshEatr87: Maternity wards are pretty excellent feeding grounds also, though they serve finger foods, mainly. FleshEatr87: What? Don’t judge me…I’m a damn zombie, I have literally no morals. Zero. I make Hitler looks like Santa Claus. FleshEatr87: Oh man, wouldn’t it be badass if the zombie virus affected, like, not just humans? Cuz I’m stumbling by the zoo right now… FleshEatr87: Zombie elephants. That would be the shit. Imagine, you’re just walking down the street, and a damn zombie elephant comes marching down. FleshEatr87: I mean, that’s it. Right there, you’re dead. You’d be too paralyzed with fear to do anything except stand there. FleshEatr87: So, people I want to eat: Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, Alex Trebek, Kim Kardashian, all those Jersey Shore kids… FleshEatr87: I would suspect that the Jersey Shore kids are already zombies, but honestly, they make the real zombies look smart. FleshEatr87: I am getting like, zero bars right now. Time to go attack a Verizon store… FleshEatr87: I kind of feel bad for all these people I’ve been killing. Honestly, I’m a rotting corpse who moves at the speed of a damn Prius. Destroying my brain should not be this difficult. FleshEatr87: ROB ZOMBIE. Shit, that’s it. I want to eat Rob Zombie, making him one of us. Plus, he ruined the Halloween movies for me. FleshEatr87:
Oh well, the battery is dying. I was gonna delete my
Twitter account anyway. I reveal too much information on here. Last
retirement home I passed had already been hit, someone must have
taken my suggestion. When he’s not trying to think like a zombie, columnist Joe Oliveto serves as executive editor of Evilchili.com writing hilarious and socially relevant lists and articles about entertainment and current events. He's currently our favorite comedy writer. If you liked what you read here, head on over for daily humor where he constantly tweets from the perspective of the Amish, Elmo, and many more world figures. Thanks to Joe Oliveto for celebrating Halloween with us and risking his neck recovering tweets from the walking dead.
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