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It's extremely depressing when you can
come up with a laundry list of bad movies, yet trying to find 10
good movies took me 2 hours. I came up with my worst films of the
year list in a matter of 20 minutes. The bad films just came to me
like a bad rash. The titles and bad memories just kept coming to me
non-stop. I would have liked to forget them, but I was not so lucky.
I'll celebrate some of the films from 2006 that made us groan, cry,
and question the money we just spent. Some films got left off my
list like Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, but not on purpose.
I just had to narrow the films down to the absolute worst. Enjoy!
10) The Black Dahlia
Everything looked to be in
place for this film to be a thrilling and well-acted drama with
top-notch direction by Brian De Palma. Sadly, looks can be
deceiving. Instead, we got a 2 hour snooze fest of confusion and
plot holes. This is the kind of mess only a great director could
make. You have a film featuring hot babes like Hilary Swank,
Scarlett Johansson, and Mia Kirshner, yet De Palma somehow made it
boring. That is clearly uncalled for. If anyone can explain this
film to me, I would like to hear from you.
9) Stay Alive
The funny part about Stay
Alive was that I enjoyed the first 45 minutes of it. I was
wondering why everyone was crapping on the film and hated it so
much. I thought it was harmless fun and had some nice looking girls
in it. The last hour of the movie came and I started to see why the
film had so many negative reviews. It was almost like the first 45
minutes everyone was having fun and not taking the film too
seriously and then decided to go into cartoon land. The film just
got more and more dumb and unnecessary as time went on. Everyone
just started to give performances that were so over-the-top that
they were looking down on the top. That's saying something.
8) Little Man
This is a film that was so bad that people were talking about it
for months before its release. I was at a press screening for A
Scanner Darkly and people were already buzzing about how bad it
would be. One critic used the words "apocalyptically awful" to
describe how the film would be. He was right. I would just like to
know what kind of person sees a film like Little Man. Now, I had to
see it, but why would you spend money on this film? Can you give me
an answer? What made you think the film would be worth seeing on
any level? I expect 1,000 words on my desk by Monday.
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7) Big Momma's House 2
What is most depressing about this movie is the fact
that it grossed 70 million dollars. I really wish I was
lying, but I'm not. I'm starting to think that theaters
are becoming an idiots convention. What happened to
Martin Lawrence? Last year, he had Rebound and now
this. Are things that bad? Didn't you save your cash
from the Bad Boys franchise? How about your show
Martin? I suggest you invest in a savings account. I
really can't tolerate any more films like this out of
you. Enough already!
6) The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
What an ordeal this film was to sit through. The
remake from 3 years ago at least had Jessica Biel in her
tank top and some good direction. This film was just
nasty, sick, and not a lot of fun. Now, I know you are
probably saying "Duh, Tony, that is what horror movies
are." I disagree. Horror films can be nasty, sick, and
in-your-face, but you need some sort of release. To
just punish us for 90 minutes is not fun. Do you want
to be punished for 90 minutes? If you are into BDSM, by
all means enjoy. |
5) Benchwarmers
Okay. I know what people are saying.: If you like these sort
of movies, you'll enjoy it for what it is and have fun with it.
If not, you won't like it at all, so why see it? You bring up a
valid point. I just can't stand Rob Schneider and think he
should be banned from Hollywood. An actor who has a career
batting average of zero should not be allowed to make movies.
He has not made ONE enjoyable film. NOT ONE. I'm sure he's a
nice enough guy, but his humor is the same as listening to a
bunch of 12-year-olds in gym class discovering they have a
penis. It's tiresome, tedious, and completely unnecessary.
4) Stick It
Another film that has a bevy of beauties and is a chore to
sit through. Jeff Bridges must have lost a bet to have to star
in this film. The film doesn't let anyone act or develop, it
simply relies on music video footage to tell its story. You see
people flip and flop as the latest hit song from a popular pop
band plays. The movie might amuse teen girls, but they deserve
something better. I actually had a headache after watching the
film because of all the different camera angles and tricks.
This film was just plain irritating. It's just not funny.
3)
Miami Vice
No two directors disappointed me more in 2006 than Brian De
Palma and Michael Mann. I loved Mann's Heat and Collateral, but
hated every second of
Miami Vice. You have characters who have NO character.
Their character development doesn't go past what kind of car
they drive or their facial hair. This film was a mess from
start to finish. Jamie Foxx is a good actor, but is given
little to do outside of scowling and shooting a gun. Colin
Farrell gives one of the worst performances of the entire year.
This film is dreadful. Did anyone understand it?
2) Just My Luck
What in the blue hell happened to the Lindsay Lohan of
2004? She was doing fantastic that year. She was in the
ultra-funny Mean Girls and she looked amazing! Now, in 2006,
she looks like a swamp monster and is starring in films like
this. She needs a new agent, some sleep, and a new outlook on
life. It's not too late, Lindsay. You still have time to get
your career back on track. This film is not only bad, but it
sends a horrible message to young girls everywhere.
1) Nacho Libre
I don't find Jack Black entertaining. I really don't. His
humor is the "fat guy" humor, which is cheap and predictable.
He falls down, yells, and acts like an idiot. I never liked
"the fat guy" humor in school and I sure don't like it here.
It's irritating. I'm a wrestling fan and this film is a
disgrace to wrestling fans all over the world. It's full of
boring, dumb, and uninteresting people looking bored. They must
have watched the movie they were in. I liked Jack Black in King
Kong, but when he plays that Jack Black persona, I can't handle
it. It leaves me angry and annoyed. I didn't laugh ONCE during
this film. NOT ONCE.
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