I was nowhere to be found when "Hostel" came out back in January of 2006. I was fed up with horror films. You can best describe my relationship with horror films as a love/hate relationship. Even if they suck, I keep coming back for more. It's like I'm stuck in an abusive relationship. No matter how times I get thrown down the stairs, I'll never leave them. I'll claim that I tripped and fell down the stairs. I just can't stay away from them. Because of my hatred for horror films at the time, I missed an opportunity to see "Hostel." I even passed up seeing the film on DVD when it was released in April.

Finally, I was pushed into seeing the film on DVD in June of 2006. Needless to say, I don't deal well with peer pressure. I ended up buying the film for only 10 bucks at Best Buy. (I refuse to rent films. I'll just pay the extra 5 bucks and buy the film.) I ended up enjoying the film quite a bit on DVD. I thought it was smart, well-written, intense, and a lot of fun. That being said, not everyone enjoyed the film. A lot of people said the film was just torture porn. A lot of people said the film was boring and tedious. The film scored a 59% “Rotten” rating at Rotten Tomatoes, which is pretty good for a horror film. Even so, a lot of people hated the film. Also, a lot of people can't stand Eli Roth. I can respect that. His films are not for everyone. I wasn't the biggest fan of "Cabin Fever," which is why I stayed away from "Hostel" for so long. Nonetheless, he won me over with "Hostel." Because of this, I want to make sure that I don't miss "Hostel 2" when it comes out. I'm planning ahead for June 8th. I don't want to miss this film again because bad horror films ruin it for the good horror films. With that said, I don't want to attend this film alone. Horror films are not fun by yourself. You need to have a lively audience and a good pal.

Before I sat down to write this column, I decided to seek out some of my friends and see if they would be interested in seeing "Hostel 2" with me. I stumbled upon a variety of answers. First, one of my friends said: "What's a Hostel?" He's extremely out of the loop. I also decided to ask another group of friends. They said: "I'm tired of horror films." I've been there myself, so I understand. Lastly, I asked a variety of random friends that I haven't talked to in a long time. They said: "I haven't talked to you since high school. Where have you been?" I quickly caught them up to speed. Following this, they responded with: "Horror films are for teenagers. I haven't watched a horror film since high school." Needless to say, they are fun-impaired. Is that a word? I hope so. My friends suck. What's a film critic to do in a situation like this? Well, I'm not alone in this situation. I've seen a number of film critics who have gone through this same situation. They decided to write a column and seek out potential moviegoers to see the film with them.

I figured I'd do the same and give it the old college try.

Who wants to see "Hostel 2" with a real life film critic? Before you check the "yes" box, I have a couple of rules. (A critic without a friend to the theater has rules? Yes, I have standards.) First and foremost, you must know how to have fun. I don't want to sit with a boring stiff. You need to yell, have fun, and let loose. I've sat through too many horror films with dull friends who didn't want to be there. I'm not in the mood for doing it again. You need to come with your game face on. Horror films are supposed to be fun. I love a screaming audience full of dedicated moviegoers. That's half the fun of the film. If you can't have fun at a horror film, you should cease reading this column right now. You're never too old to enjoy a good horror film. Moving on, you can't bring your boyfriend or girlfriend to the movie. I sure as hell don't want to play the third wheel. It's not fun at all. You need to leave your significant other at home. You also need to leave your thoughts about them at home. I don't want to hear about them during the movie.

You also must be over seventeen. I'm not mature enough to play babysitter for a horror film. I don't want your parents to yell at me because you're scarred for life after seeing "Hostel 2." I don't want any drama. Also, you can't be a creep or a weirdo. I don't want to hang out with anyone who looks like they were voted "Most Likely to be on "How to Catch a Predator." Lastly, I want to see "Hostel 2" very soon. I'd like to see it either on opening day or at 12:01 A.M on Thursday night. I need your full commitment for this movie. I don't want anyone backing out before the movie starts. Because of this, you have to be local. I don't want to travel two hours to see a film. Oh, it's also not a date. I'm not looking for a date with a potential girlfriend at this movie. I'm just looking to relax at a horror movie with an open-minded person. A person who is not too afraid or old to have fun. I don't want to deal with any uppity mofos. It's just a fun horror movie and shouldn't be taken seriously. If you can accept my rules, I'd love to see you on June 8th. (Sorry about the rules, but I need to look out for myself.)

You can get in contact with me a variety of ways. My personal e-mail is tonyf169@yahoo.com. Put "Hostel 2" in the subject title, so I know that you're not some spammer. You can find me on AOL AIM from time-to-time. My screen-name is BachelorCritic. You can also send smoke signals and hope that I notice them. You can also see me in the street and invite yourself. I've given you plenty of time to plan ahead for this movie. I've given you nearly a month to prepare for this movie. If all else fails, I'll view the film by myself. What happened to the days when my friends were cool and hip? I used to be able to get a group of friends to see "Final Destination" with me. Now, it's like pulling teeth trying to find a friend for a horror film. I hate when people get old and humor-impaired. It depresses me. In the end, let's see "Hostel 2" and have some fun!

I look forward to hearing from new friends, old friends, men, women, aliens, or whatever.

Editor's Note: Yes, pro-Eli Roth sentiment on our site. Hell has frozen over... and we believe in carte blanche
for our writers.