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Have you ever seen a famous performer
in a major motion picture and thought to yourself, "What the hell
were they thinking?" I know I have! The term "stick to your day job"
applies to them. Truthfully, acting is far from easy. It's a lot of
work and very, very hard, which is why certain people shouldn't even
attempt to act, because they just end up looking silly. I mean,
there's a reason I'm a film critic and interviewer. I can't act,
which is why you don't see me on the big screen. Sadly, not everyone
has common sense in Hollywood.
First of all, let's look at musicians for example. Why do they need
to act? I enjoy their music and don't need to see them acting. It
just doesn't work. Also,
athletes should never, EVER act. They should stick to throwing a
football or hitting a baseball. PLEASE.
With this week's column, I'm going to
focus on dreadful performances by mainstream athletes/musicians in
Hollywood. You should be warned that it's not a pretty sight!
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Dennis Rodman
When I first heard the title of Double Team, I thought
it was a porno film. Yes, I have a one-track mind. In
all honesty, Rodman is BORING in Double Team, which is a
shocker, because he was so entertaining on the
basketball court. He's lifeless and brutally dull in
this film. Plus, who thought putting Mickey Rourke in
this film was a good idea? I know Rourke was trying to
get his career back on track, but this film is a good
way to end your career. Stick to basketball, Mr. Worm.
Your acting stinks.
I'm sure it seemed like a
good idea at the time. I mean, Rodman is charismatic,
over-the-top, and wacky. Plus, at the time, he was on
the very, very popular Chicago Bulls. It should have
been a successful formula, right? You stick him in a
film with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Mickey Rourke, and
you expect big things, right? WRONG. Double Team is a
piece of junk from start to finish. It's loud,
unnecessary, and humor-impaired. The film was shot on a
budget of 30 million dollars and ended up only making 11
million dollars at the box office. |
Neil Diamond
Why? Why? Why? You're a legend, Neil. Why did you ever agree to act
in this film? Did the director have incriminating photos of you? Can
you PLEASE, PLEASE explain your reasons for being in this film? I'm
going to pull out an old school term to describe Neil Diamond's
appearance in this film. It's like pouring perfume on a pig. The pig
is Saving Silverman, and Neil Diamond is the perfume. At the end of
the day, the film still stinks and Neil Diamond can't act. Sorry,
Neil. I'm not even sure how to
describe this film without cringing. The film is full of gags and
situations that are beyond ridiculous. I understand it's only a
movie, but come on! The film is illegal! Saving Silverman wouldn't
even make sense on Mars! Is Neil Diamond just a really, really nice
guy? Or does he have a really good sense of humor about himself? Did
he need the money? Was he bored? No wonder I couldn't sleep after
watching this movie. Too many questions in my head!
Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan is probably one of the most popular wrestlers
of all time. He's made millions and millions of dollars
and is known all over the world. You don't have to be a
wrestling fan to know Hulk Hogan. He stands for
everything that is good and right in the world today.
Even after all these years, he's still a role model to
kids all over the world. That said, Hulk Hogan has not
made one worthwhile film. NOT ONE. He's been in a number
of stinkers.
Remember Santa with Muscles? It's number 19 on the IMDB
Bottom 100. Remember No Holds Barred? It's brutal.
Remember Mr. Nanny? Poor Hulk. The poster of the film
says it all. I could go on, but I'll save you the pain.
The problem with Hulk Hogan is that he's either too
serious in his films or not serious enough. He has a
hard time walking that fine line and getting away from
his wrestling persona. Yes, he was in Rocky 3, but it
was a cameo role. Plus, Rocky 3 wasn't the greatest film
ever made. Stick to the leg-drop, Hulk. |
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Kelly Clarkson/Justin Guarini
Yes, I know this is an easy one. It's kicking a movie that's been
kicked to death. Then again, THIS MOVIE DESERVES IT. First, I think
Kelly Clarkson is a great musician and very beautiful. That said,
she had no right being in this movie. I'm going to blame this film
on her manager instead of her. I assume she was green at the time
and didn't have enough control over her career to say "no" yet. I
mean, who would turn down a movie? I would have starred in this
movie! If you were given the chance to be in any movie, would you
turn it down? I doubt it. I'd be in any movie! It's a movie, by god!
Yes, I lied. I WOULD be in a movie. Who wouldn't?
Is Justin Guarini still alive? I guess
I'm completely out of the loop, because I haven't seen him in ages.
Is he on TV? Is he still in the music business? Justin Guarini has a
million dollar body and a ten cent brain. Wait. According to IMDB,
here's what he's up to: "Hired by TVG as host and red carpet
correspondent for Idol Tonight, Idol Chat and other programming."
Oh, no wonder I haven't seen him.
Courtney Love
Ah, yes. It's question time again. Why in the hell was Courtney Love
in the same film as Charlize Theron, Kevin Bacon, and Dakota
Fanning. It just doesn't mesh or make any sense. Why did the casting
director think it would be a good idea? When she tries to be serious
in the film, it's just laughable. We don't buy it at all. She also
makes some very weird facial expressions. It's hard to look at the
woman without laughing. It's weird, because she really does give it
her all in this film. Yet, it's not enough. She's trying too hard to
be emotional and deep.
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