2005
Rated: R for adult language, graphic violence, and sexual content.
Genre: Horror Thriller Action Adventure
Directed By: Steven R. Monroe
Running Time: 1:28
Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.
Review Date: 4/29/06
DVD Features:
Featurette: Blood On The Pines
Audio Commentary with Director Steven R. Monroe and Star Cerina Vincent
Theatrical Trailers
IT WAITS

 

If you can believe Cerina Vincent is a park ranger, then the writers have won half the battle. Vincent plays the busty park ranger Danielle ala Russ Meyer, who is a whiney emo alcoholic mourning the loss of her friend, and seems like a well enough heroine forced to fight off a monster. Sure, she’s about as far-fetched as a park ranger as Denise Richards was a rocket scientist, but in the end I was willing to ignore the lapses in logic, and power on through. Vincent is a lot like Kari Wuhrer. Sure, they’re not great actresses, and they won’t even ever break in to the big time, but horror is where they belong. In the genre they get to flaunt their bodies, do very little acting, and gain notoriety by horny fan boys. Busty bitch fights monster in forest with her pet parrot. That’s the best way I can describe “It Waits” in one sentence.

Director Monroe flaunts every single chance to show Vincent near nude to compensate for her lack of range and acting ability, and that’s just fine. Vincent is likable enough and a decent enough actress to warrant the weak one-liners so men can glance at her milk bags. Regardless of Vincent, “It Waits” is a pretty good action horror film comprised of really good direction ala Monroe who knows how to draw tension and mount it inch by inch. I actually found myself impressed by much of the camera work here and was surprised a DTV film could look so crisp and bright. Also featured are rather solid performances from Vincent who is half and half in the acting. At times she really knows how to make her character likable and bring the audience to her side. Not to mention the monster design is very convincing, and the final revealing of the monster's form is a well enough pay off. “It Waits” is a fun and solid monster romp.

We wait… and we wait… and we wait… and nothing. Heroine and hero talk, heroine and hero flirt, heroine reveals her sordid past. Heroine talks to her parrot. Heroine flexes her chesticles, and boinks hero. Hero is a martyr, heroine cries. And we wait… the creature kills two hikers. And we wait… Heroine learns about the monster. Heroine discovers the origin of the monster. Heroine explores the monster’s home, Heroine waits. Heroine sets a trap. The Heroine asks her parrot to signal her when the monster comes. The parrot becomes a sidekick. And we wait for the monster. And the monster barely ever appears at all. All this time, we’re waiting for something good to happen, but in its short running time, we go a whole forty-five minutes without the monster even showing its form. And we wait. What in god’s name did Danielle’s story about the crash have anything to do with the actual plot? And, knowing there’s a powerful flesh-eating monster on the loose, why does she sit outside in plain view mourning her hunky boyfriend?

Regardless, Monroe’s film is too reliant on a story that sounds more interesting than it really is. Most of the dialogue before the pivotal monster confrontation involves the two characters talking almost non-stop and most of the weak dialogue is centered on cheesy foreshadowing. During one scene the character Justin declares: “It’s like nothing bad can happen out here”. “It Waits” suffers, though, from really weak character emphases that I cared nothing about, including Danielle’s story and incessant moaning about a car crash months before. And we focus too much on the romance between Danielle and Justin with an attempted emotional gauge that never works. “It Waits” also has the distinction of being graced with one of the most annoying horror characters, a blue bird that literally aides in the death of the monster. I really wanted it to die first, but sadly, the death never came.

Though it’s not the worst DTV movie I’ve ever seen, and while it does have the occasional moment, it’s still rather weak. “It Waits” is a movie filled with okay’s. An okay actress gives an okay performance with an okay male lead involving an okay plot, an okay monster, and an okay final product. And now I wait for Cerina Vincent to call me… it’s going to be a while, folks.

 

 

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