Query: Have you ever been in a party, or—any public place that’s slightly social, and you’re drifting along the crowds trying to find a place to stand, and suddenly someone stops you. Perhaps it’s a slight acquaintance or just a stranger who wants to make friends and they begin talking to you. And about halfway through you realize you’re no longer trying to be friendly, you’re just trying to humor them. Because, this person is a fast talking nonsense spewing bull shitter. They talk and talk and say nothing, and eventually their voice just drowns out with their mouth moving non-stop to silence, your face is paved with a smile, and you’re pretending to listen to them but really you’re thinking “How do I get out of this?” Well, that’s what watching “London” is like. The best way to describe "London" would be as "Annie Hall," if conceived by a criminally insane Meth addict.

The people in “London” all talk like Quentin Tarantino on a speed high with the fast forward button. And you can’t stop unless you actually fast forward through this crap. Somehow I simply didn’t because I wanted to see where this car wreck would go, and… well, the chicks are great. This is one of many movies in a line of a forming sub-genre about pretty people with miniscule problems. Hell, these characters annoy the shit out of each other, so imagine how grueling this film is on audiences. Characters scream at the top of their lungs, spout nonsensical quasi-philosophical gibberish and harp on some of the most inane anecdotes all for the seeming purpose to fill some sort of dialogue quota for the film. “London” accomplishes nothing in terms of characterization and compelling situations. It’s a shrill and awful film filled with terrible performances with a story I couldn’t muster a shred of empathy or interest for.

When a film fails to make Jason Statham entertaining, that's a true accomplishment. "London" is a vile, excruciating drama and a story that fails in mustering a compelling motivation for watching, all the while expecting us to fall for despicable characters.

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