5. Das Boot
Whether it’s the
enthralling scene of the men being inspected buck naked for pubic
lice, the constant phallic up and down of the sub, or the fact that
the movie takes forever to get nowhere, this movie is one of my most
reviled experiences. I tried to watch it no less than four times
before becoming so frustrated with its banality that I returned it
the day I rented it so as not to be in the same room as its
crapiness.
4.
Dogville
This is
a nice one. I just reviewed it, actually. A four hour film about how all
poor people in small towns will turn to evil, and then deserve what they
get when the mafia machine guns their babies and sets the town on fire.
To boot, there’s a lot of nasty rape, a cliché theater device that
doesn’t work well, and an ending montage that’s so out of place I still
don’t get.
3.
Batman and Robin
The
governator, in blue make-up, screaming, “GET THE HEROES” He also advises
his associates to put them on ice. Bane, one of Batman’s most complex
villains, is turned into the nuclear man. Cod pieces. Good God, cod
pieces. And a Batgirl that not only looks and acts illiterate, but makes
Alfred cute. Kill me if I ever watch it again.
2.
Chicago
As if
there isn’t enough male hate in this world, let’s make a musical that
glorifies the fact that not only is it okay to kill a man if he cheats
on you, but after you do, the way to get off the charge is to become as
cute and adored by everyone as you can, ergo becoming an attention
whore. Mr. Cellophane is a great song, but not because it’s elegant, but
because it points out the critical errors of the mains. Did I also
mention that this story has a song that makes it seem sexy when lawyers
dance around the truth? How can I identify with any of these worthless
goons?
1.
Buffalo 66
This movie made me want
to vomit, it sucked so hard. The first half is Christina Ricci meeting a
criminal and the quest for her to get to the bathroom, the rest of the story
is how it’s okay to love someone who’s a complete and utter dick. The
director, when you listen to him speak, is like swallowing glass, if you
ever hear him in public. The arrogant artist in repose, if you will. Watch
out for this one. |
