2008
Rated: Unrated
Genre: Mock Documentary Thriller Horror
Directed By: Eric Forsberg
Running Time:
Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.
Review Date: 1/21/08
Special Features:
Behind the Scenes
Trailers
MONSTER

 

I laughed, I cried, I think I even held a razor to my wrist at one point. That would best describe the excruciating, harrowing, and incredibly tedious experience that was “Monster,” The Asylum’s cheap ass wannabe of “Cloverfield.” And coming down from my high, “Monster” was like a vicious detox filled with vomiting, retching, and cold sweats, and I’ll tell you, it was a brutal carbon copy. Watching it after “Cloverfield,” this piece of crap just didn’t compare; hell it didn’t even compare to the teaser trailer of “Cloverfield.” If “Cloverfield” never existed, this still would be an incredibly awful movie. Want to know the plot to “Monster”? Well, there are two whole shots of rubber tentacles that pass as a monster, there’s a lot of darkness, and of course there are two bitches whining in front of a camera with nothing happening the entire time except the distinct plummeting of brain cells into the black hole that is Asylum Studios. There, I saved you ninety minutes, now run! The Asylum sometimes names their films after an up and coming film and the similarities end there, but “Monster” is such an offensively stupid rip off of JJ Abrams film that is frighteningly close to how “Cloverfield” begins.

Except now director Eric Forsberg sets his sights down on two shrill shrews who are filming a documentary about global warming, and document every single moment of their trip, from the conversation about eyes in their house to their partying in Tokyo. How this factors into the actual documentary, who the hell knows? But every inch of atmosphere, tension, and foreboding dread is nowhere to be found and is pretty much left with better films. Where as “Cloverfield” attempted to bring us in to an experience,  

“Monster” constantly reminds us that it’s a movie and that we’re basically sitting through a low budget horror film, and I could never really decipher what Forsberg wanted from this movie, in the end. Asylum rips scenes from the first trailer and inserts it into the first half hour of the film, inserts the Asian references from the internet viral marketing and basically just throws in whatever shit they feel would warrant tension, and this amounts to nothing more than a limp wristed wannabe that’s so insanely vain in its attempts to amount to what “Cloverfield” offers. So what Asylum does, since it lacks the budget of any kind to shoot an epic monster movie, opts for just ninety minutes of two women in a basement babbling, whining, and moaning as sounds play in the distance of monster roars and explosions.

Most importantly, they never even show this monster that’s attacking Tokyo; for all we know it’s a massive Earthquake of some sort. What are these tentacles from? Where are they coming from? Are they apart of a monster? Or perhaps a giant squid? Who knows? They sure as hell don't. And you have to laugh when one of the women look down at a sound floor and scream, “There’s something underneath the ground!” It’s a scene on par with community theater; worse is that the two actresses are so incredibly unconvincing as journalists regardless of how many Clinton hand gestures they force on us. From practicing interviews to interviewing a Tokyo official, they look like Spring breakers playing journalists for fun, and they often seemed very bored with the dialogue. But then, who can blame them? It’s an empty exercise discussing this movie any further. It’s awful, it’s just… it’s awful.

Watching “Cloverfield” was like a rollercoaster ride on uppers. “Monster” was a stomp in the nuts with wooden clogs. The only thing that kept me from curling up in the fetal position and crying was knowing that the film I’d seen prior to this would be available for my purchase in months time. Damn you, Asylum. Damn you all to hell. Too much?

 

 

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