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5.
EVIL KERRIGAN
(Starcraft)
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Hell hath no fury like a
woman scorned, and if you play Starcraft, you know that
the best part of the whole thing is when Kerrigan comes
back as the Brood Queen. Ultimately, the Brood WIN
Starcraft, mostly because Kerrigan infests them with
such a bloodlust in her quest for revenge (or maybe it’s
just a menstrual fury) that they overtake the entire
universe. One swat
from her avatar and your ass is grass. That’s badass. |
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5.
BIFF
(The Back to the Future
Series...)
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Biff is the underdog of
the list, because really, he doesn’t seem like much
of a badass. He fails miserably, and always gets the
short end of the stick in all of the Back to the
Future movies. He ends up covered in crap numerous
times, and loses his car, his position of power over
the McFly family, and heck, even his DeLorean.
But all major sci-fi bad
asses usually end up losing, so that doesn’t matter.
Let’s look at the pros.
Biff followed Marty
through four different timelines and one alternate
timeline. He banged Marty’s mom, he took over a
city, he even shot guys in the back over a matter of
eighty dollars. That’s pretty bad ass.
Mofo would hit you on
the head with his cane if you talked back to him. He
had a flying skateboard. He always got some on the
first date and damn it, you could beat him, but you
always know he’s gonna show up again somewhere.
I’m surprised he wasn’t
a Libyan. |
4.
T-X
(Terminator 3: Rise of
the Machines)
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She’s made of liquid
metal and she can turn her arms into weapons. If you
get within ten feet of her, you’re dead. She’s much
better at her job than even Arnold Schwarzenegger
was as the Terminator, and you really can’t stop
her, you
can only nuke her. And even that’s cheating.
But the main reason she gets a mention is because
she has the most badass feature any chick sci-fi
wonder can have.
When she needs to get
the job done, her boobs can go from athletic to
double D. Booya! |
4.
SKELETOR
(He-Man and the
Masters of the Universe)
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Skeletor loses a lot
too, but then, who holds his own with He-Man? Just
looking at the size of his posse tells you what a
formidable opponent you have in Skeletor. Stinkor.
Mer-Man. Beast-Man. Man-E-Faces even changed sides
once to work with the man. Whiplash. The Evil Horde
even cowered before him a few times. Mod-U-Lok.
Two-Bad. Tri-Clops. The list goes on and on. It
seems like every week some dude would be begging to
work with Skeletor just for a half hour.
He has a skull for a
face. Dude has a SKULL for a FACE. Beat that,
Shinzon, you candy ass!
He lives in a giant
snake, bangs Evil-Lyn, and his enemy is the
pseudo-Aryan ideal. You almost sympathize for the
guy. He has a
Ram staff that can only be used for invoking the
darkest of satanic magic, and he was imprisoned
behind a
wall and not dealt with for decades because people
just didn’t know what to do with him. You can’t kill
the guy. In the
movie he came to Earth and owned with minor, crappy
lackeys. He even changed color and declared himself
a god. If you
saw Skeletor in a back alley, you’d wet your pants,
and that’d all be a part of Skeletor’s plan to
defeat He-Man.
Face it. |
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3.
PRINCESS
LEIA ORGANA -SOLO
(Star Wars)
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Oh, Leia.
Who didn’t love Leia
growing up?
Liar. Bun hair,
long white gowns, slave outfits. She’s a bit of a
back talker, but when it comes down to it, I’ll take
that if it means I can talk smack to some dude and
then she’ll kick his ass for me.
She spearheaded the
rebellion, risked life and limb numerous times,
endured torture from her own father, and had the
cojonès to kiss her brother despite it being wrong
because she thought he was hot. She’ll do what she
wants, damnit!
She’s gonna be a Jedi, she was the leader of the New
Republic, and even though she’s going on 50 she’s
still running around kicking Yuuzhan Vong ass.
Go Leia. |
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3.
AGENT
SMITH
(The Matrix Series)
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Run! RUN! You idiot!
That’s what everyone
says when they see Smith, and even so, it doesn’t
help. Smith comes up on you like liquid eight track
and plays Steely Dan on your head with his fists.
You slump in the chair, game over, owned. Dude beat
the Oracle. How
do you beat someone who knows you’re coming if
you’re not the biggest badass of badasses? Plot
hole, you say? Smith will assimilate your plot hole.
Neo ate Smith from the
inside out and exploded his ass all over the green
hallway. Did that phase Smith? Nope. He was right
back, next movie, and in the hundreds. He didn’t
care if he got his ass kicked. The Smith solution is
to simply make another ass, and that’s an
unbeatable, badass at that.
He only died because he
was so good he beat every mofo on the planet
including the chosen one. I think he died not
because he ingested Neo, but because he was
horrified no one could step it up to play at his
level. |
2.
TRINITY
(The Matrix Series)
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Trinity is so
flexible, she can whip kick you from the front when
you’re standing behind her. Imagine that in bed.
She rides a motorcycle
and never dresses in anything but leather. She’ll
hit you with her hand, her helmet, she’ll bust up
your arm and dangle in the air taunting you for a
few seconds before kicking your pansy ass across the
room. She won’t
date just anyone. She dates the One,
and if you don’t like it, eat foot.
The only way she could
die was if the entire machine city turned against
her, and even then she had time to say goodbye with
a tentacle sticking out of eight of her ribs.
The One chose her over
Persephone, and with Persephone’s body, you know
that mean’s she’s insane in bed. We’re talking
goats, Norwegians, big white rooms and that armchair
that Morpheus used to sit in turned
upside down and dangling from whips and chains.
That’s badass. |
2.
DARTH
VADER
(Star Wars)
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I used to play a game
when I was a kid. Figure out something that could
beat a dark Jedi with a mad-on. The only possible
thing that can defeat a dark Jedi with a mad-on is a
borg dark Jedi with a mad-on, and that borg dark
Jedi still could not beat Vader. Vader
would force choke his adaptation then eat his soul.
There’s nothing scarier
than a dude with a Nazi helmet painted black, the
ability to read your mind, and a giant red sword
that can cut through anything. He usually operates
in the dark, he tried to kill his own son, and he is
essentially the Himmler for an SS that took over an
entire galaxy and committed broad-scale religious
genocide. He’s
got buttons on his chest, and you don’t even need to
know what they do, they’re just scary. One of those
could unleash, I don’t know, a nuke, an AT-AT. What
do those buttons do? Run!
The guy tortured his own
daughter. He cut his son’s hand off. The only time
he ever lost was to Dooku, and when that happened,
he found him and cut off his head. Well, that and
when he let his son loose, and that’s
only so he could have the fly Force women and become
one with Yoda so he could kick his muppety ass for
being condescending when he was a kid. Right after
that scene at the end of "Return of the Jedi" he
kicked both Obi-Wan and Yoda’s ass and then sat
waiting for his son and daughter.
He’s your father, and he
will tear you up. |
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1.
THE BORG QUEEN
(Star Trek)
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Say what you will about this being a cheat, as the
borg have no identity, but I say, in order to combat
the humans, they created the biggest bitch in the
universe. She’s
so badass, she seduced a robot. A
robot. The woman made Data, a synthetic life form,
tremble and consider betraying the
captain he was programmed to protect.
She also chose the form
of Alice Krige, which, as most know, is the form of
an actress who played the girlfriend of Charles
Bukowski in Barfly. You have to be tough to date
Chuck. She’s
the only major Trek villain aside from Q to annoy
more than one crew, and she’s the one responsible
for something so condemnable, so horrible, so
agonizing that it makes me cry crocodile tears to
this day: The improbably early return of Voyager,
which she probably only allowed so that she could
later kick their asses in a more spectacular
fashion. |
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1.
EMPEROR
PALPATINE
(Star Wars)
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I can hear the
whining already. But...Vader killed
Palpatine. Why doesn’t Vader go first?
Two reasons.
One, because Palpatine
was a badass who didn’t have to be a badass. He
could kill you without touching you. Arch his
eyebrows, and Vader would put his foot up your ass
so hard it wouldn’t stop hurting until Alderaan
rained donuts. He could do anything he wanted, and
he would seem like he didn’t want to do it, but in
reality, he was getting exactly what he needed.
Dude owned Yoda. Owned.
Mace. Owned three Jedi in under ten seconds. Owned
Vader with lies. Owned Maul from age one. Owned the
galaxy. Owned the senate. Owned the color black.
He didn’t kill as many
as Vader, but he certainly killed who he did with
much more style. And plus, no one ever really knew
it was him beyond the rebellion. He’s almost as
slick as an American president.
Two, Palpatine didn’t
die. If you
read the comics, Palpatine has an infinite stock of
clones and can come back any time his essence is
feeling badass enough to do so. One day, he’ll take
over the Skywalker bloodline and tear the galaxy up
again. Seriously.
POWER!
UNLIIIIIIIMITEEEEEED POWER!
And that’s just what the
mofo got. |
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