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Ahh Hack Movies,
the bastion of the politically incorrect, offensive, disgusting,
low-budget horror and gore comedies we have all come to know and love.
For a few years now, I've been checking out the latest Hack Movies
whenever possible, knowing that when I do, I will get a good dose of
nasty, offensive humor with my horror. Ever since the no-budget "Dream
Reaper" hit the scene, Hack Movies have been quietly making a name for
themselves in the indie horror circles by making it their point to
offend everyone while making movies that I couldn't help but love
because how much fun they were having was obvious in every frame. With
every film, the special effects, the stories, and the acting get
better. Anyone picking up "Stiff Jobs" and watching it blind now isn't
going to get the whole picture, since this is the fourth feature length
offering from Hack Movies to date, so allow me to guide you through this
sick little romp of a movie. As a longtime fan of the movies, I feel
qualified and honored to take on the task. When this movie opens, we're
introduced to two hit men who are infamous in their town for dispatching
the toughest criminals. The hit men are named Windgate and Wolfram (his
name is "Wolfram Hart..." ha ha ha ha ha...why are you looking at me
like that? You don't get it? Then why are you watching this movie in
the first place? Pssshh, you call yourself a horror nerd...)
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Anyway, the
hit men duties this day include killing a guy who dresses as
an old woman so he can prey on old women, which is the
opening scene, and the central focus of the movie, which
sends our anti-heroes on the trail of a pedophile. As you
can imagine, this plot allows for the Hack Movies crew to
include at least one scene that will anger, offend, and
disgust pretty much every human being in the known
universe. Does anyone remember the "disclaimer" that used
to air before the newer episodes of the show "Beavis and
Butthead"? "Some of the things they do could cause a person
to get hurt, expelled...possibly deported." That warning
seems fitting here. |
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So what's so offensive?
Well, while our two protagonists are hanging out together on this
fateful day, we're treated to a series of flashbacks from Wolfram's
life, one of which details how he met his current girlfriend (she was a
five dollar hooker in Mexico who shit all over him while they were
having anal sex, and when he killed all of her pimps, she ended up being
so impressed with his manliness that they've been together ever since).
We also meet wolfram's uncle, who regales an eight year old Wolfram with
tales of incest and the lifelong quest for the elusive perfect blowjob.
In a later flashback, we get to see this same uncle beset by a group of
bums who are trying to make their big break into porn by being the first
to film a "quadruple cumshot," so when Wolfram's uncle stumbles upon
their gathering, they bend him over a table, have sex with him, and then
cum all over his head until it's covered with semen. Ew. Ew? That's
the point!
As the movie continues, and the bodies begin to pile up in the backseat
of Wolfram's car, and the offensive scenes ticked by, I found a lot to
enjoy in the proceedings. The gore isn't half bad this time around.
Like I've said before, I've been watching Hack Movies from the
beginning, and this is the first time I can actually say that I've seen
worse special effects in bigger-budgeted movies. When wolfram shoots
people in the head here (which he does a lot...he's a violent little
guy) some of the deaths actually look pretty real, and the spray of
blood that accompanies each head wound is pretty cool looking. This is
a far cry from the crushed watermelon that served as a crushed head in
the infamous ninja killing scene from "Dream Reaper." Of course, no
Hack Movie would be complete without some kind of supernatural mojo
going down, so when Wolfram is unlucky enough to kill a bum who puts a
voodoo curse on him, the ensuing horror hijinks bring a smile to my face
and a surge of vomit to my body. God bless America and Hack Movies.
I like to think
that I'm a seasoned veteran of Hack Movies by now, and even I was
pretty disgusted at some of the scenes in this movie. Seriously,
they're gnarly and nasty, with fecal matter dripping from just about
every frame. Viewer beware, this isn't your sanitized Hollywood horror
romp, and it's not like the trend toward current "horror comedies;" when
I say this movie is offensive, I actually mean it. If you haven't seen
a Hack Movie before, you ain't seen nothing like this. This movie would
corner the "Scary Movie" franchise in a back alley, beat it within an
inch of its life, anally rape it, and leave it bleeding in a gutter
after taking a big shit on its face. Yeah, it's THAT kind of movie. If
low-budget effects, over the top acting, disgusting sexual content, and
spraying shit turn you off, get the fuck out of our sandbox and let us
degenerate horror freaks have our fun.
There's nothing
like a sick, twisted, disgusting horror comedy that truly offends every
fiber of my being to bring a smile to my face and brighten my day. Keep
'em coming, guys.
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