This movie has a singular, straightforward premise.  A toothed vagina, and all the wacky adventures that this premise can have. Meet Dawn (Jess Weixler, in her first big-screen appearance), a virgin - by choice - who travels with an abstinence entourage traveling from high school to high school extolling the Joys of Non-Sex.  She is ridiculed by her sexually-active schoolmates, but in her virginal ignorance, their taunts fall on blissfully deaf ears. Everything is hunky-dory, with Dawn preaching her virginal platitudes, until - Enter Tobey (Hale Appleman, who surprisingly has a smaller resume than Jess), a like-minded virgin traveling with the Virgin Tour.  But, somewhere along the path to virginal bliss, sparks start to fly between Dawn and Tobey, and they start dating.  During their Virgin Tour, they both pledged Purity Until Marriage, but when the sparks flew, the hormones raged, and all resolve was broken.  When they finally decide to “do the deed,” Tobey is gung-ho, but Dawn backs off at the last minute.

TEETH is a movie less about sex and more about rape.  Male rape.  For rape is not a crime of sex; rather it is a crime of violence.  With rape, it is not the penetration and/or the ejaculation, but the scarring of a person’s psyche and the taking away of something sacred.  With a women, it is their innocence.  With a man, it’s their penis (guys are more straightforward).  Dawn went through the stages of “Death” during her descent she is forced to take:  She Denies that she is responsible for Tobey’s dismemberment, she Rages against this thing inside of her (the gynecologist called it te mythical Vagina Dentata or “Toothed Vagina), she tries to Control it with the “Empathic” friend, she goes through a Depression, and finally she finally Accepts her condition as she confronts her horny step-brother and an expecting trucker, who does not expect what his willing hitchhiker has in mind.  Dawn now has the power that most women want at one time or another - that is to control their sexual situation and make the man the victim.

The storyline holds no surprises; the plot has only one direction to go and it “stays the course” all the way to the very end, except that for a movie about a hungry cooter, there is surprisingly no real sex, and nearly no nudity,  It’s “R” rating is due mainly to the genital violence and drug use.  Jess Weixler won the Sundance Film Festival Award for her Dramatic, “Juicy and Jaw-Dropping performance” and the Gérardmer Film Festival Award went to director Mitchell Lichtenstein.  The movie is at best a one-trick pony with a single joke.

It is essentially a teen “80’s” type comedy along the lines of TEEN WOLF and TEEN WITCH and TEEN (you fill in the blanks) gussied up to pass itself off as a film, but even if you put a gown on a pig, it’s still a pig.