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Here's where things get
weird. We've returned. And I'm really trying to make
this a weekly adventure. We'll see how that goes. We
really will.
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When I
started Raging at Batman, the initial run,
it involved 2 heavy hitters. One was Batman
and one was Spider-man. And since I started
this run with Batman, I figure I may as well
continue forward with Spider-man. Broad
strokes, people, broad strokes. I was wrong.
I was very wrong, in a million ways was I
wrong, when I complained about Brand New
Day. I thought it was going to suck hard,
and I thought it was going to be a joke and
I thought it was going to talk down to us as
fans.
I was wrong. And
I might be a proud man, but I will be
honest. I was really really wrong. I love
Amazing Spider-man. I love it so much that
it’s the only monthly comic from the big 2
that I buy that costs 3.99. We’ll talk about
3.99 comics next time. |
But ever since Amazing
Spider-man 600 came out, with a fantastic lead story by
Dan Slott and John Romita JR, two amazing talents that
deserve every accolade thrown at them, I’ve been hooked.
48 issues later, and I’m still hooked. I love the run,
in spite of some major flaws, I’ve loved damn near every
moment of it. I loved Waid’s run and I loved how he
changed Peter and made him the lovable loser he once
was. I loved Slott’s work and I really love what they
did with Doc Ock. I really really loved the Shed
story-arc with the return of the Lizard and how awful
and terrible he truly is. Zeb Wells and Chris Bachalo
killed on that one.
Basically, I love Amazing
Spider-man and my Spidey fix is matched damn near weekly
every month and it’s a blazing excitement. I haven’t yet
read 648, but 647, the last issue by the Web-heads, was
outstanding. It was a truly clever way to tie the whole
arc together and finalize a lot of story-arcs, but it
didn’t matter, because it was enjoyable. Granted, there
was one giant slap in the face storyline, the One Moment
in Time story, but even that had some killer artwork by
Paolo Rivera. It didn’t hurt the story that his art was
amazing, and yes, the story sucked really ridiculously
hard, but it’s over.
As a fan of Spider-man, I’m
moving on. I can rage about the book if it starts to
suck again, but right now, it’s one of the better things
Marvel is putting out. Now, because Spider-man is all
over the place, let’s move into the Spider-man Shattered
Dimensions game for the second part of my lovefest of
Spider-man (this shouldn’t be called Raging this week
but Lusting/Loving or something. We’ll get to the anger,
don’t worry at all).
| Shattered
Dimensions has the value of what is missing
from a lot of things these days:
playability. Yes, it feels a lot like Arkham
Asylum. But how in the world can that be a
bad thing? When you mimic the best
comic-based video game in years, you’re on
the right path. And they did. Playing as
Amazing Spider-man (voiced by NPH), Spidey
2099 (voiced by Alan Alda-alike from the
Spidey and his Amazing Friends), Spider-man
Noir (voiced by the lovely voice actor from
Spider-man the Animated Series from the
early 90s), and Ultimate Spider-man (voiced
by the awesome Spectacular Spidey voice
actor), this is outstanding. On all levels,
this game really follows through.
Great villains.
Great missions. No need to make it open
ended because those games sucked really
badly when all you did was stop
purse-snatchers and assholes and bank
robberies. |
Editor's Note: Spider-Man Noir is the
coolest. |
This game delivers on a
number of levels that a majority of video games these
days don’t. Great graphics, great music, and great
everything, especially the unlockables, this game has
everything.
Now the Rage! The true anger
and rage!
First, Spider-man the
Musical. Turn off the Dark. Or whatever the hell they’re
calling it this week/month. The play that may never be
seen by human eyes and may never be heard by human ears.
No worries there, because for all intents and purposes,
this could just be the most awful piece of crap this
side of the film remake. The fact that this is the first
place we might see Carnage pisses me off. The ridiculous
costumes for the Green Goblin and the new villain Swiss
Miss or whatever the hell they’re calling her are just
making me see red.
|
Carnage may be a vicious cold blooded
murderer,
but his vocals are angelic. |
I mean, how
the hell can CARNAGE be on stage? The
greatest mass murderer Spidey has ever faced
and he’s going to be on stage, on Broadway?
Singing and dancing and all the other shit,
and you’ve got a killer monster running
around after you? Bullshit. I call monster
bullshit on this one. I really hate this.
Green Goblin has become my least favorite
Spider-man character (including Paste-Pot
Pete and Venom) because he’s just ALL over
the damn place. You don’t have to worry
about him in the new movie thank god, but
after three damn movies with Green Goblin
either in them or a shadow falling over the
others in the film, why is he necessary on
Broadway?
And where the
hell is Venom? Is he in this thing too? Him,
Carnage, Swiss Miss or Iron Maiden or
whatever, Green Goblin and god knows who
else, it’s everything and the kitchen sink
with this play. And we all know how well
that worked for Spider-man 3. I guess the
only good thing about this is it might be
more emo than that giant waste of time. I
will stress might here. |
And finally: Spider-man: The
Live Action Remake! Where the hell do I begin with this?
Honestly, I don’t know.
I’m okay with Marc Webb as
the director. 500 Days of Summer is a good movie. I will
say that. I will say that the voice of it was great and
the filming was great and whatever. He’s young and
talented but he’s unheard of and he’s untapped and he
might bomb this movie like other unknown directors have
previously. This might be Alien3 for him. Or Benjamin
Button even.
And those are both bad
things.
Beyond him, I felt like
maybe there could be great strides made for this film. I
felt like starting over was a stupid idea, a
ridiculously stupid idea. It’d be like making a new
Superman movie and retelling the origin, again. Oh,
wait. Bad example. It’d be like making Green Lantern’s
costume all CGI. Hmm. Bad example again. So restarting
Spider-man, the Ultimate version. I could live with it.
Have him be a high schooler and have him be played by
someone young.
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We all had our
picks in our heads. Mine was Dan Byrd, the
son from Cougar Town and I’m pretty sure he
even co-starred with Emma Stone in Easy A.
Great idea right? He’s nerdy, he’s dorky,
he’s built like Peter Parker. He’s even
right around the right age.
If you want to
go older, go Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and just
run with it. He looks young, he can act
young, and he was great in 500 Days of
Summer and great in Inception. He’s too old
to play Spidey they said as they are
planning to go young with the role because
he’ll be a high schooler. Actors came out of
the woodwork. The kid from Journey to the
Center of the Earth 3D. Billy Elliot (the
actor who played him). And countless others
that are too numerous to even get close to
naming. |
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And who did they hire? A 27
year old British guy. Hmm.
He looks Peter Parker like,
but he’s 27. He’s old. He might be able to play young,
but he’s an unknown entity just like the director. So
he’s not really someone I’m rallying behind. Will I see
the movie? Possibly.
So strike one. Maybe strike
two. Two things going for it: Martin Sheen and Denis
Leary.
I’m excited for these two. I
really am. Uncle Ben and Captain Stacy, two men who help
Peter become a man and then die in the process, played
by two amazing actors. Too bad Aunt May might get played
by Sally Field which is a terrible idea beyond all
terrible ideas.
I like Emma Stone, but
really liked her for MJ. Gwen? Wait and see. Rhys Ifans
as Curt Connors/Lizard? No. No way in hell. Possibly not
JK Simmons as JJJ? NO! No goddamn way in hell.
And the budget? A joke. 80
million for a Spider-man movie involving an all-CGI
villain? For god’s sakes, someone go and slap Sony in
the face and remind them that maybe the worst thing in
the world wouldn’t be losing the rights of Spidey to
Disney. Maybe the worst thing in the world is making
this movie and making complete asses out of themselves.
Am I prepared to rescind
these comments? Yes. But I’m terrified that this movie
is going to suck so bad that I won’t have to. I hope I’m
wrong about this and the play, but I’m doubting it.
And that’s how I will rage.
D'oh...? |
