"I have a Monkee flying in tomorrow! A Monkee!"

For the five of you out there who actually care (I pity you), "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" is one of the more notable schlock monster movies to come out of the gates mainly because it's the first (and likely only) time eighties has beens Tiffany and Deborah Gibson are on-screen. And they're enemies! Gibson is a hot rebellious animal lover and activist named Nikki, while Tiffany is a hot gun totting park ranger named Terry, both of whom are on the opposite sides of the law. I know, I know, this is better than Pacino and DeNiro in "Heat," but the problem is it's really not a big deal. Now that both women are old enough to be your mom (or your mom's hot friend, in Debbie Gibson's case) and are no longer jail bait, "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" is really just riding on two women that America stopped caring about so many years ago. But hey, even eighties pop stars need to eat, right? Both women clash as two giant animals emerge from the wilderness, one is breeding among its own kind and reducing the gator population, the other sounds so much like a sports drink, I'd be pretty sad if I relied on Gatorade jokes to get through this review. I'm above that.

When we finally do get to the massive cat fight, they're caught rumbling without anyone to interfere and they end up so far down a river smacking and clawing at one another (in an obviously bad editing job) they can't even hear rapid gunfire and victims screaming as mega python's emerge to feast on party guests. After Terry's husband (who we meet for a total of three short scenes) is brutally maimed by mega pythons, she sets out to find a way to cease the growth of the pythons. Can you sense the dramatic tension? All the while Nikki is insistent the pythons must be left alone, in spite of the fact they're growing large enough to outweigh trucks. She even has the gall to show up at a crime scene where she taunts Terry. The nerve! While yes the giant animals battling is something to look for, the real show is watching Gibson and Tiffany attempt to pull in remotely competent performances on-screen. Tiffany possesses about the same dramatic flair and on-screen presence as a latter day Joan Crawford. Her emotional outbursts provide some of the funniest bits of comedy you'll ever see in a B movie. And you have to appreciate the baffling music video/montage mid-film where director Mary Lambert stylishly shows the Mega Python and Gators breeding and increasing in size set to pop music from the two stars. When all is said and done, Mary Lambert's clashing of the titans (?) is about as awful as you can imagine but what do you expect when you base your entire film on two ex-pop stars most of the target audience has likely never heard of before?

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" serves its purpose as an awful monster movie with one of the most nonsensical storylines in the last few years, but you have to give it up for Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. They can't act to save their lives, and ninety percent of the demographic for the film have absolutely no idea who either of them are, but they still look damn good tussling.