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Rated: PG-13 for adult language, and violence.
Genre: Science Fiction Thriller Action Adventure Romance
Directed By: Rob Cohen
Running Time: 1:55
Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.
Review Date: 12/28/05



Oh, yet another re-tread on the Frankenstein concept, there's even a Dr. Frankenstein character named Keith Orbit, yet Frankenstein wasn't a piece of shit. In reality though "Stealth" is a new take on "Chopping Mall'. Now stop laughing for a second, and really think about it. Man invents machine, a new computer technology that will re-think how a procedure is done, the machine is struck by lightning and turns on man, now man has to stop it. It would like to think of itself as "2001" meets "Top Gun", but really it's just a rip-off of "Chopping Mall" through and through. Now, call my theory quackery if you want, but I think "Stealth" warrants a comparison to "Chopping Mall". "Stealth" opens with the funniest, and most ridiculous opening scroll that lasts for about a minute, but explains to us all the necessary plot holes. The writing is vapid enough that we need an opening scroll just to explain to us what the screenwriters couldn't in this 105 minute story.

And the scroll pretty much says "Just in case, it's the future so don't worry about lapses in logic, plot holes, or military inaccuracies". Now, in order to buy what goes on here, you'd basically have to stick a pencil up your nose and spin your brain in to a fine mush, that procedure is also needed to find any such entertainment value within the confines of the story. The story here asks a lot of its audience and for a stupid action film, it's asking too much. It asks from the very beginning that you shut your mouth, shut your brain off and just take it all in as is. The problem is any one with common sense, or a basic knowledge of taste really will not stop asking questions or cringing at the sheer ridiculousness Cohen invests so heavily in. It's the future yet foreign countries are the only ones still stuck in the the twenty-first century with guns and old jets?

And an advanced fighter jet is created that has both a neuro-processor, accepts demands, and has incredible technology, yet something as shrewd as a lightning bolt affects it? And I'm supposed to buy this, why? You figure with all the advanced technology, a simple lightning storm wouldn't affect such advanced weaponry. If we have surge protectors for desktop computers, why doesn't "the most advanced war machine in the world" have one? The jet is gorgeous, but it's nothing more than a weaker KIT from "Knight Rider". This time the jet is called EDI (more prominently, Eddie, voiced by Wentworth Miller), a laughable reference to Kubrick's "2001" (people even go behind a curtain to keep the computer from understanding what they're saying). Oh, Cohen only wishes this could reach the class, dignity, and sheer brilliance of that film.

The lightning bolt triggers it to go through with practice plans of attack and its sole intent is to bomb what it deems as enemy territory, so the military send the three fighter pilots after it before it destroys the world, but why not any other fighter pilots? You figure if they're trying to stop this machine, and keep it under wraps, they'd send out a full assault team to be sure it doesn't follow through with its plans. And also, this thing can download music from the internet... and the writers make a special point of explaining this, why?! Oh, yes, to have an excuse to plug the soundtrack which blares inside the EDI unit over and over. "Stealth" from start to finish is really nothing but high budget, gaudy, brainless, Hollywood bullshit that's both clunky, and very loud. We're given some brutally clunky dialogue that's made up of nothing but cringe-inducing one-liners, and military jargon; the plot makes zero sense and meanders from one sub-plot to the other, and nothing is ever really pulled with an ounce of believability. It's actually mind-blowing.

Terrorists meeting up in an office building in plain view? Debris falling from an exploding plane downward that's flying at amazing speeds? A large re-fueling blimp flying in the sky, over enemy airspace that's used only once? Stealth that can go off on a plane? An AI unit built to survive beyond everything else sacrifices itself to save someone? Jets that can fly from country to country in minutes flat without re-fueling? The list goes on. And as per your usual action crap fest, the enemies couldn't shoot the side of a barn. The casts talents are pissed away here with characters that do nothing to flex their skills. Cue the sheer lack of chemistry between Lucas and Biel, and each character serves a purpose. Lucas is the dignified hero, Biel is the feminist twist to the formula, and Foxx's character is nothing but a stereotype of hip hop lingo, slang, and one-liners consisting of "That's hot", and "I'm on that ass". Cohen's terrible direction, and the horrible writing do nothing to expose these actors. Lucas' character is vapid, Foxx' sidekick is one dimensional, And, yes, I still don't see the big deal with Jessica Biel. She's the lesser of the Jessica's. "Stealth" exemplifies the further lack of talent Cohen proves to the American audience, and Lucas, Biel, and Foxx are caught in the crossfire.

Talent's wasted, money is pissed away, and resources are spent in what is basically a really bad action movie, even for the Summer. "Director" Rob Cohen really does get off on bad mindless films and I long for the days when he begins directing infomercials and late night movies. Loud, clunky, derivative, horribly written, and dizzying. "Stealth" is a basic disaster of filmmaking.




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