This film, unintentionally, can be quite hilarious in how bad it is in terms of effects/acting/etcetera. It’s the only reason I kept watching.

Wow. I mean, wow. There is only one movie I’ve ever not seen through to conclusion because of how critically awful it was, and that was Das Boot. A bunch of dudes in a submarine checking each other for syph, rising and falling in a phallic object, and running away. How puss.

But anyway, I say this to qualify the fact that I give movies more than a fair shake, even if they’re starting to suck, just so that I can see it all before I judge it. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when people read my work for a few lines and then judge the whole of it.

So I watched Tartarus all the way through, so help me.

Plan 9 From Outer Space bad. I mean, really, really bad. I actually find Plan 9 somewhat amusing. This is like getting raped by glass. Anthropomorphic glass.

The movie starts with a dude getting chased by a horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE CGI spaceship. He then gets caught with a bad actor in a car, and overacts his way into a very fake crash before getting caught by the aliens, who spend the rest of the flick torturing him and showing him what a bad person he is.

They stick a probe on his face, and he remembers dumping his wife before being shot (?) for no apparent reason by nobody, with the same cheesy effect sound over and over.

Then the aliens (I kid you not) stick a probe on his dick and he remembers raping a prostitute. He then inexplicably drops holding his crotch.

Whenever they probe him, a little bad garbage can CG thing comes out and floats over with the probe. It’s...bad. The alien in costume is also...very, very bad. Laughably bad. Not just “Aw, they tried, but it didn’t work out” and you kind of pity the filmmakers. More, “Man, they just took that mask right off the rack!” bad.

I then kind of realize he’s supposed to be in hell. Maybe?

The alien sticks the garbage can thing into his chest after he spits on the alien, and the guy begins screaming. That’s another thing. Whenever they probe this guy, it cuts to him screaming for about five minutes with an unending dissonant chord.

It then shows him drinking and driving straight from a Seven and Seven bottle which appears not to be open, and shows him running over the fakest dummy in the history of fake dummies.

Then back to the alien, and more fake lightning CG into the guy and screaming. Screaming.

They show the guy knocked out with the alien there, so if this is a surreal imagining in hell, it doesn’t work, because the guy would just remember when he woke up again, so I’m gathering we’re supposed to believe this is real? Or…?

They then stick a probe up his ass, with more screaming. And vacuum noises.

Then it cuts to him smoking crack. No. Seriously.

He goes in to see a guy about some crack while high, and the guy serves him a drink from THE SAME BOOZE BOTTLE he drank from when he kills the fake dummy.

The drug dealer is a...narc, apparently, who allows him to snort coke before the narcotics agent pulls his gun. After declaring that it’s a sting, the protagonist pulls his gun, the narcotics agent allows him to just stand there, and apparently, they’re pulling the sting without backup rushing in to arrest the guy. They have a conversation about the protagonist becoming an informant before, very badly, the narcotics agent shoots the protagonist in the head.

Then it cuts to some weird CGI image of a guy with an open head gushing blood and the main character running around a room with garbage bag walls.

He then…fights with the alien, pulls off the alien’s mask, and finds the narcotics agent, who vomits…something onto him.

Other highlights of the craziness? A bum singing “Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory” as the main character struggles to avoid alien vomit. Screaming. Bad plastic cleaver hacking off of limbs. Screaming. Children talking while naked blue specters fly into the sky in a forest. Dissonant chords. Screaming. The main character selling videos with content strangely like the content of this movie on the cover to old ladies (taking advantage of them, OH, the irony!) for fifty bucks. A giant CGI blob attacking someone, and the main character refusing to save him. Screaming. The main character as a grown man in pajamas with a elephant teddy crying for his daddy. Daddy is drinking from THE SAME booze bottle as the last two guys. Oh, and the daddy is the same guy as the main character with white-sprayed hair. Bad CG Skeleton hands coming out of a mirror. Dissonant chords. The main character strangling the alien with the narcotic cop’s face, declaring that there is no god, and being assailed by the garbage can. He hits the garbage can, so it vomits at him. Then the movie essentially starts over with no dilemma resolved.

This wouldn’t be so bad if it were comedy, but it’s all taken seriously. Maybe without all of the CG it could have been somewhat serious, if badly acted. But it’s there.

If there were ever an argument for a lack of God’s existence, well, here you go. Ironically, it’s a god-inspired morality tale, it would seem. Sigh.

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