The question many people ask me after watching what will obviously be crappy, and given a bad review from me is, “If you know it’s going to suck, then why watch it?” Well, because I’m a critic, and because morbid curiosity takes over, and maybe because I’m a sadist. But it’s also because bad reviews are entertaining to write, and we’ve been told that they’re entertaining to read. Besides, Rob Schneider is deserving of bashing. He just is. There’s never been such an apropos title since “The Benchwarmers,” because it sums up our cast rather perfectly. Rob Schneider, David Spade, Tim Meadows, and Jon Lovitz, all people who could never quite make it in the big time, because they just weren’t talented enough. And it’s no surprise daddy Sandler helped fund what is basically a life story of these semi-comedians.

When John Heder gives a semi-Napoleon Dynamite performance, as this disabled man who picks his nose, you can sense the writers are reaching. There’s also a sassy robot waiter, and the laughable instances where each of our characters meets gorgeous women who potentially become their love interest for the movie. In what world, guys? In what world? When a film relies on Rob Schneider to be the straight man, it’s not a confidence booster, and we’re thrown into a rather absurd plot about a group of baseball rejects who form a team attempting to win a baseball field for a billionaire. Cue montages, a moral, and many ridiculous jokes that never seem to hit the mark. I didn’t laugh once, nor did I chuckle or guffaw. Everything presented here is so beyond hackery, I could barely finish it. But it’s a good thing I did. Heder is almost in the same league as these schmoes, and “The Benchwarmers” is in his future: a really bad comedy, with C grade comedic actors.

Keep thanking the sweet sweet stars that Adam Sandler is your true connection into the world of film. Enjoy the movie roles while you can, because "The Benchwarmers" is the height of your hilarity. And lack thereof.

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