What Stan Lee has basically done here is create his very own Spider-Man. With the Condor, we have a basically privileged young man whose life is really in need of a boost. When his parents die, he is rendered basically crippled after being attacked, and becomes a superhero. One that talks the villains to death to piss them off. The Condor is basically the equivalent of the Spider-Man rogue Rocket Racer with a mixture of that lame superhero from the nineties: MANTIS. He’s a guy who fights crime with a super powered skateboard, and a costume that grants him the powers to walk. Through this, he uncovers an odd crime ring involving robotics, zombie skateboarders, and… some suited criminal.

I could never really comprehend what the hell the plot entailed, really. Everyone speaks of how they have a plan for Tony Valdez. The problem is they never explain what. I mean, what is the overall plan for zombifying the skateboarders? We get the idea it’s to test the robotics technology, but then what? The villain’s overall plan for the robotic mind control is awfully convoluted, without a lick of actual interest in his scheme. Meanwhile, there’s Tony Valdez who is without a doubt one of the most unlikable heroes on-screen. Valdez is often a selfish and utterly obnoxious character who never manages to reveal any redeeming traits in his personality beyond masquerading as the Condor.

And it doesn’t help that Wilmer Valderrama’s voice acting is awfully anemic, almost as if he’s just as bored as we are. Valdez just isn’t a deep or complex character and Lee’s attempt at a Peter Parker of his very own fails. The Condor isn’t an interesting hero anyway, because he ends up looking much more like a cheesy eighties superhero than one for the modern age. And what the hell was the actual relevance of the Condor medallion? “The Condor” is a weak superhero flick, and it’s a pretty standard one, as well.

I'm all for more superhero flicks, because I'm simply a sucker for them. But "The Condor" is a step in the wrong direction. Bad voice acting, a boring story, and a villain that's neither threatening nor logical. I wanted better.

• Stan Lee has a voice cameo as an old man whose granddaughter is saved by The Condor.

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