Cinema Crazed

Buy This Film

2004

Rated: R for nudity, graphic language, and graphic violence.

Genre: Crime Thriller

Directed By: Paul Lynch

Running Time: 1:36

Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.

Review Date: 10/21/06

DVD Features:
None.

THE KEEPER

"Y-o-o-o-u-u-u-'r-r-r-e-e-e Busted!"

Asia Argento is one of the trashiest but utterly sexiest women I’ve ever seen in my life. She’s like Courtney Love sans the blood sucking, obvious smell, and rehab stubs. But at this rate, she’s doomed to be the next Cynthia Rothrock. “Who?” You ask? My point exactly. Dennis Hopper who was with Asia Argento in “Land of the Dead,” stars alongside her here as a miscast cop basically set up to guard Argento and suddenly kidnaps her. Why? Who the hell knows, but hearing Argento say “Wang a dang dang” makes this worth watching if only for the camp value.

Aww, don't worry, I still wouldn’t kick you out of bed, mush mouth. Gina, a stripper, is attacked at her hotel room and put under protection by the police department. Unfortunately, she’s kidnapped by an officer and kept in an underground jail cell to rot under the officer’s ogling smirk. Now we’re pulled into a “Misery” plot, and I can tell you, Argento is no James Caan, and Hopper is no Kathy Bates. I mean listening to Hopper’s ten minute rant about “Mr. Rat” just screams hacky.

But then, that’s only the icing on this crap cake. There’s Dennis Hopper giving a puppet show, Dennis Hopper chaining Argento up, many scenes of screaming and struggling, and one of the dullest and drawn out back stories to a movie villain I’ve ever seen. Hopper pulls out all the stops here, as we're even sidetracked occasionally to view an inane plot about Hopper's character becoming a celebrity as a cop speaking around the country to children about drugs.

But the big mystery is supposed to be about the officer, and Gina's attempts to escape. Basically, she fails even when given many chances, and Hopper’s character is just a whiny little bitch. His mom was a stripper, so he feels imprisoning Gina will save her. Congratulations I just saved you an ass load of time watching one of the dumbest thrillers I’ve ever seen. Not to mention the direction by Lynch, has to be some of the worst I’ve ever seen with arbitrary drama, characters added for no reason whatsoever, and terrible characterization that just does nothing but pad the film to its comfortable ninety minute time slot to no avail.

“The Keeper” wants to be “Misery,” and it’s dying to be “Lady in the Cage,” but in the end, it’s just another awful film with no redeeming traits. Bad acting, horrible direction, and a plot that goes nowhere. All present and accounted for.

How does one score points with Asia Argento? How does one score with her, period?

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