Potential filmmakers of America, or any country, listen up: If you're going to make a vampire movie, show vampires, if you're going to make a slasher movie, show some murders, and if you're going to make a werewolf movie, show some actual fucking werewolves! I don't care how you show them, just show them! Claymation, animated, bad CGI, anything, but if you're going to promise us werewolves, give us werewolves! I can put up with bad acting, irritating characters, horrible direction, and a sloppy narrative, but when you have a rushed storyline that leads up to nothing, you best be prepared for a paddlin'. And lookin' at my paddle? Oh, you best believe that's a paddlin'.

Ten minutes in to this crap fest, I was thinking to myself, my goodness how this is ever so similar to a movie I've seen before, and then I spotted the director happened to be David
DeCoteau who directed the vapid homosexual innuendo "Ring of Darkness". After watching these movies, I've discovered DeCoteau's art is a reflection of his underlying homosexuality. The signs are there within the seams of his crappy movies. What's even worse is "Wolves" is a complete recycling of "Ring of Darkness" from the opening of a young man being chased and murdered by a group of shadows, to the Abercrombie and Fitch leading man who is let in to a group of men with seedy goings on who perform homo-erotic rituals.

DeCoteau performs a gutsy undertaking by attempting to re-do "Wolf", and presents us with a clever concept of businessmen whom are in real life literally carnivorous monsters. With the proper writers and director, this may have been a very good monster flick in the tradition of "American Psycho", but with this crew it's a complete misfire of what could have been. If you can sit through this insanely repetitive, and utterly irritating ridiculous shit, well good on you. Meanwhile with the horrible hacky writing, we're presented with the worst puns, more ridiculous plot devices (A silver pen?! A silver pen?!), and many of the most utterly obnoxious characters you'll ever see. The firm is called "The Wolf Brothers". "The Wolf Brothers"? Give me a fucking break. Now the script hints that they're businessmen as werewolves, but with the horrible directing, and smart editing they're nothing more than primal businessmen who like to bite people.

There's no explanation as to why they're wolves, how they became that way, how long they've gone about their brotherhood, why the first man died in the beginning, why no one asks questions, why they sit in dark rooms doing business, and we're never really told why they do what they do. Cue the rapid fire and almost endless werewolf puns that weren't as clever as they thought they were, but came off as truly obnoxious, characters actually say "It's a Dog Eat Dog World" *Groans*, "You better claw, scratch and bite your way to the top" *Groans louder*. No one talks like that. You don't see a group of secret vampires say "Man, my job sucks!", or "We're out for blood in this world!" Meanwhile the director includes much padding from horrible attempted character exposition, a long boring plot and also features one of the longest, boring, irritating most drawn out transformation/murder sequences I've ever seen.

We watch for ten minutes as the villains tear their clothes off slowly, and slowly, and finally they gather around their victims and eat them, but never turn in to wolves. I kept thinking "When in the living loving hell will we get to see an actual werewolf?" It never happens. We're never given claws, yellow eyes, long ears, or even a hairy chest. The movie is insanely rushed, and builds no tension or atmosphere and presents some of the most clunky dialogue I've ever heard, and it helps the characters have no chemistry. Star William Gregory Lee gives a horrible performance chewing up the scenery and often over-playing his performance, while Eric Roberts does nothing but give us a character that's based on an impression that's a mix of Pacino from "Devil's Advocate" and Gordon Gecko.

But the kicker is Elisa Donovan who is terrible here as a character I was hoping would be mauled to death. She goes from attractive and sexy to instantly whiny and obnoxious and utterly irritating in seconds flat. In the second half she becomes especially hard to sit through and turns in to a very needy pissy girlfriend who I wanted to beat the hell out of with a belt. Even with a low budget, the director never bothers to give us any commentary on business or businessmen or the business world and fails in every such category, he hints back and forth that a character knows something about the werewolf businessmen but nothing is ever explained, or developed, or resolved, and everything is left up in the air with an abrupt ending that ends up being both sloppy and utterly ridiculous. He kills the werewolf crew with his silver pen. There, I just saved you ninety boobless minutes.

You must be a warrior if you can sit through this shit without wanting to smash your television. It's yet another DeCoteau film with homo-erotic themes, terrible performances, horrible production values, a plot that goes nowhere fast, plot holes, a recycled concept, and much build-up to bupkis.

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