Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire (2005)

wotvVampire movies are perhaps the easiest of the horror genre to make aside from zombie films. Some fake fangs, contacts, immense over acting and voila (watch the actors here attempt to mutter their lines through fake teeth!). You can go to an online store and simply type in “vampire” and you’ll come up with about seventy to a hundred vampire films. What’s rare about vampire films though, is that it’s extremely difficult to find a vampire movie that’s actually worth watching. I can think of only a few. “Bram Stoker’s The Way of the Vampire” is no exception to this rule.

What’s worse than a bad vampire movie? A bad boring vampire movie. “Way of the Vampire” is boring because in its eighty minute run time is pads its story immensely, features a really pointless opening sequence, and brings about your basic “vampires taking over the world” plot that we’ve seen so many times. Aren’t there any vampires who just want to feed and not make a spectacle of themselves? Regardless, I was hopeful this would end up being a fairly mediocre vampire horror film, but occasionally I have brain relapses, so you can’t blame me. If anything, “Way of the Vampire” shows that Van Helsing sure does get around a lot, eh?

And I highly doubt Bram Stoker wrote a cheesy story that takes place in the twenty-first century, but hey, whatever helps sell your films, right? So, after a monastery is over run by vampires, and all the priests are properly disposed of, Van Helsing confronts Dracula for the–oh–let’s say thousandth time and disposes of him in one of the more laughable methods I’ve ever seen depicted on film. Hey, I thought “Blade: Trinity’s” disposal of Dracula was disappointing, but wait until you see this. But Dracula wasn’t the end, now there’s a vampire prince who Van Helsing must defeat once and for all, but this pesky prince is re-emerging and grouping his team together to–I don’t know–take over the world, or something. Meanwhile we’re given bad actors milking their fake English accents, and your usual organic exchanges between the hunters and vampires.

If anything, watch this film for the entertainment value, and for the priceless nuggets thrown every which way that will surely leave you laughing. The stilted dialogue, the sometimes over-dramatic, sometimes wooden acting, the really cheesy vampires, and the awful audio that many times made the dialogue difficult to hear. But you’ll also find yourself asking some odd questions; for example, since when does a secret organization of vampire hunters meet in a rec room? No one can figure out that doctor Van Helsing is really the actual Van Helsing? Not many people have that last name. There’s no Ron Van Helsing in the Hamptons, folks. Since when does one bite from a vampire kill someone completely? I assumed they maimed someone to off them, or at least bled them dry.

But the suspense for those questions is easily alleviated when we really do get in to the film. There’s many vampire hunter training sequences played for comedy that’s never really funny, and the acting, or lack thereof is utterly priceless; there’s even a vampire who talks like Dustin Hoffman from “Rain Man” for some reason. Denise Boutte really does chew the scenery–pun not intended–as the vampire princes’ assistant. Over acting must be a resume point with her, she’s one to really look out for, because man does she give bad acting a new meaning. There’s also the dialogue which really does turn into a parade of one-liners, and bad exposition, but the comedic nuggets are more spouted by the vampires.

There’s even one scene where a master vampire attempts to get a hooker on the street and they start making out, he gets impatient, and he actually screams “To hell with foreplay!!” and bites her. Trust me when I tell you, I nearly woke up my entire house with my loud laughing. Through everything, the entertainment was minimal, and I truly was bored. This has to be the longest eighty minutes of my life. The acting is horrible, the plot is cliché, the film is boring, the audio is indiscernible, and everything else really does add up to one really bad mess of a vampire movie.