5. Casper
I have never had fun watching Casper and as a rule my mom made sure to play his series for my brother and I when we were bored out of our skulls. I never understood why because Casper always left us on the verge of tears; we never had a laugh watching Casper’s adventures because there was nothing funny about it. To be honest, I always avoided Casper because there’s simply nothing more traumatic than watching the spirit of a dead child who can not fit in to the human world, try to make friends only to be turned down and run away from. Why the hell does this character even exist?! Who in their right minds ever thought the spirit of a dead kid would serve as fun family fare? It really just wants to make you blow your brains out.
Have you ever sat through an episode without wondering: Is Casper a man or a kid? If so how did he die? Why did he die? Were his parents sad? Was it a miserable death? Why does he have such bad luck? Why didn’t he get in to heaven or hell? Is there a heaven or hell if someone nice like Casper has to suffer an eternity looking for friends? When you have to ask those questions in a children’s cartoon then it’s just not fun at all. Take one episode when Casper finally befriends an unbiased Fox who is being chased by hunters. They become friends, the Fox is murdered, and it re-appears as a ghost to be Casper’s friend. Animal cruelty, death, and murder. Ah, heartwarming, isn’t it? And then there’s that old joke that still rings true: Where the hell did his “friends” go when a new episode began, anyway? Oh who cares, Casper sucks. If you’re a good parent you won’t show them his adventures.
4. The Cast of Family Guy
Even “The Simpsons” have acknowledged, if playfully, that Peter Griffith is really nothing but a rip off of Homer Simpson and the evidence is as clear as day even if angry fans of “Family Guy” aren’t willing to admit it. For further evidence that “Family Guy” is really nothing but Groening’s creations on crack, we have wife Lois a more submissive Marge Simpson sans the sympathetic characterization who was once a very put upon presence now being given ridiculous purposes on the show. We have Brian who is just Santa’s Little Helper with more inexplicable intelligence. Why is he so well spoken? Who cares, it’s a talking dog!
That’s funny! No… no it isn’t. We have Stewie who is just Bart with less years and more menace to him; Megan is a despicable Lisa Simpson without a use on the series at all but then Lois doesn’t have much of a ways to go as a character either, and there’s Chris, a character all in his own who may actually present some form of creativity at times if we weren’t so bogged down with McFarlane’s homoerotic jokes that often are so excruciating with no comic timing or originality. Put them together and you have all the ideas Seth McFarlane could ever come with that he recycled with “American Dad” and soon “The Clevelands.” These flat characters simply are as funny as stomach cancer and I’m more than happy to declare my hatred for the series.
3. George of the Jungle
Felix hate flimsy Tarzan rip off. Felix know George is Tarzan rip-off but could never find George funny no matter how hard he tried. George is horrible. His cartoon horrible. George no funny, George corny. Animation bad, almost as bad as “Dudley Do-Right.” Felix wonder why George has so much fans. George are no body worth worshipping, he are stupid. I remember watching “George of the Jungle” as a child and couldn’t believe this was from the same people who created “Rocky & Bullwinkle.” Granted, I was never very fond of either show (yes, I went there), but at least the aforementioned had some good jokes and gags in it on occasion.
“George of the Jungle” is a consistently redundant and dull little Tarzan spoof with flat writing and some of the dumbest characters I’ve ever seen. It’s no surprise the cartoon translated in to an equally bad movie decades later. Back in the old days of cable, the Cartoon Network here in America would play some great vintage toons and then around eleven they’d simply kill the time by playing this series, and for an hour my brother and I had absolutely nothing to watch because frankly they sucked. George watching out for that tree was particularly bothersome.
2. Scooby Doo
When I was a child I used to watch every single cartoon that came my way, which only fed my merciless hunger for the art form and also made me a rather interesting connoisseur of all things two dimensional. I saw everything from Hannah Barbera to Rankin Bass, from German animation to Japanese Animation. And as a child who watched everything, it’s still surprising to many that I never liked Scooby Doo. I hate Scooby Doo. Even as a little boy who ate everything spoon fed to him on television, Scooby Doo was always the last alternative as entertainment when sleep and my toys weren’t interesting or within reach. Scooby Doo simply has nothing appealing about him, and the millions upon millions of wannabes he eventually spawned were not only baffling but utterly insufferable.
He is the figure that spawned the Funky Phantom, he spawned Jabber Jaw, and it’s baffling that a vapid character like this who is simply a talking dog solving mysteries would spawn even more talking animals and inanimate objects with personalities, or lack thereof. “Scooby Doo,” regardless of the time period he was introduced, was always awful. From his obnoxious way of speaking, to the people he surrounded himself around like the stoner Shaggy, the obviously lesbian Velma, and the douche bag Freddy, Hannah Barbera’s creation was almost as terrible as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids. Hell, I’d take them over Scooby any day of the week. And don’t even get me started on Scrappy, and those dumb movies where they met celebrities.
1. Mickey Mouse
Recently, a Muslim priest declared Mickey Mouse the symbol of Satan and well… he has represented a corporation whose practices are incredibly questionable. And he has been spoofed as a mark of evil in Kevin Smith’s films through the form of Mooby. Mickey Mouse is one of the most historic animated characters of all time and for really all the wrong reasons. I mean I respect that he’s historic. I also respect that he’s one of the first ever soulless, cash cows whose sole intent is to act as a mascot for a company who really had no respect for the creation beyond raking in as many prospects as possible. And in turn Disney’s had no real respect for other animated companies working as a monopoly of a sorts. Mickey Mouse is, was, and always will be a vapid and horribly overrated cartoon creation with an origin that’s long been over hyped.
His classic cartoons are really nothing more than boring, cheesy, and awfully dated, and his further upgrades in to modern culture have been to serve as nothing more than background noise for funnier characters. And I use the term funny and Disney in loose connection. Mickey is really good for nothing other than bugging the crap out of us, selling Disney products, and of course, reminding us that there are so much better characters out there for us to enjoy. His dead gaze, his high pitched voice, his lack of comedic ability, the zero personality; what’s not to dislike? He’s always been compared to Bugs Bunny by many film lovers, but let’s face it: In a normal short, Mickey would be one of those dumb characters Bugs would be trying to get rid of and eventually drop in to the grand canyon with a hand full of dynamite leaving him to the ravenous wolf. Die, mouse.