Rock Slyde (2009)

rock-slydeInstantly I knew that “Rock Slyde” was nothing but a wasted effort when main character Rock Slyde declares “Keep and eye on Bart, he’s up to something fishy… kind of like fish.” To where we’re reduced to a scene of Rock and his secretary literally comparing fish to crab. Hey you have to give them credit for trying, but every single person in and behind “Rock Slyde” is a lot like that spider in the tub struggling to keep its head above water and you just know it won’t survive. “Rock Slyde” is basically just a string of nonsensical vastly unfunny jokes, gags, and one-liners all of which seems to have been written from comedy class 101 at the local community center. When in doubt, point out the joke we’ve just seen. When in doubt, drive a pun in to the ground as much as possible until it gets sickening.

Sitting through “Rock Slyde” was much like watching an under achiever at a spelling bee. You want to really stick by them because you know they’re capable of doing so much more, but truly you just want to turn away. Chris Dowling’s comedy satire is filled with jokes and dialogue that fail to draw laughs or even the slightest chuckles on every conceivable level and you can almost sense even the cast didn’t really enjoy being in front of the screen delivering such hackneyed lines to one another. Rena Sofer is better than this, Patrick Warburton is much better than this, Jason Alexander is better than this and… shocking enough, Andy Dick is better than this. Dowling takes every advantage to hold our hands through the jokes making this a clumsy and quite tedious affair.

Rock Slyde goes on for five minutes in the opening about why his name is Rock Slyde and why it’s funny, his love interest/femme fatale is named Sara Lee (get it? Like the cake! Funny, right?!), and Dowling even goes for the fail safe of laughs: he puts Rock in to a funny looking car. Even the worst of comedies like “The Stupids” never managed to get so mind-numbingly obvious in their puns and sight gags. When Dowling is at his lowest he relies on this really awful running gag that involves Rock becoming a gay porn star before his work as a PI that involves endless utterly excruciating sequences of Warburton dressed as a pirate singing with other gay pirates. How anyone could even consider this even the slightest bit humorous is beyond me.

But Dowling aptly runs this gag in to the ground for the remainder of the film as Rock battles with a cult that’s taking over the office building he resides in all the while engaging in a case with Sara Lee (like the cake! Get it?!) that not only makes no sense, but isn’t the least bit funny. Especially considering Sofer and Warburton have no chemistry or comic timing whatsoever. When all is said and done, everyone here seems to be trying their hardest to make this abysmal and often painful excrement work, but it’s impossible even for the most talented of television stars. “Rock Slyde” is an obvious attempt at satirizing the noir films that film lovers adore but works against such an intent when the audience realizes that the movie isn’t the least bit funny, or entertaining, or creative, or even original. In spite of Patrick Warburton’s best efforts to make this material work, you’d be better off watching old episodes of “Seinfeld.”