Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

Lost-Boys_The-ThirstAfter the disastrous and god awful “The Tribe,” which was just a remake of the original film, “Thirst” takes every chance to link to the original film convincing audiences that it really is an honest to goodness sequel and not just a wannabe of the “Lost Boys” variety. In its essence though it’s still just nostalgiasploitation, as it takes every precaution to connect to the original movie trying to create a fluid sense of continuity. We hear the classic theme song played in the opening, there’s a re-make of the vampire train track diving scene in the original, Edgar has flashbacks (i.e. clips) of his fighting days with Sam and Alan, Edgar and his brother take the time to explain to one another what happened to the rest of the characters (Corey Haim who died before the film, is told to have suffered a slight case of vampirism and staking), and Alan re-appears as a supporting character now in vampiric form.

Edgar is haunted by cheesy dreams of hunting vampires with Alan who recites versions of the lines from the original film and we learn how he turned, we then visit Edgar who is now living like the dude, with long hair, walking around in pajamas, smoking pot as much as possible, and even makes ends by meet by selling his old comic books. Edgar, now facing homelessness, is confronted by a young female author of really bad but popular vampire novels (get it? Like “Twilight”! So edgy!) who wants him to track down and find her little brother who has disappeared in to the rave scene and has taken a drug called thirst which many think is a drug but is actually small doses of the head vampire’s blood. We learn that the head vampires have a head head vampire, the headiest of them all and he’s apparently a clubber.

Now Edgar, at wits end from bickering with his vampire brother about fighting the undead, agrees to take the job with a group of interchangeable young hunters, one of whom is a vampire enthusiast/comic collector, and the other is a television reality show host. While certainly not as tedious or redundant as “The Tribe,” this third movie is definitely not a masterpiece in any sense of the word, and that’s mainly due to Corey Feldman’s horrific performance. The rub is that the creators need Feldman to lure in the fan boys from the eighties, so we unfortunately must suffer through Feldman’s line delivery that is a healthy mix of Adam West and a grunting caveman learning English. But as I mentioned, the studio needs Feldman to lure in the eighties fans, so he’s a permanent and affordable fixture of the sequels whether we like it or not.

“Thirst” is reliant on hipper than thou references to comic books and literature as well as hokey plot devices like convenient dreams, the convoluted cliché master plan of the head vampire, and a conveniently well preserved guidebook for fighting vampires that Alan shockingly has in his possession. Meanwhile, much of the film revolves around the vampire hunters bickering at one another, and Edgar leading them in to caves to track down and kill the rather creepy vampires who take pride in slaughtering hapless wannabe Goths. One aspect of this sequel I did enjoy was the vampires were merciless and demonic, so they posed a great threat to these moronic heroes. The ultimate plan of the head vampire is about as humdrum as you’d expect. He wants to take over the world. And he’s doing it with clubbers and ravers! Of course.

The ravers are the key. There’s really nothing to do with his character beyond that, so he’s given little screen time, while the rest of left up to Feldman to carry, and there’s not much for him to keep afloat when the film does little to entice audiences with bland supporting characters, clunky one-liners (“Virgins… vampire filet mignon…”), and some really badly shot action scenes that indicate in this world vampirism turns you in to the bullet proof monk. After a ho hum final showdown and a “guess who!” surprise twist, “The Thirst” really doesn’t break the mold nor does it convince me this series should continue. But I assume there’s still money to be made off of folks re-living the eighties. This is “The Lost Boys” by way of “Blade” with both screenwriters desperately trying to convince us this is an official sequel, but unfortunately while a step above “The Tribe,” this is not a movie worth devoting your time to.

One element of “The Thirst” that I did enjoy was the special effects which were often quite dazzling and disgusting at times. I enjoyed how they demonstrated the original speech from the Frog Brothers as they explain some vampires explode, implode, turn to ash, etc. and we see many variations on that declaration with much of the vampire cronies bursting in to flames or exploding in to guts and gore. The special effects really do tend to dazzle and when the vampires bite it, it’s quite a show. Save for menacing villains and sharp special effects, “The Thirst” is an absolute bust with horrific performances, forgettable characters, a cookie cutter villain, and a plot filled with so much convenient twists (including a hinted fourth film battling furry freaks), it’s almost insulting. Feldman’s got to eat, I guess.