Cinema Crazed's Worst 10 of 2012…

2012 was filled with so many surprises, and it’s a year we may be talking about for a while. The big screen adaptation of “21 Jump Street” we were convinced would be pure swill ended up being the funniest comedy in the last few years. Ridley Scott’s return to science fiction “Prometheus” which we were sure would be an epic masterpiece ended up being sub-par genre fare that didn’t exactly re-invent the wheel in spite of causing a rift between genre fans who either loved it or hated it. However, the comedy movie about a foul mouthed talking teddy bear pretty much met our rock bottom expectations. Disney and Marvel Studios took a gamble on a movie that assembled a group of superheroes from film franchises of varying success entrusting the task to a director and storyteller primarily beloved by cult fans, and ended up conquering the box-office, and the world.

Disney’s gamble on another fantasy film entitled “John Carter” also made history as one of the biggest flops in movie history. A movie based on a board game was crucified by movie fans all over the world, while the director of “The Avengers” made waves with his cult horror comedy “The Cabin in the Woods.” Quentin Tarantino introduced one of the rare African American Western heroes to mainstream cinema,  and The Dark Knight made his return to the screen unfortunately being forever linked to a horrific killing spree inflicted by a heartless monster, prompting Hollywood to re-think their stance on film violence causing an uproar among movie buffs. 2012 was a rather eventful year in the world of cinema and storytelling, and without further ado we introduce our Top 10 and Worst 10 Films of 2012.

As with every year we have some new categories, and we hope we inspire such rage in you that you’re able to find it in your heart to leave a vicious anonymous passive aggressive comment on Rotten Tomatoes for one of our reviews. That’s all we ask. Or if you’re feeling conversational, send us your own Top 10 and Worst 10 of 2012! We can likely begin a conversation that’s human and polite.

10. The Tortured
Directed by Robert Lieberman
IFC Films
Release Date: June 15th
Buy It Now!
We hated this movie in 2010 when it was a direct to DVD title, and we hate it even more now that it’s a limited theatrical release. A poor excuse for lame ass torture porn, this movie pairs two relics of the early twenty first century cinema and turns them in to individuals so irredeemably stupid they can’t even pull off revenge properly between the two of them let alone take care of a little child. They’re the definition of yuppies and when the “big reveal” presents itself, you’ll wonder why this film even wanted you to root for their dumb asses in the first place. This is a despicable and grotesque film that puts up a facade revenge art house cinema to hide its clumsy torture porn pandering that is based around two parents who kidnap and torture the man who murdered their young son.

I’m sure the producers thought this would be a wonderful call back to “Last House on the Left” with a “surprise” ending that tries to mimic James Wan horror films, but it’s so horribly written, acted, and directed that it’s just grade F horror cinema that is just excruciating to watch. It’s sanctimonious pretense that it presents illuminating commentary about capital punishment and justice is in vain, as it’s just an excuse to give its two stars a reason to over act and feature a man getting painfully punished for ninety minutes. We wouldn’t have included this on the top 10 since it was originally a release in 2010 and didn’t garner distribution until 2012. We hated this so much in 2010 that we didn’t bother including it in our top 10 as we assumed it was just a another bad direct to DVD shelf filler. But since IFC Films apparently felt the need to grant it a theatrical release, we gave this an exception because we hate it that much.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
The big reveal in the finale will cause you to wonder why you wasted ninety minutes of your life for nothing. Christensen’s gotta eat.

9. Ted
Directed by Seth McFarlane
Universal Pictures
Release Date: June 29th
Buy It Now!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accepted that Seth McFarlane is considered a comic genius by his loyal fan base who think a complete animated remake of a Pepsi commercial from the mid-eighties is pure genius. It takes all kinds. Jim Belushi had a hit sitcom. So I’m not complaining that Mr. McFarlane is considered a comedy master by many easy to please fans of his. “Ted” is just a comedy soft ball for a man who pegs himself a comedy trailblazer for contemporary audiences. A talking foul mouthed Teddy Bear isn’t funny. It wasn’t funny when the WB tried it with Bobcat Goldthwait in “Unhappily Ever After.”

And “Ted” spends most of its time as a “Family Guy” live action film rather than trying to build new material for the “story.” McFarlane is relatively on auto drive for much of “Ted” relying on his loyal trusted base of nostalgia fanatics to build jokes around Flash Gordon, and Tiffany while never quite deciding if his film should be a touching ode to childhood or a twisted joke about a talking teddy bear he probably giggled over while petting his cat deviously. He also cribs the abusive child owner storyline from “American Dad” episode “A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial.” Lazy. “Ted” is a god awful movie that’s pretty much sold for audiences who are much too easily amused. McFarlane doesn’t challenge himself, nor does he challenge his audience. And for that he is granted success. Truly an indictment of mainstream audiences and their standards.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
Seth McFarlane mocking “Superman Returns.” What comic genius.

8. Resident Evil: Retribution
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
Screen Gems
Release Date: September 14th
Buy It Now!
I think deep down Paul WS Anderson actually considers himself something of a commercialized Tarantino. Since Quentin Tarantino is prone to taking elements from his favorite movies, TV shows, and music and combining them to create his own twisted stories, I bet Anderson likens himself to the director. But where Tarantino skirts plagiarism, he actually manages to tell an often wonderful, engrossing, and energetic story with characters we can care about. Anderson just seems to mimic anything and everything related to horror and fantasy and just hopes no one will notice.

That “innovative” opening that doubles as filler that plays Alice’s gun fight with Umbrella backwards and then goes forward to play out the events? Stolen from “Dead Island.” The opening where Alice’s house is raided by zombies? Stolen from the 2004 retread of “Dawn of the Dead.” And what’s worse is that the folks who enjoy these movies don’t mind, and really don’t care. To add insult to the spit in the face that is the film, the opening begins with Milla Jovovich’s Alice explaining the events of the first four movies. This isn’t David Lynch, we really don’t need a play by play of endless gun fights and nonsensical storytelling. I will never understand the appeal of these movies. It’s just flashing lights and explosions for ninety minutes. What is the lure, exactly? Why not just watch a strobing light for ninety minutes and save your brain cells? What draws people to these movies again and again?

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
I love the choreographed attack by the axe men. “You go thataway, I’ll go thisaway, we’ll enter on opposite ends, and attack in unison! Ready? Break!”

7. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Directed by Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Columbia Pictures
Release Date: February 17th
Buy It Now!
The mantra for “Spirit of Vengeance” seems to be: If they don’t take the Ghost Rider character seriously, why should we? How else can we understand why the once mystifying and threatening Ghost Rider is turned in to a Looney Toons character for most of the film? A flaming skull riding a motorcycle with a leather jacket is something 80’s clichés are made of, but Ghost Rider still had room to become a very creepy action horror film. That is until it was handed over to a studio that never quite knew how to stick to the spirit of the comics while marketing it to teens and tween boys alike.

You’d think the wonky energy Neveldine and Taylor bring to their “Crank” movies would translate in to something unique, but in the end it’s just uniquely awful, with both directors completely on auto drive for most of the film. Nic Cage is clearly just going through the motions, delivering a god awful performance in a series of god awful performances he’s delivered in the last five years, and as Johnny Blaze he fails to evolve at all. There’s still no real specifics to the Ghost Rider’s powers, and there’s no real clue as to why character Idris Elba matters so much, but you get the sense someone should have just handed the character over to Idris Elba. How did Johnny become African American? Who cares? It’s better than Nic Cage growling and howling “Knocking at your back door!” The reasoning for Ghost Rider’s entrance is ridiculously derivative, with yet another wide eyed child holding the fate of the world in their bland hands, and it’s all just one big regurgitation of Cage’s role in “Drive Angry.” It’s nonsense. Pure utter nonsense/

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
Ghost Rider claims he even hunts illegal downloaders in the prologue. Look out, Pirate Bay! The Ghost Rider is coming for you!

6. Underworld: Awakening
Directed by Måns Mårlind, Björn Stein
Screen Gems
Release Date: January 20th
Buy It Now!
We’ve been very kind to the “Underworld” movie series since 2003. Though they’ve been immensely forgettable and mediocre movies, they’re harmless, teen fantasies with super model vampires, fighting super model werewolves. But “Awakening” seems to have crossed that very thin line the series has always straddled from mediocre, to downright abysmal. This is action movie slop, an incoherent hodgepodge of random action scenes and reckless violence that never actually forms a cohesive or remotely entertaining movie. I despise Hollywood nepotism, and “Awakening” feels like Len Wiseman’s service to his wife Kate Beckinsale to get her back in to the “Underworld” series and in to the minds of fan boys all across America, once again.

After what’s become a middling career, Kate Beckinsale returns to a movie that has no plot, no character base, and no real purpose for existing other than to market on the momentum of the Twilight series. The writers approach this movie without any sense of logic or common sense and from minute one it’s clear this is a movie intent on grabbing fans’ money. How else to explain heroine Selene powering through a slew of helpless guards murdering them mercilessly for twenty minutes? Are we still supposed to root for Selene after she’s murdered a bunch of innocent people? And if Lycans and Vampires are explained as being villains for most of the series, why should we empathize when humanity begins purging society of their existence? And how hackey is it that writers continue to name firsts of species either Adam or Eve? Give me a break on the biblical allusions! It’s also very pathetic that key character Michael only appears for one dialogue free minute that’s based around CGI, archive footage, and a bad stand in. If this is where the series is headed, you can definitely count us out on sitting through future installments.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
Over a decade later and the scientists still have Selene’s black leather scuba suit? Why?

5. Smiley
Directed by Michael J. Gallagher
AMC Theaters
Release Date: October 12th
This movie blowz. This movie blowz. This movie blowz. Has “Smiley” been erased from existence yet? No? This movie blowz. This movie blowz. This movie blowz. This movie Blowz. I was told if I wrote “This movie blowz” three times, “Smiley” would cease to exist. “Smiley” had so much damn potential to be a new take on “Candyman” by way of the internet. The computer is our mirror in to the world, and it could have been an incredible idea to base a slasher around a killer that only pops by when you type “I did it for the Lulz” three times on a chat window. But “Smiley” completely pisses it away by not only creating a horribly boring and terrible story, but thumbing its nose down at audiences everywhere.

For folks who think “Smiley” would be a tech savvy horror film, writers Gallagher and Glasgow Phillips actually use the finale to look down at the audience of internet fans. Boo, internet. Boo you, audience. You did this! Boo internet as a whole! For a finale that will surely piss off anyone and everyone associated with online group Anonymous, “Smiley” doesn’t take any opportunity to create a coherent and entertaining slasher thriller based around the web, but instead focuses on the damages of the internet, and a heroine who is so utterly grating you want to see her die. Her inability to understand even the most basic internet lingo is pathetic, and a mere excuse to exhude a sense of innocence. Instead she comes off like a moron. “Lulz?” she scoffs, “What are Lulz?” Not to mention she uses a laptop at all hours of the day and night and has no idea what a firewall is. From terrible writing, vain attempts to delve in to the psyche of the heroine, and sub-plots that go absolutely nowhere, “Smiley” is an embarrassment and wastes time on a premise that could be utilized much better by creative writers who can have fun with the idea, instead of using it to look down on hackers, and internet surfers. Damn, internet! Damn you to hades!

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
Keith David’s character actually asks main character Ashley if she is being “punk’d.” Who in this reality still uses that stupid term?

4. The Paperboy
Directed by Lee Daniels
Columbia Pictures
Release Date: October 5th
Buy It Now!
Do we have to have cliché art house crapola every single year that makes the whole genre look awful? Do we have to have pretentious, ridiculous, nonsense like “The Paperboy” every year? Who thought this would be a compelling drama at all? “The Paperboy” spends an awful lot of time focusing on the crotch region of Zac Efron, who plays the buff teen Jack, who spends his days lying in his underwear, bonding with his African American maid, and wiling the days away masturbating. When his brother comes in to town to investigate a mysterious murder, Jack begins to come of age when he meets slutty townie Charlotte, a boozing trailer park deviant who helps Jack’s Brother find the facts for the murder, while bonding with Jack who is oddly infatuated with her.

There’s a disgusting scene where Kidman’s character Charlotte and John Cusack’s character have sex without touching, there’s a horrific scene involving Matthew McConaughey’s character Ward’s involvement with violent bondage and African American men, and Charlotte shows a group of girls how much she loves Jack when she pisses on him on the beach after being stung by jellyfish! Oh, what raw art house drama! Meanwhile, the crux of the film is sadly dependent on Macey Gray’s abysmal performance as the trusty maid of Jack’s house, who keeps him centered, tries to push him on the right path, and tells the entire story through her raspy grating voice and inability to emote at any given time.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
Is there any other filter on the camera but piss yellow? We get it, it’s arty.

3. The Devil Inside
Directed by William Brent Bell
Insurge Pictures
Release Date: January 6th
Buy It Now!
It was a hit! That’s all that matters to studios! It was a hit at the box-office! Why? Who the hell knows, but it was a hit, and we’ll be getting more of these garbage found footage possession films as fast as they can churn them out. “The Devil Inside” is ninety minutes of absolute pseudo-supernatural nonsense (with the director making good use of a contortionist he hired!) that amounts to two really dull possession scenes, and a climax that ends abruptly leading you in to a website to continue the story. Who in their right mind thought this was a good idea, is beyond me, but allegedly the ending was so infuriating and such a cop out, audiences booed and threw things at the screen. Many even demanded their money back.

Granted, Fernanda Andrade makes for solid eye candy for this time wasting piece of junk, but she looks too polished to be believed as someone that has ever suffered an obstacle beyond losing her Iphone on a bus. The performances range from stale to abysmal, with most of the tension kept to a minimum in favor of preserving the budget until the final scenes of the film. Meanwhile character Isabella is given little to no focus with writers Bell and Matthew Peterman never quite sure of Isabella just has a mental illness or is going to be violated by bland demonic spawns who love to take over the bodies of mediocre actresses. Things pretty much take a turn for the worse by the final twenty minutes, and anyone with half a brain can see where the movie eventually spins out of control. It’s a shame a nugget of a clever premise is transformed in to a pathetic cash grab. And there’s a sequel on way. Goody.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
To view “Why We’ll Never See This Again,” visit us at

2. Hold Your Breath
Directed by Jared Cohn
The Asylum
Release Date: October 5th
Buy It Now!
Death by hand blender! Eegah! Seriously? Someone at The Asylum picked a script from their piles of rip-offs, and thought “Hold Your Breath” would be a wonderful theatrical premiere? I refuse to add the hash tag in the title as it means nothing to the overall premise of the movie. It’s been a pretty rough year for the gorgeous Katrina Bowden. First she stars in the wretched “Piranha 3DD,” and then she reduces herself to a laughable performance as one of many obnoxious characters who become victim to the body shifting ghost of a serial killer who found residence in the group’s taut bodies and remains incognito by smiling devilishly and speaking in baritones’ whenever possessing someone.

Apparently, there’s an urban legend that you’re supposed to hold your breath whenever you drive past a cemetery or else the stray ghost of someone may possess you. I’ve never heard such a ridiculous urban legend before, but apparently the folks in the movie buy in to it. How can they not when Bowden’s character urges them to, and once they begin driving through a cemetery she frantically screams for them to hold their breaths or else. I’ve never seen anyone so passionate about an urban legend before. What would have happened if the cemetery was five miles long? Would they have suffocated? In either case, someone fumbles and exhales allowing the spirit of Evil Mc Serial Killer to possess them. As the group stops by an abandoned prison to explore it (you know, like everyone does when they’re travelling), the killer begins randomly killing everyone in the group. Director Jared Cohn squeezes in a gratuitous sex scene (not from Bowden, sadly), a lot of ridiculous deaths, and performances so painful, it’s shocking this made it in to theaters, even in a limited release. I imagine this was allowed in theaters based on the merits of Bowden starring. I hope whomever she did this favor for repays her kindly.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
Who the hell has sex in an abandoned morgue?

1. Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
Directed by: Tim and Eric
Written by: Tim and Eric
Starring: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Two guys who should be riding the short bus
Magnet Releasing
Release Date: March 2nd
Buy It Now!

“Felix, you just don’t like Tim and Eric because you just don’t get them. Their comedy is avant-garde performance art. They’re not trying to be funny, you pretentious ass. Gawd, get over yourself!”

Please. Please, just shut the fuck up. Take your “Portlandia” watching, Five Hour Energy drinking, hipster doofus ass, and take a nose dive in to some steep stairs, and remember to hit every step on the way down with your head. You’d be doing me a favor. Having friends in the business does not equate to success. And casting celebrities like Jeff Goldbum, and John C. Reilly to perform “jokes” on your movie does not mean they love your comedy, it just means they’ll do just about anything to remain relevant. And flashing Zach Galifianakis’ dumb ass mug at every conceivable opportunity does not make them funny, either.

Just like flashing pictures of Brad Pitt doesn’t make Sloth from “The Goonies” suddenly sexy. Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim aren’t subversive, or irreverent, or groundbreaking. They’re not thinking outside the box. They’re not changing the face of comedy.

They’re not re-defining anything concerning contemporary comedy. If I want to see two men acting on changing the art form, I’ll watch Trey Parker and Matt Stone work their magic. At least when they fail, you can sense there’s some semblance of originality and boldness to it. I don’t need to see two talentless douche bags with great connections piss on my head for ninety minutes delivering “humor” that is just void of any kind of method or skill.

“Felix, your problem is you’ve never seen their shows. You’re not familiar with their work. Haters gonna hate.”

I’ve seen episodes of their show that clock in at fifteen minutes in the US, and it’s like being mentally raped over and over again. What is the appeal? And why do these two need a movie to stretch their already grating shtick on us further? Hollywood is filled with crusty old evil men who want to stifle artistic expression. Thanks for the newscast, guys! John C. Reilly’s big shtick is that he wears clothes much too small for his body; even his shirt exposes his big belly. Whoa, Tim and Eric are working on levels I couldn’t possibly understand.

“You’re not the target audience for this movie.”

If I’m not the target audience for this movie, then who or what is? Who could possibly enjoy this movie? This monstrosity? This chasm of nonsense and anti-entertainment? The big joke, the big laugh riot about Tim and Eric is that they’ve successfully managed to convince many people that they’re funny. Thankfully, it’s that base of people I wish to never associate myself with, so let them collect their checks while feeding them “comedy” involving fake movie theater ads, and bad spray tans. John C. Reilly is too good for this slop. Ray Wise is too good for this slop. I’m too good for this slop. You’re too good for this slop.

Why We’ll Never See This Again:
“Look at us! We’re running side by side, but we’re not running normally! Aren’t we whimsical geniuses?!” I’m not even going to bother writing a review for it. I’ve devoted enough time to these two mental defects.

Piranha 3DD, The Babymakers, The Divide, The Man with the Iron Fists, LOL (2012)


Directed by: Ridley Scott
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
Buy It Now!
The only thing “Prometheus” really has going for it that will keep it in the minds of movie goers is that one of the characters has an impromptu C section to remove a potentially deadly life form from her body, spawning the ire of many a pro-lifers who insist she’s engaging in an abortion. One incident in 2012 involved a ticket taker at a theater warning movie goers about an abortion before going in to the movie. “Prometheus” was pretty much the film we expected to be a pure masterpiece with rich storytelling from Ridley Scott who has pretty much been winging it for years on ho hum films. Instead we got a simple story with trite themes about creation told in about as abstract and complicated a way as possible, unlikable characters, characters making baffling decisions that teetered from stupid to just plain inexplicable.

All the while some of the characters made decisions that just made absolutely no sense and presented no rhyme or reason. Most of the plot was idiotic, a lot of the logic was poorly conceived, and the performances as a whole from a talented array of actors are forgettable and one dimensional. There isn’t a single stand out character in the bunch, and though Michael Fassbender tries his damndest to be considered for a potential Oscar nomination, his character David is so poorly written there’s never an indication if he’s a protagonist or an antagonist. Writer Lindeloff probably thought it’d be a nice spice of mystery, but it comes off as lazy and confused characterization. Most movie critics and websites across the web have spent months trying to explain away the vast gaping plot holes and lapses in logic, and it’s pathetic. When movie lovers have to do the work for the director and screenwriter, it’s a sign that the movie just isn’t worth your time to begin with. We’re ready for the sequel. We’re sure it will be comprised of more annoying teases its writers will be convinced are pure cinematic genius.