Detective Dale Andriotti: Maybe when this is over, we can go out for dinner.
Dr. Gamble Pace: Okay, but I warn you right now… I have a tortured history with men.
Six minutes in, Dr. Gamble Pace as played by Teresa Farley escorts a police officer in to a young victim’s room in a hospital. The hospital room has only one small IV, no medical equipment, and the IV doesn’t seem to be hooked in to anything in particular. Obviously not holding to the discretion rules, Dr. Pace, dressed in average clothing and an awkward medical robe explains in a stilted and painfully performed monologue what the young girl experienced when attacked by a mysterious monster. While the girl is half awake an inch away. That’s about the time I thought: “Oh crap, this is going to be painful.”
The performers in “Breeders” either over act or under act, and the doctor is a wonderful example of terrible under acting. She seems so intent on remembering her lines, she barely moves her head when explaining her patient’s medical condition. In spite of the fact that the rapes seem to be happening all over the city, there’s only one cop assigned to the case, Detective Dale Andriotti. And for some odd reason there’s only one hospital in New York City, as all the victims are being sent to one hospital in particular. What are the odds? The interplay between Dr. Pace and Detective Andriotti is also one of the record books as after meeting with the poor rape victim, Andriotti ponders “Just one question: Are you mad at me?” Wow, such amazing interplay! Such seething tension between the pair of mismatched selfless heroes! Dr. Pace discovers that the alien monsters are ravaging and raping virgins, and they have the ability to camouflage as anyone they want.
Why the first victim’s attacker pretends to be an old German man is beyond me. How did the alien get the dog? And was the composer a Tangerine Dream fan or what? There’s no need for erotic music during a horror movie. The rest of the film is composed of many, many gratuitous scenes of women dropping trou and basking in nudity whenever possible, and eventually either being attacked or carried off by the alien rapists to their lairs. At one point a model is discovered naked by her potential alien attacker and scoffs “It’s okay, relax, it’s not like you were after my body.” What foreshadowing! What genius subtext! Then when he begins changing and screaming and spewing blood, she merely stands there in the nude screaming bloody murder instead, oh, running for her life.
So anyway, what with the nudity and filler, I learned a lot of new facts: Doctors and nurses will discuss medical cases at the tops of hospital roofs apparently, doctors frequently change hair styles between shifts, the alien rapists only rape hot young girls and befriend crusty old female hobos, if you live with your mother or are gay you’re automatically innocent of being a potential rapist, women often undress in their kitchen before taking a shower, nurses wear no undergarments when working, and naked patients can walk in and out of hospitals without being stopped by security, or staff. “Breeders” is an apparent low budget genre mess, there’s no doubting that. But I wonder. Why did the alien rapists take to New York for pure women? Why not transform in to a priest, and raid a convent in Italy? Have a ball for crying out loud. A shameless concoction of “CHUD” meets “Lifeforce,” Tim Kincaid’s “Breeders” is a rancid waste of time so laughably bad and tedious that you’ll find yourself even fast forwarding through the abundance of naked women.