Movie 43 (2013)

Maybe they were right after all. Maybe in order to be successful in Hollywood you have to sell your soul. Maybe the entire cast of “Movie 43” made a deal with Lucifer trading success for their souls. And then one day Lucifer had a great idea for a comedy movie. And then rather than doom every one of these stars to eternal damnation being raped and tortured by demons for all of time, he collected on their souls by making them star in his idea for his comedy movie entitled “Movie 43.” He sent them his script idea and they could really do nothing but agree to star in this movie collectively, rather than rebel against their dark lord and master that granted them the price of being household names. That has to be the explanation for “Movie 43.” Damn, that just has to be. The notion that the stars of “Movie 43” thought this could have been a good comedy at all is unfathomable and incredibly mind-blowing.

This is a movie so utterly incompetent that the UK version and the US versions aren’t even the exact film. Both films have different set ups, and neither of them are funny. Essentially we get the same load of really bad awful attempts at comedy that are absolutely disgusting, nauseating, misogynistic, racist, cruel, void of any common sense, and features a large cadre of actors who couldn’t deliver comedy if their lives depended on it. The premises for the shorts are so abundantly fucking moronic and unfunny they seem to have been spewed from the orifices of the most moronic preteen dolts the directors could hire. Each segment feels like throwaway comedy from hack online comedy websites that someone thought would make a good skit for a movie.

Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman play two people set up on a blind date, and though both seem like the perfect couple, there’s one problem. Jackman’s character has a set of testicles on his chin and no one notices. Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts play two parents insistent on home schooling their son. To ensure he doesn’t miss out they give him the high school experience which involves taunting, bullying, calling him homophobic words, and there’s even a scene where both parents attempt to hit on and sleep with their son to ensure he’s given the experience with a girl, and potentially with a man. Funny couple Chris Pratt and Anna Faris play an engaged pair one of whom wants to share the experience of scat during sex. Pratt obliges with absolutely disgusting results.

In a skit that feels as if it were created by a middle schooler, Will Ferrell and Justin Long play Batman and Robin taking part in a Gotham speed dating course, and the entire skit is filled with obvious comic book satire including a beefcake Superman, and homoerotic interplay between Batman and Robin. Genius. In the centerpiece of the film, a company tries to market the IBabe, an Itunes player shaped like a woman that guys unfortunately keep trying to screw. Chloe Moretz is a young girl on a date with her boyfriend who experiences her first period, to which her boyfriend and his brother overreact by running around screaming and looking for ways to plug her up (seriously), while Moretz merely stands around crying.

The segment itself fizzles out. What a bummer. This is just all uncomfortable, and so fucking unpleasant, I could barely sit through it all. I can’t believe anyone on this cast thought any of this was remotely worth starring in. I just can’t. It’s mind blowing how reprehensible and offensive to good taste (and hell, even bad taste) “Movie 43” is. Either the entire cast of this film owed someone a huge debt, or they’re all so vain they assumed this would be the comedy of the year. What a sham of a movie. Just an awful, awful, awful movie, and probably one of the worst films I’ve seen in the last ten years, “Movie 43” is an affront to the art of comedy reducing a slew of respectable and notable actors to complete and utter embarrassments. I hate this movie, and I hate everyone involved in this movie.