It’s hard to believe, but at one time someone thought turning models and porn stars in to action heroines was a good idea. Tracie Lords, Shannon Tweed, Pamela Anderson. All gorgeous women in their own B movie straight to video fare that never panned out beyond B movie straight to video fare. The worst of all has to be someone’s shocking brainstorm that perhaps the plus size dumb as a post model Anna Nicole Smith could somehow become something of a cult action movie star. It’s bad enough Smith could barely pose for a photo shoot without looking forced, but making her act? Could she even walk and talk at the same time?
Director Raymond Martino makes the wise choice of preventing Nicole Smith from speaking throughout the greater portion of “Skyscraper,” leaving her to do nothing but run around in skimpy clothing and posing with her gun in both hands. When Martino does actually decide to give Nicole Smith has moments of dramatic acting, she’s excruciating to watch. Her delivery of her small portions of dialogue is god awful, and Martino apparently has to offer some exposition since Nicole Smith plays the heroine Carrie Wisk for the most part. After the gratuitous shot of Smith naked in the shower, followed by a badly performed sex scene with her husband, character Wisk argues with her husband about having a child after he has to leave in the middle of the day to attend to affairs at the police station he works in.
Watching Smith act is painful, laugh out loud ridiculous, and mind-blowing. You also can’t help but notice that Smith is at least twenty pounds lighter in these scenes, as opposed to when she steps out with her bra and panties and is much heavier in the body. That said, I can’t imagine anyone thought she could act even remotely well, and I picture director Martino trying to figure out ways to prevent Smith from delivering any more than two lines at a time. Smith can’t help but sound like a mentally disabled woman for most of the film, as the writers give her the simplest dialogue which she can’t land to save her life. When her husband runs off she whines “I want a baby!” After a few minutes of horrible exposition she declares in a very stilted and comedic whine: “Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and little babies!” Of course, Carrie, the valiant helicopter pilot who can quote Shakespeare, is tasked with fighting terrorists in a skyscraper, taking on the role of Bruce Willis. Rather than a workaday cop who is in over his head, we’re instead given a plus size playboy model who looks perplexed even when she’s walking in a straight line.
I can imagine there were many moments like this on set:
Anna Nicole Smith: But-I-want-a-baby!
Producer whispering to director: Dear god she’s fucking awful.
Anna Nicole Smith: How was that?
Producer: Great job! You’re an amazing actress!
I never understood why character Carrie ran an escort service by helicopter called Heliscort. I never understood why she just accompanied random clients around the city without clearance or permits or security verification. I never understood why the bad guys would choose a random helicopter to deliver them to their missions instead of a private helicopter. Of course, Carrie is too dumb to realize these men she’s flying around are murderous criminals assembling pieces of a brief case for some unknown reason, so when she finally wakes up, it’s hilarity at its finest. Smith, in her overweight glory, is constantly confused even when standing silently on camera.
You have to appreciate the director trying to keep viewers watching this tepid piece of junk by including a convenient flashback scene mid-way from Carrie’s past where she remembers herself having sex with an old accomplice. “Skyscraper” is a very humorless “Die Hard” rip off and one that is barely good for comedic merits. Unless you’re interested in seeing Anna Nicole Smith fail spectacularly at building a second career in film with one of the worst performances in the history of cinema, “Skyscraper” is a very lame and tedious “Die Hard” wannabe with yet another failed attempt to turn a has been model in to a bonafide movie star.