The Bye Bye Man (2017)

It’s “The Bye Bye Man,” or as I call it “Honey, We Ripped Off Slenderman.” In all honesty, “The Bye Bye Man” actually looks like a weak Senator Palpatine cosplayer who died from toxic poisoning from his face make up and became a demon who likes to rip off his shtick from The Babadook, Freddy Krueger, and your every day mime. I’ve experienced scarier stories in young adult sections at public libraries, and could come up with a monster ten times more imposing, and with a name that doesn’t automatically inspire me to chortle under my breath. A movie this bad could only inspire me to gather my thoughts of bewilderment in an itemized list.

  1. 1969. We said Bye Bye to innocence, free love, the sixties, and The Man known as “Bye Bye” was introduced. And now you know the rest of the story.
  2. No matter what the black and white instructional videos say, it’s never a good idea to stand behind a door when someone is about to fire a shot gun at it. It’s not good strategy.
  3. Rick told Giselle, Giselle told Patty, Patty mentioned it to the newspaper man, he told his family during the big reunion at the Waldorf. It’s like verbal herpes! Larry is gonna need a lot more shells.
  4. “Don’t think it, don’t say it” is a rule that kind of contradicts itself. Like, if you tell someone not to think or say it, they’re going to ask “Don’t think or say what?” Then you have to explain. That’s like expecting new recruits for fight club when rule one is not to talk about fight club.
  5. I think in the first draft of the script the train in the opening credits and during the movie had a much bigger significance to the Bye Bye Man’s origin instead of, you know, second hand antique furniture. Despite seeing trains, it never actually means anything to the movie.
  6. Side note: Doug Jones plays the Bye Bye Man. You may know him from “Hellboy” and “Pan’s Labyrinth.” Watch those movies instead.
  7. Two modern college students rented a two story house with multiple bedrooms. In a movie about an undead dog owner, that is the most far fetched detail of the film.
  8. Douglas Smith looks like he only got the role because Dane Dehaan, Zac Efron, the Ashmore brothers, the London Brothers, and Rob Schneider turned it down.
  9. I think in the first draft of the script the coins falling every which way had a key significance to the Bye Bye Man’s origin instead of, you know, second hand antique furniture. Despite seeing a lot of coins, they never actually mean anything to the movie.
  10. Beaded curtains: Creating soundproof barriers since 1970.
  11. “We had a rager last night at my new house on the campus. I invited my six year old niece, no one got laid, barely anyone drank, we played midnight baseball, and we had a séance afterward. We almost played Charades, but things got too rowdy.”
  12. So was the house haunted before or after Bye Bye Man was read on the night stand drawer? And are they helping to invoke him, or are they trying to protect these characters? And if they have powers that can possess people to warn potential victims, why haven’t they warned others?
  13. Young Bye Bye man was angry as a child when he learned the powers he inherited from his dad only involved giving people hacking coughs, turning them in to assholes, and possessing random articles of clothing haphazardly hanging from hooks.
  14. In this universe there is a search engine named “Search.” That’s like an ISP named “The Internet.” Also the owner of the local flower shop is named “Mr. Daisy.”
  15. “You have a weird house, Mr. Daisy. It’s awful.”
    “Yeah, well you’re a terrible actress. So there.”
  16. Yes, don’t destroy the night stand. Just throw it in the woods. I curse you to an eternity of appearances on lame refurbishing shows on basic cable networks!
  17. Elliot’s listening to “Bye Bye Love” while rushing to stop Bye Bye Man. I’m going to get over my PTSD about being attacked by a maniacal undead clown by listening to “Send In the Clowns.” That’s normal.
  18. Don’t Think it, Don’t Say It. And don’t ask me about it, as I write it in big white letters all over the walls and on various rooms. Got it?
  19. So the Bye Bye man can cause people to hallucinate by making them kill one another and invoking inner negative feelings, as well as stage full scenes of carnage, all for the sake of his skinless dog that eats eyes and tongues? And to what end? Something tells me this idea wasn’t fully developed.
  20. “Daddy, you know I can’t read in the dark. What do you think I am? A flashlight?” Man, young Alice got over losing her favorite uncle to a mysterious horrific suicide/homicide and house fire almost immediately. I think she’s a sociopath.