I saw a ton of movies in 2018, and thankfully I didn’t see too many awful films in the theaters. 2018 was a pretty great year for film, and while I didn’t have enough time to see everything, the share of films I checked out were mostly passable. Even the really alleged awful films people complained about were just disposable junk, and not worth complaining about, or even reviewing. That said I did find ten particularly bad films in 2018, and these had the dishonor of making the list.
10. Bohemian Rhapsody
Original Review | Buy It Here
Bryan Singer’s authorized biography of Freddie Mercury’s rise to music fame is the McDonald’s version of his life. It’s safe, it’s family friendly, it’s broad, it’s inoffensive, easily digestible, it’s focus group tested with an aim toward merchandise and branding. It’s also pretty damn stupid, especially when you consider how subtly the film demonizes homosexuality. It’s the epitome of vanilla Oscar bait, and it’s sure to sweep the Oscars. At the very least, it threatens to grab a few of the big awards. A force of nature and such a revolutionary artist and LGBTQ icon like Freddie Mercury deserved so much better.
Say Something Nice: Rami Malek’s performance is superb.
Watch Instead: Queen: Days of Our Lives (2011)
9. Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare?
Original Review | Buy It Here
Lost in a haze of nonsense, there’s a good movie about guilt, owning up to past sins, and how cleansing the truth can be. Sadly, a lot of “Truth or Dare?” is silly, boring and filled with plot holes. I’d love to consider the monster in “Truth or Dare?” some kind of up and coming horror icon, but I just don’t see it happening. The acting is stale, the pacing is sluggish, and the movie lacks any kind of scares and or suspense. All in all it feels like a young adult novel brought to the big screen, but I wouldn’t recommend it to potential horror fans as a gateway film, at all. I can think of a million better films that represent the supernatural and morality tales ten times better than this junk.
Say Something Nice: Jason Blum’s speech at the Israeli Film Festival was courageous.
Watch Instead: Final Destination (2000)
8. Venom
Original Review | Buy It Here
Ruben Fleischer’s “Venom” feels so dated and sanitized, it’s almost like watching a middling superhero movie from 1993 that’s been cleaned up for network television. It’s almost like someone in the movie wanted to tell a violent story about a man possessed by an alien being, while others wanted a dark comedy about a growing anti-hero who finds some kind of purpose while also fighting off superior offspring. Tom Hardy portrays Eddie Brock as a meathead who is pulled back and forth in this extraordinary situation, and he’s barely ever interesting or engaging as a main character. I don’t know how they’re going to turn this version of Venom/Eddie Brock in to a vicious super villain. Frankly, I’m too busy dreading the impending sequels at the moment to care.
Say Something Nice: I like Tom Hardy much more than Topher Grace.
Watch Instead: Upgrade (2018)
7. Slender Man
Original Review | Buy It Here
Once upon a time Slender Man seemed like a great idea for a horror movie. The Creepypasta story still is pretty creepy when you dismiss all the other nonsense that’s come with it. Hopefully somewhere down the line Slender Man can be turned in to a great and scary movie. Hollywood is still ripping the character off, after all. This is not the movie that Slender Man should have been, but I sense once before it was cut to shreds, it was probably a strong horror film with some great tension and suspense. As it is, it’s a missed opportunity filled with plot holes, horrific writing, and a boogeyman who is almost irrelevant in his own tale.
Say Something Nice: I wouldn’t be opposed to watching an Unrated Director’s Cut, if they ever grant us one.
Watch Instead: Beware the Slender Man (2016)
6. Gotti
Original Review | Buy It Here
There’s nothing wrong with Oscar aspirations, I’m sure, but “Gotti” is just the wrong path for any of the cast here. Particularly John Travolta, who probably went in to this role thinking it would give him a golden statue, or at least rabid acclaim. Instead it’s a big belly flop of a performance that should be filed in the list of terrible Travolta vehicles, and bad bio-pics. Director Kevin Connolly loves “Goodfellas” and loves Gotti so much that he tries to simultaneously create his own version of the Scorsese film while painting Gotti as something of an anti-hero or crusader of his time. Despite Travolta’s best efforts, make up and all, “Gotti” is a mess, and an embarrassing one at that. The performances are awful (how do you get a bad performance out of Pruitt Taylor Vincent?), the direction stinks, and the movie’s message is muddled and often times borders on comical. It also doesn’t help that the film’s PR team did it no favors.
Say Something Nice: I assume at least ten years from now, “Gotti” will be appreciated as a camp classic.
Watch Instead: Goodfellas (1990)
5. Robin Hood
Original Review
Call it “Robin Hood Begins,” or “The Dark Hood,” or “The Dark Hood Returns,” or “Sherwood: A New Hope,” this derivative reworking of an already tired story, “Robin Hood” is another stab at the public domain archives that yet again fails to rejuvenate the story of the “prince of thieves.” Whether it’s the bows and arrows that shoot like rifles, a boring Maid Marian who looks like she stepped off the cat walk, a hilariously stupid book end of a climax that hints at a possible sequel/franchise, “Robin Hood” is a waste of time. On the bright side you can make a drinking game out of the many times it rips off “The Dark Knight” and Batman in general.
Say Something Nice: This would make an okay elseworlds tale for Batman
Watch Instead: Batman Begins (2005)
4. Death Wish
Original Review | Buy It Here
In a period where America is ravaged by mass shootings and gun murders, Eli Roth displays his pure idiocy by delivering a remake of a grief stricken middle aged man who finds new life in his pursuit to find and shoot lower class people, and brown people, sans guilt. Willis’ main character Paul Kersey literally finds a sense of rejuvenation, and perhaps sexual thrill, by holding, wielding, and using his gun to take down criminals. “Death Wish” watches like it was orchestrated by a sociopath, taking glee in promoting how easily life’s woes can be solved by pulling a trigger. Meanwhile Willis looks one second away from yawning, as always.
Say Something Nice: Charles Bronson is in no danger of being replaced.
Watch Instead: Death Sentence (2007)
3. The Happytime Murders
Original Review | Buy It Here
You won’t find anything in “The Happytime Murders” that hasn’t already been done before in better films like “Meet the Feebles,” or “Team America – World Police.” This blatant rip off of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” imagines a world where humans and puppets exist, but never quite imagines anything that’s remotely funny, entertaining, or vaguely interesting. The ill cast Melissa McCarthy does little to save this slide in to nonsense, with a boring and silly murder mystery topped by an almost endless array of goofy puppet puns, including an orgasm scene that goes on so long, that it’s painful.
Say Something Nice: Jim Henson is a childhood hero of mine.
Watch Instead: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
2. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Original Review | Buy It Here
It’s not something I appreciate when producers of a movie admit that they only made it to get to the next movie. And of course, “Fallen Kingdom” shows right down its core. It’s a horrendous sequel to an already abysmal reboot that basically rehashes so much of the previous movie, while also inexplicably destroying all of the foundations established in the first two films. Everything from creating another doctor who worked with Dr. Hammond, to staging much of the original film’s shots, it’s all so embarrassing and incredibly unpleasant. I can’t decide if it’s the dull new characters, the pointless return of the previous film’s characters, or the confusing inclusion of a human clone, but I hated “Fallen Kingdom.”
Say Something Nice: I would like a spin off or web series with new character Zia Rodriguez
Watch Instead: The Valley of Gwangi (1969)
1. The 15:17 to Paris
Original Review | Buy It Here
Clint Eastwood takes a wonderful story of heroism and bravery turns in to a jingoistic, schmaltzy, movie of the week bore that takes an event that would amount to a good hour long documentary, and stretches it in to a ninety minute slog. Eastwood does nothing but fill the time leading up to the event in the train cart, focusing on the back stories of our heroes, including some of the goofiest and silliest dialogue and character interactions ever filmed. Even worse, the film insists heavily on this idea that this entire event was fated and somehow in the stars, and that these men knew that their entire lives were leading up to this one moment when they would be called on to protect people in a crucial moment. It wasn’t just a luck of the draw, or a quick act of bravery that saved people, but something that was in the stars. To top it all off, Eastwood casts the real men that were drawn in to this act, placing them in to the unfortunate position where their lack of acting ability distracts from the overall theme of the movie. It’s not often I used the word crapola very often, but Clint Eastwood’s treatment of the story of the 15:17 to Paris is crapola.
Say Something Nice: The event that unfolded on the train is still incredibly admirable and amazing; it deserves to be admired.
Watch Instead: United 93 (2006)