“Teen Witch” came in to existence from a studio’s desires to create a “Teen” monster franchise. “Teen Wolf” would give way to “Teen Witch,” and there was supposed to be “Teen Vampire.” Director Samuel Bradford’s super low budget “Teen Vamp” seems to aim to unofficially complete the trinity amounting to a bizarre eighties teen horror series. Although, you could ague “Love at First Bite,” “The Vampire’s Kiss,” and or “Vamp” completed the trilogy; I’d be more hard pressed to argue that “My Best Friend is a Vampire” feels so much more like a natural end to the desired gimmick. “Teen Vamp” is best left in the heap of obscure eighties video store shelf warmers.
Murphy is a horny high-school boy who has a crush on the cute blonde Conny Sutton, but she just laughs into his face. So he decides to call on the services of a prostitute for some comfort. Unfortunately he happens upon a vampire and gets bitten, what makes him a vampire too. But actually that isn’t so bad, since now he’s not only cool enough to impress the chicks, he’s also strong and can push around bully Bucky and pay him back. Only his mother isn’t happy with his new self and asks a reverend to exorcize him.
“Teen Vamp” is a cheapie movie rental on every single level. The acting is stiff, the pacing stinks, the editing is awful, and even worse is the sound. It’s obvious a lot of the ADR was done in post, as so much of the sound seems added in post. Plus the editing is so piss poor that when characters talk, there are long stretches of silence, making it impossible to get lost in the movie. “Teen Vamp” is supposed to be a horror comedy, but it’s so grating, and often never funny. Shocking enough, Beau Bishop (playing a high schooler who looks at least in his early thirties) is the film’s protagonist playing Murphy, the lovelorn teen turned vampire.
But he’s so absolutely obnoxious and shrill you almost root for one ray of daylight to strike him and obliterate him in to ash. The vampirism is, like the aforementioned “Teen” horror movies, just a clumsy allegory for puberty, or growing up. Murphy is self conscious and doubts himself, but the vampirism instills in him courage to go for what he wants. And there’s also the craving for human blood, which makes the movie’s overall tone feel uneven. Is the movie a comedy with horror overtones, or a horror movie with a comic bent? For what it’s worth, Clu Gulager does his best to derive some laughs with his priest character who is convinced Murphy needs an exorcism. That said, “Teen Vamp” is a horror cheapie that’s generally obscure for a good reason. It’s so much more baffling than it is scary or funny. It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s really bad.