I’ve seen “Home Alone” and “Home Alone 2” at least two hundred times since 1990, and every single time I’ve seen it I’ve always wondered how anyone ever lived with the McCallisters. Yes, Kevin had his flaws, but if you take a step back you can’t really blame him for being kind of petulant, and devious, and selfish when he lives with such a huge clan of careless yuppies prone to losing their children.
After thirty years I thought I should list five reasons why the McCallisters are the Worst Family in Movie History, and why it wouldn’t surprise me if Kevin abandoned them after high school and went on to live his own life leaving them all to fester trapped in suburban hell. That’s my head canon, anyway.
Happy Holidays!
5. Kevin is a Sociopath
When Kevin gets wind of Marv and Harry going to break in to his house, Kevin could have easily gone to the police, or called 911, or gone to the neighbor’s house, or hidden in his tree house. Instead he builds elaborate, painful traps transforming his house in to a labyrinth of death and insists on torturing and maiming two petty thieves. To make matters worse when he is in New York, he flees to his uncle’s conveniently under renovation building and uses every resource to hurt Marv and Harry again. Except this time he has power tools, and bricks, and deadly industrial equipment. Kevin is a terrifying individual.
4. Kevin is Terribly Mistreated
Kevin’s tendency for violence can only come from being horribly mistreated by his family. Along with a mother who snipes at him and a father who pretty much ignores him, he also has a bed wetting cousin that he’s forced in to interact with, two middle siblings that abuse him, and an over indulged older brother who delights in making him miserable at every turn while never being reprimanded. Even worse he’s mocked and derided in public, in the opening of the sequel, making Kevin even more of a mistreated pariah. No one is ever on his side, and no one ever argues for him.
3. Uncle Frank is a Bastard
In the history of movie uncles, Uncle Frank is the worst. He’s even worse than Skar. And Skar murdered his brother, and framed his nephew! Frank is a consistently rude, obnoxious, and loud mouthed nuisance who verbally abuses Kevin whenever he gets the chance. When Kevin’s mom and dad are struggling to get a hold of him from France, Frank is doing nothing but serving everyone shrimp cocktail without a care in the world. In the sequel when Buzz is mocking Kevin from behind during their school performance, Frank does nothing but laugh with everyone else in the audience. It’s a wonder if Kevin ever set off a few traps for him down the road just to get a message across.
2. The Family Lose Their Child. Twice.
Blame the power outage or not, but the whole idea of planning their France trip made no real sense. They then leave behind their youngest in their home on a neighborhood where no one is around for two weeks, with what is quite possibly the most negligent police force in movie history. They don’t apologize, they don’t ask about his well being, they just greet him indifferently. Even worse they lose him in the middle of an airport where he manages to fly off to New York City, and don’t have the plane re-routed or anyone to catch him at the airport to help him immediately board another plane. When re-united they, once again, greet him with sheer indifference.
1. They Chastise Kevin After Losing Him. Twice.
So if you leave a child in the middle of a big city or at home alone, he’s bound to spend money because he—you know—has to survive. On his own. He needs food, and water and shelter. Even then when Kevin is home alone his spending is pretty conservative. Once he gets to New York, he racks up a pretty hefty bill, because who can blame him when he’s treated so horribly? I’d have been spoiling myself just to spite my awful family. Nevertheless, this does prompt them to screech in horror when they get the bill in the end of the movie. It’s the utter gall for me, as they have the sheer audacity to abandon him two times in a row, and then demonize him for having to survive in what is, for New York circa 1992, a harsh city environment. It’s probably best to shut your trap and be glad child protective services aren’t banging down your door.